Commish Notes Week 7 and 8
Lots to cover this week after the hiatus. I’m going to try tackling both week 7 and week 8. These notes will feature separate weekly awards sections, one for each week, followed by an updated Inter-Division War segment and of course, updated Power Rankings.
About half of MLOM spent week 7 in Las Vegas, watching football at the Lagasse’s Stadium sportsbook in the Palazzo casino. The bets were flying fast and furious as were the fantasy rooting interests. The highlight of the day came from the rise of the Mile High Messiah Tim Tebow of course, (before his fall from grace in week 8), whose fourth quarter heroics against Miami led to dramatic and unified chants of “TE-BOW! TE-BOW!” throughout the sportsbook. Also, my money-line bet on the Chiefs was sweet.
Can't really throw that well, but prays with the best of 'em
Weekly Awards – Week 7
Game of the Week
Mormon Defenders 103.95 over Crazy Canucks 94.21
Having just beaten Mitchell’s Marauders the week prior, the Defenders made another strong statement here beating not only one top team one week, but the top TWO teams in successive weeks. The Canucks were straddled with multiple byes, and decided to play it coy and not even field a full team (going empty in one WR slot rather than picking up a one week fill-in). They paid for their arrogance losing by 9 points. The biggest surprise was that Roethlisberger matched Rodgers nearly point for point, and Mason Crosby’s 18 point day was certainly huge. Commish is also happy to report the rebirth of longtime favorite “Yo this Marques Baby” Colston, who impressed with a 22 point outing in the match, his first big day since returning from injury. Congrats to the Defenders on their big win.
Players of the Week
Drew Brees, Crackheeds – 50.01 points, 31 of 35 for 325 yards, 5 TD
On the heels of his phenomenal performance Sunday night against the lowly Colts, Drew Brees became the second member of the 50-point club this season. Did he look as good as Tim Tebow out there? No, he did not. But any time you have more TD passes than incompletions, that tends to go down as a pretty good day. He made us all feel really dumb that we didn’t bet the Saints that Sunday night in Vegas. At least we didn’t bet the Colts, either.
Arian Foster, Los Pescaderos – 44.02 points, 115 rush yards, 2 TD, 5 receptions for 119 yards, 1 rec TD
The Samurai Poet
Arian “The Atheist’s Nightmare” Foster has all kinds of secondary nicknames these days. Apparently “Foster the People” is making the rounds now, in honor of that band (of the same name) with that song ‘Pumped Up Kicks’ that is currently dominating airwaves. And Gabe, fancying himself quite clever, has posted trash talk which refers to his two star players, Megatron (“outrun my gun”) and Arian Foster (…the People). It might be a fairly complex way to get there, but I’ll give Gabe some props for going multi-layered (like the movie Unforgiven!) on his trash talk. Speaking of Nightmares, this week’s performance by Arian Foster – a NIGHTMARE for any defense – brings us to this week’s version of…
Costacos Brothers Poster of the Week!
Wow there was some serious cosplay going on in this porn shoot before The Nightmare himself – Christian Okoye – showed up. The Seahawk and what I assume to be the Raider (keeping with the old AFC West Division theme) were getting busy on the left side of the bed, and things were really saucy on the right side with that Charger and Bronco going full sixty-nine. You think it would be hard to perform good oral with a helmet on, but who doesn’t like a challenge? I like how everyone neatly took off their cleats before getting into bed. Maybe this is a giant homophobic scare tactic ad, with Christian Okoye warning you not to hook up with other dudes lest he come in to your room and cut you – and some footballs in the process. I also like how the bedposts look like pylons, which makes me wonder why I don’t have actual pylons at each corner on my bed. How hard would it be to resist diving into bed (“He’s going for the endzone!!”) every time if that were the case? I say it would be impossible. Oh who am I kidding? I do that now anyway. And what about Okoye? A Nigerian soccer-came-first football player in the Adam Spragg body mold, he led the NFL in rushing in 1989, in a time when shoulder pad and neck guard size mattered almost as much as talent, and possibly more. If you’d like to learn more, check out this neat video, complete with some tone-setting African tribal music to back up the highlights!
And if you’d like to see Okoye get blown up by Steve Atwater in one of the epic hits of the 1980s instead, just click here.
Greg Jennings, The GBP – 22.30 points, 7 catches for 147 yards, 1 TD
Jennings, even after the bye week, is quietly the fifth best WR in fantasy football right now.
Jimmy Graham, Rat Pack – 18.60 points, 6 receptions for 54 yards, 2 TD
Unable to stop the touchdown, the Colt's DB prepares to punch some ass!
Oh Graham won again? How odd. He’s become the new Saints unfair TE, a la Marques Colston all those years ago. Next year Yahoo should make him a WR, unless he’s on the Crackheeds.
Team of the Week
Buoyed by the match-up against the GBP (where everyone gets a free 50 points added to their score) and the fact that GM Gabe was in Vegas, the Pescaderos came out hot, finally getting a half-decent, convincing win (OK, week 5 wasn’t terrible either), which also happened to be their fifth straight. With Arian Foster finally healthy and starting to look like last year’s terror (or nightmare: see above), and Megatron continuing to be Mega-Awesome, Gabe ‘s Pescaderos are starting to look like certain playoff contenders.
Coach of the Week
I thought about going with Norm again given his second straight victory against a top team, but I opted with Papa Roston who despite having Brady, McCoy, Nicks, Green-Ellis, and Vernon Davis on bye, still managed to pick up a win against the full-strength Birdmen. Furthermore, PPR had the foresight to pick up and play Demarco Murray prior to the time when anyone knew who the hell he was, and who –in payment – managed to rush for the seventh most yards in a single NFL game all time.
Goat of the Week
DeAngelo Williams – 2.92 points
Williams went for $18 on draft day, got played once, and promptly put up 2.92 points the one time the Canucks needed him to fill in. He was promptly dropped the next week. DeAngelo, come get your horns…
Weekly Awards – Week 8
Game of the Week
The Brown Trout 134.37 over Los Pescaderos 121.12
Matthew Stafford, Rat Pack – 31.69 points, 21 of 30, 267 yards, 3 TD, 21 rush yards
It took until week 8, but finally someone not named Brady, Brees, or Rodgers won this award. Stafford has been having an excellent season, and goes into his bye week in 5th place for QB scoring (along with the other three mentioned as well as Cam Newton just ahead in 4th). And also, for his performance this week, he wins the…
Costacos Brothers Poster of the Week
I don’t know why, but this “Lion Heart” poster about Joey Harrington (another Detroit QB) just cracks me up for some reason. I’m not even sure if it’s Costacos Brothers to be honest, but damn it’s funny. Also it reminds of that horrible scene in that horrible Jean Claude Van Damme movie (aptly named) Lionheart where his ex-con trainer screams out that name. Maybe whenever Matthew Stafford scores from now on, I too will scream that out.
(OMG this scene is awesome. My favorite parts, in order. 1)18 straight shots of the same punch landing 2)”Wrong Bet.” 3)The world’s most awkward beginning to a slow clap at the 1:06 mark. 4)”This dude’s gonna kill your ass!” right after the slow clap. 5)and then magic at 1:35 with the yelling of “LIONHEART!!!” while a spin-kick finds its mark. And lastly, 6)the weird melodramatic ending to the fight scene, almost like Van Damme reverts to a frightened child; I swear he’s about to cry. What a scene. I’m going to make that LIONHEART! yell my new default text message noise.)
LeSean McCoy, The Gang – 32.42 points, 185 rush yards, 2 TD, 2 receptions for 15 yards
The man is so good he has four capital letters in his name. McCoy’s quickness and speed through the hole looks unreal right now. He’s like Brian Westbrook but stockier, faster, and on HGH. Of note, McCoy barely edged out Steven Jackson and his 32.38 points this week.
MEGATRON , Los Pescaderos – 20.33 points, 6 receptions for 125 yards, 1 TD
"Decepticons - ATTACK!!!"
Though Megatron kicked some serious ass this week, his team (Los Pescas) ended up losing, a concept which parallels nicely the average Transformers episode where Megatron busts some heads at the local hydroelectric dam during an energon raid only to have things go sour because most of the other Decepticons are incompetent. Here’s a video of Megatron being a dominating badass:
Also, if I could dedicate one song to Megatron that captures my feelings about him, it would probably be this:
Scott Chandler, The Brown Trout – 15.33 points, 2 receptions for 35 yards, 2 TD
Pretty efficient work by Mr. Chandler, who caught both of Ryan Fitzpatrick’s touchdowns. That’s TWO double dips for the Trout this week.
Team of the Week
The Brown Trout
The top scoring honors this week go to the Brown Trout, whose 134.37 outing is their second best this season. (They scored 140 points in week 2 – a loss to the GBP.) A nice rebound for the Trout, who just came off 3 straight games at 74 points or less and who desperately need to get things going ASAP if they’re going to make a run for the playoffs.
Coach of the Week
In honor of the double dips served up by Fitzpatrick to Chandler this week, Commish will go ahead and double dip the Coach of the Week with the Team of the Week, namely Justin Buhr and his Brown Trout. The Trout had four players on bye this week, some even with a little talent (Roddy White, Jermichael Finley) and two others who were injured (Mike Tolbert and Felix Jones). Little Buhr shrewdly snatched Chandler from the free agent pool and got his money’s worth. He also had a nice fill in of McCluster (the league’s premier bye week slut) and even Mike Thomas (actually no props for that one – the guy scores just 3 points each week – trust me I know), all of which amounted to an impressive win over brother Gabe whose Pescaderos put up a none-too-shabby 120-plus points. Congrats, double dipper, you are Coach of the week and your team is Team of the Week and your Commish loves you (even if you have snubbed the podcast like four times now).
Goat of the Week
No great fantasy shame this week, but bobbling that snap on that last drive?! Come on man, that’s just horrid. Luckily, Rivers, you’re in good company (http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-fantasy/09000d5d81c511ad/Eagles-defense-fumble-recovery). That’s right, an Eli Manning comparison. Come get your horns.
Enemies of the Crown – 9 wins
MI-6 – 7 wins
The Enemies of the Crown continue their undefeated streak in weeks with just a single inter-division game. The Crackheeds dispatched the Brown Trout (handily I might add) in Week 7 and The Defenders took it to the Marauders in Week 8. Week’s 9 and 10 feature all-out inter-division warfare once again.
Week 7’s Winner:
LT’s Crackheeds over The Brown Trout
Performance Sponsored by:
“Unfortunately I misjudged you, you are just a stupid police man ...whose luck has run out.”
More on our villain:
Dr. No is a brilliant scientist with an implied Napoleon complex (see mad scientist), a self-described “unwanted child of a German missionary and a Chinese girl of a good family”. He later “became treasurer of the most powerful criminal society in China”; in this case, the Tongs. He then “escaped to America with $10,000,000” of Tong gold bullion. He specialized in radiation, which cost him both of his hands; his hands were replaced with crude bionic metal ones. No’s hands have great strength (he can crush a metal figurine with them), but are seriously lacking in manual dexterity. This property contributes to his demise.
The bio is spot on.
Week 8’s Winner:
Mormon Defenders over Mitchell’s Marauders
Performance Sponsored by:
“Observe, Mr. Bond, the instruments of Armageddon.”
Karl Stromberg! (The Villain from The Spy Who Loved Me)
More on our villain:
The webbed-fingered Karl Stromberg is a successful self-employed businessman as head of his own shipping firm and chain of laboratories. Stromberg’s obsession and passion is the ocean where he lives in his palace, named Atlantis, that could submerge itself underwater so as not to be seen or detected. Located off the coast of Sardinia, Italy, Atlantis has everything to support life above and below water for any length of time. In fact, Atlantis is more like a city, able to support dozens if not hundreds of people. Stromberg also owns a huge tanker, named Liparus, that serves as his headquarters away from Atlantis. Aboard the tanker he has a small army of red soldiers. In Christopher Wood’s novelisation of the film, Stromberg is Swedish and his first name is Sigmund.
Although Stromberg has a passion for the ocean and its various species, he despises the human race, not unlike Jules Verne’s Captain Nemo. Stromberg, however, is much more diabolical and has no interest in benefiting the world. He has a congenital condition in which his hands are webbed like those of aquatic birds or mammals. It is his personal mission to start over with a new civilization underwater via complete anarchy against the “surface world”.
This guy is just like Norm! Not only does he have webbed hands, but he also yearns quite literally to live “Under the Sea”.
Slap Chop Official Power Rankings
"All the stores have this - you can't open it up - it's worthless - forget it."
Week 6 Power Rankings (There were no Power Rankings for Week 7)
4)The Rat Pack
10)The Brown Trout
Updated Power Rankings
Not a ton of movement in the past two weeks, though I feel that if Week 7 Power Rankings had come out, we would have seen subtle movements in multiple tiers that probably would have been reversed back to week 6 levels after this week, especially at the top of the list. Here’s where things stand from the Commish perspective this week.
The Marauders have continued to perform well despite byes and injuries and lead the league in wins and are second in points. They feel like more a comprehensive “team” then the overly Rodgers dependent Canucks. The Canucks have the feel of a team about to slide a bit given some instability at their WR and RB spots – it may have already begun as they’ve lost two straight. The Marauder’s only weakness at this point seems to be there dependence on either Tony Romo or Eli Manning, either of which could absolutely destroy a team in a playoff game singlehandedly if you’re not careful. The Gang remain in the upper tier, with their core of stars consistently producing even though Brady’s production has slowed a bit. LeSean McCoy is a beast right now and he could easily end up the top scoring RB in fantasy football come the end of the season.
Los Pescaderos probably would have assumed the fourth spot in the theoretical week 7 power rankings after their five straight wins, but I like Eryn’s team better because they are more diversified and not so unilaterally dependent (a la Gabe and his Texans). Eryn has the luxury of making Chris Johnson (looking more like Light Blue Cain than Light Blue Jesus at this point – and yes that’s a Bible joke) his third running back with Gore and Fred Jackson (Iwan got schooled in that trade!!) being the productive starters, and Graham is just about the best WR in the league, only he plays TE – what a boost. But Gabe is right there, especially with his point production up in recent weeks. It seems harsh to place my currently second-seeded (thanks to odd division record rules) Crackheeds as low as sixth place especially after three straight wins and being the fourth highest scoring team, but in reality the Brees and Peterson bye weeks still loom large and that will probably push this team squarely back into the middle of the pack. And I would like to welcome the Defenders, whose two solid victories over teams one and two in this poll in successive weeks as well as three straight 100-point-plus performances have earned them solid middle-tier status.
The most movement in these rankings has occurred here. I still like the Birdmen the best of these three, because of Cam Newton and the other superstars. The GBP are simply cursed, with teams averaging a dominating 136.8 points against them (the next worst is the The Brown Trout, at a not-even-close 111.5 points against), so they drop to last place until further notice. Also the death of Philip Rives has not gone well for this team. The Brown Trout could potentially move up if they string together a couple of wins, but that’s a big if. Also they keep snubbing the podcast, so fuck them when it comes to the Power Rankings.
1)Mitchell’s Marauders (6-2)
2)Crazy Canucks (5-3)
3)The Gang (5-3)
4)The Rat Pack (5-3)
5)Los Pescaderos (5-3)
6)LT’s Crackheeds (5-3)
7)Mormon Defenders (4-4)
8)Fightin’ Birdmen (2-6)
9)The Brown Trout (2-6)
10)The GBP (1-7)
And last but not least, the MLOM week 8 podcast, featuring Iwan and I.
I’m out of town next week, so very likely there will be no notes and no podcast until the following week, though potentially I could post something about the league in limited fashion. We shall see.
Until then, good luck to all teams.