Monthly Archives: October 2011

Shame Spirals – the MLOM Podcast, Week 6 – The Normcast!

week6normcast

 

Above is the link to this week’s podcast.  Special Guest Norm this week,with Vice Commish Iwan back in the house.  Clocking in at 1:40:00+ –  a new record.  Lots of fun as always.

 

Off to Vegas!

 

Commish

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Commish Notes – Week 6

Commish Notes Week 6

I’m kind of in a hurry this week, like a team playing a game after it just played on Monday night.  It’s a short week and I have to cram in what I can.  Off to Vegas at the end of the week and I wanted to crank out some notes.  This week’s intro will feature a look at some of the numbers I thought intriguing while looking at the past week and at the league in general.

Everything's Numb3rs

(Brought this back for E)

GBP Strength of Schedule

Holy shit the GBP have played a tough schedule this year.  The average score against them is a whopping 135.12 points.   No wonder they are 1-5.   The next closest is not even in the same league, the Fightin’ Birdmen facing 112.53 points on average this year are number 2.

The agony of defeat

In similar news, the GBP are getting beat by an average of 41 points this season in their five losses. Damn.

WR let-down in week 6

It wasn’t a great week for WR scoring.  Only 11 of 30 WR’s starting this week went over 10 points, and 3 of those were on the Canucks.  Only 5 of 30 WR’s had 100 yard games this week, which seems odd in the new air it out all the time NFL.

100 point games

Only two teams, the Canucks and the Crackheeds, have posted 100+ point games every week this season.  In contrast, four teams have posted only two 100+ point games this year – The Birdmen, Defenders, Los Pescaderos, and The GBP.

Stink Bombs

There have been 3 stink bombs in MLOM this year – all by the Brown Trout.  But in their other three games, they are averaging 119 points.

DE-FENSE!!

The Mormon Defenders are averaging 21 points per game on defense, an insane number.   But despite that, they are 2-4.  What does that say about their offense?

Touchdowns

The Canucks have 45 TD’s thus far, an average of 7.5 per week, easily tops in the league.  The Defenders, on the other end, have just 17, only 2.83 TD’s per week.   (I guess that’s what it says about their offense.)

Weekly Awards

Game of the Week

Mormon Defenders 114.47 over Mitchell’s Marauders 90.14

Initially I posted the Gang/Crackheeds game in this slot because of the up-in-the-air Monday night come from behind victory enacted by one bipolar Brandon Marshall. But then I thought about it some more and I really want to put the Defenders upset victory over the Marauders in this slot.  Not only did Norm get a much, much needed win out of the game,  he ALSO did it in Monday Night comeback fashion (though you could argue that his NYJ defense getting four points at home over Matt Moore and what the dolphins call “offense”  was a foregone conclusion) and handed the Marauders their first defeat of the season in the process.  Some could argue that this was a classic let-down game for the Marauders, coming off the big victory over the Canucks, but they should know that no game is a gimmie in MLOM (not even games against the Brown Trout, though I could see the argument).  Either way it was an exciting game throughout the day which ended fittingly on Monday night.  The 72 dolphins may finally drink their champagne, as no team in MLOM is left undefeated.

Players of the Week

Quarterback

Aaron Rodgers, Crazy Canucks – 31.52 points, 17 of 28, 310 yards, 3 TD, 1 interception, 15 rushing yards

To be honest, Aaron Rodgers posting only 31 points at home against the Rams  is kind of a letdown performance, but he still managed to tally the highest QB score – he’s just that good.  It’s hard to keep coming up with things to say about this guy, other than that he’s “locked in”, “playing at a high level”, “catching the ball at its highest point” and every other cliché.  I wish the Packers wore those throwback uniforms every week.  Man they are good/bad.

Running Back

Ahmad Bradshaw, Crazy Canucks – 32.40 points, 104 rush yards, 3 TD, 2 receptions, 26 yards

Uhh that's a Pwnyo.

Bradshaw’s 3 TD’s and 100-plus yards powered the G-Men past the Bills and similarly helped the Canucks maintain their insane point per game average, which continues to be off the charts.  After at least two of the scores CBS cameras caught Bradshaw doing a complicated twelve step hand shake with injured Brandon Jacobs.  Witnessing this made me feel whiter than I’ve ever felt in my life.  I should also add that Bradshaw’s 32 point performance narrowly edged out “The Ass”, Michael Turner.  If Turner ever gets the top score in a week, look out, I’m talking an ass montage to rival this Manning Face Page.

(Costacos Brothers Poster of the Week)

This week’s winner is Ahmad Bradshaw, and because he’s a Giant, I just couldn’t resist putting up the Terminator, a poster I actually had in my very own room back in high school, and maybe college, and hell maybe now.  Before Lawrence Taylor preyed on 15 year old girls, turns out he preyed on opposing offenses.  In the poster, he’s a terminator, one that’s not afraid to use grenades OR his laser fingers, either option being deadly.  I always wondered what the hell happened to guy in the way back who’s stuck on the goalpost.  What did he do to deserve the extra humiliation? 


Wide Receiver

Devin Hester, Fightin’ Birdmen – 25.93 points, 5 receptions, 91 yards, 1 TD, 134 return yards, 1 TD

The kicker ALMOST totally got him.

Why did the Canucks keep kicking to Devin Hester?  (Actually, I find the kicking to Devin Hester argument kind of funny, it’s explained better here.   I’m not sure what’s better, Hester’s performance this week, or this random story about Hester getting “slapped” in a casino.  Apparently the man is being charged.   Did the man try to run away afterward?  Did he realize the futility of that?  What is Devin Hester like in a casino?  I have many questions.

Tight End

Jimmy Graham, The Rat Pack – 14.77 points; 7 receptions for 124 yards

He's Tiny!

Graham has clearly become the go-to guy for Drew Brees.  He is unparalleled in terms of TE fantasy production this year, leading the position easily with 90.84 points after six weeks (the next closest is Rob Gronkowski at 74.67 points).  Graham is so good he’s currently 3rd in the NFL in total receiving yards (behind only Welker and Steve Smith).  If he were a WR, he would be in 4th overall scoring in that position.  His price on draft day?  Just $7.  Nice work Eron.

Team of the Week

The Crazy Canucks, 139.11

A week on the heels of their tough loss against the Marauders, the Canucks come storming back with a 139 point outing to keep their average at a blistering 137.39 points per week.  The scary thing about this 139.11 performance is that it is their second worst tally of the year, which means that in five of six games this year they’ve officially blown up.  It has to slow down sometime, right?  Maybe, but not this week.

Coach of the Week

Norm Hamson

This week the Defenders showed me something.  Norm was just one player away from his optimal line up and handed the Marauders their first loss of the season, and maybe showed a little spark in the process.  Norm’s ability to go from Jets defense to 49ers defense on any given week is a nice perk of having both.   A nice fill in play of Ernest Graham as well.  With the ever exciting Vick present and possibly the resurgence of Marques Colston and Mike Williams (both had good weeks this week), the Defenders may still yet be able to make a little noise this season.  Either way, they got-er-done this week.


Goat of the Week

Someone on the Brown Trout – Hell it was a team effort.

This week’s options include Jermichael Finley, Roddy White, or Felix Jones.  What do they have in common?  That’s right they’re all stinking up the Brown Trout’s joint.  I can’t even pick one.  Just look at the goat picture.

Interdivision War

Enemies of the Crown – 7 wins

MI-6 – 7 wins

After six weeks it’s all tied up between the two sides.  Norm’s Defenders pulled off the upset win this week over the heavily favored Marauders and pulled the Enemies of the Crown division even in the process.  This espionage game of Cat and Mouse continues.  Who will be the eventual victor?

This week’s winner:

Mormon Defenders over The Brown Trout

Performance sponsored by:

“Oh, leave the legs free. They'll make appetizing bait.”

Aristotle “Aris” Kristatos!  (One of the Villains from For Your Eyes Only)

From Wikipedia:

Generally regarded as a hero for his bravery in World War II and the Greek Civil War, which the British government awarded him the King’s Medal, Kristatos was actually a double agent during both conflicts. Though he appeared to be a respectable businessman in the years thereafter, he was in fact a heroin smuggler and a Soviet agent. He developed a bloody feud with Milos Columbo, a rival smuggler. He is in union with rogue Nazi supporters who have aided him in smuggling gold, drugs and other supplies out of Britain. In the film, he is hired by General Gogol to obtain the British device ATAC, which controls Polaris missiles.

This actor also played General Veers in Empire and Walter Donovan in Last Crusade.  That’s a nice round of villainry there guy.

Slap Chop Official Power Rankings

"You can't open this up - it's worthless - forget it. Now take the Slap Chop..."

Last Week’s Ranks

1)Mitchell’s Marauders

2)Crazy Canucks

3)The Gang

4)The Rat Pack

5)Los Pescaderos

6)LT’s Crackheeds

7)Fightin’ Birdmen

8)The GBP

9)The Brown Trout

10)Mormon Defenders

There was not a ton of movement in the Power Rankings this week though there was still much hand-wringing on the part of the Commish to decide who belonged where.  I’ll keep the rankings listed by tiers, as those haven’t changed this week.

Upper Tier

After much deliberation I decided to keep the Marauders at the top spot over the Canucks despite the even records and the nearly 70 point advantage the Canucks currently hold.  For me I feel that the Marauders hold a versatility and depth edge over the Canucks.  Their best receivers and best running backs are better than those of the Canucks (especially when healthy) and their quarterbacks (Romo, Manning, and now Tebow(!)) are good enough. The Canucks are a little too Rodgers dependent for my liking, though through the first six weeks they would have won plenty even without him.  I could see myself changing my mind week to week here but for now I’m keeping the Marauders on top with the Canucks oh so close to taking their spot.  The Gang, despite their close loss this week, stay in third place, with the Brady/Nicks/McCoy combination looking absolutely combustible week to week (except this week – when they are all off – ouch.)

Middle Tier

In the middle tier I kept things about the same though I switched my Crackheeds with Los Pescaderos, both of whom are behind the Rat Pack.  With Fred Jackson and Jimmy Graham both having MVP-esque fantasy campaigns, and Frank Gore looking rock solid, the Rat Pack are honestly just a hair’s width (and a WR) away from jumping into the upper tier.  I moved the Crackheed ahead of Los Pescaderos this week for a few reasons.  First, Los Pescaderos, despite four wins, have only topped 100 points twice this season.  The Heeds have done it every single week.  Also, Best is now concussed which may present lasting problems and the QB play just hasn’t been consistent enough for Los Pescaderos to keep them above Drew Brees and company.  (Honestly, If I’m Gabe, I’m looking to trade Megatron cheaply to a team – like the Crackheed – and just focus on next season.  But that’s just me. )   The Heeds meanwhile have been very steady, though they desperately needed their close win over the Gang this past week to avoid falling to 2-4.

Lower Tier

The Birdmen maintain the seventh spot despite their big loss to the Canucks.  It should be noted that their team had a lot of byes in week 6.  Luckily, they face the Gang this week, whose team is even worse off on byes then the Birdmen were last week.  I still like their upside.   I kept the GBP at spot number 8 because, despite their lack of stellar output the past few weeks (they haven’t hit over 100 point since week two) their schedule has been absolutely brutal – teams have been averaging 135.12 points against them per week!   I still don’t quite know what to make of them, or Philip Rivers for that matter.  I bumped the Defenders out of last place this week because Norm’s team finally showed some life and Michael Vick sort of keeps people in games.  That elevates them, as well as the fact that our new cellar dweller, The Brown Trout, is just awful.  There have been three stink bombs this season in MLOM.  All three came from The Brown Trout.  I rest my case.  And to think, it took just six weeks from preseason darling Brown Trout to go from first to worst.  Ouch.  Bring on the shame spirals!

Updated Power Rankings

1)Mitchell’s Marauders (5-1)

2)Crazy Canucks (5-1)

3)The Gang (3-3)

4)The Rat Pack (4-2)

5)LT’s Crackheeds (3-3)

6)Los Pescaderos (4-2)

7)Fightin’ Birdmen (2-4)

8)The GBP (1-5)

9)Mormon Defenders (2-4)

10)The Brown Trout (1-5)

Final Word

Just for giggles, let’s throw in the draft ranks and grades to see how things have fluctuated (or not).

1)The Brown Trout, A-

2)The Gang, B+

3)Los Pescaderos, B+

4)LT’s Crackheeds, B

5)The Rat Pack, B-

6)Mitchell’s Marauders, B-

7)The GBP, C+

8)Mormon Defenders, C

9)The Birdmen, C-

10)Crazy Canucks, C-

Man, did I peg those Canucks and those Brown Trout or what?

OK, that’s it.  It’s a good bet that Commish Notes (and possibly a podcast) may not get done NEXT week due to my mom and sister being in town all week.  If Notes do get done, they will be very brief, maybe just awards and power rankings with very little commentary.   I simply won’t have the time.

For this week we’re looking to tape a podcast Thursday, hopefully with either Norm or Justin.  Stay tuned for that.

Good luck to all teams this week,

Commish


Commish Notes – Week 5

Commish Notes Week 5

I seem to be running a little behind this week on the notes, so in the interest of time, let’s skip the sassy intro and just do a series of clips – many of them football related!

Harsh Mistress

Meaningless real life play turns into 9 points of Fantasy Gold for Eron and the Rat Pack.  This play had me in my biggest shame spiral to date this season.

Steve Smith is just a football player

Steve Smith is a goddam man and this play will prove it to you.  Check out the mid-air stiff arm and how he doesn’t even give a FUCK that he is hit late.  He just goes right on with his celebration and THEN turns around to kick some ass.  (The slow motion replays of the catch are at the end of the clip.)

The Bo-Zone

This one is for Little Buhr, who probably wants Dwayne Bowe back about now.

Cruz Control

Had to put this Victor Cruz highlight in.  Note that Eli’s great read and pass are really what made the play.

Sweetness

In honor of that Walter Payton book that just came out, I figured a few highlights of Sweetness might be in order.  True he was no Cedric Benson, and also possessed no significant leaping ability, but he could play a little.  In fact, it still kind of bums me out that Emmitt Smith broke his rushing record.  Emmitt Smith sucked.

Weekly Awards

Game of the Week

Mitchell’s Marauders 118.48 over Crazy Canucks 102.77

It turns out that once again there were multiple good options for game of the week this week, including Los Pescaderos Monday Night comeback over the Mormon Defenders and The Rat Pack’s dispensing of LT’s Crackheeds.  Both were no doubt well played games, but in the end it was the highly hyped Marauders vs. Canucks, undefeated vs. undefeated match-up that takes home the prize.  I’m going to call this an upset, because going in it looked like the full strength Canucks had enough ammunition to take home the victory over the bye-and-injury-laden Marauders.  But credit those scrappy Marauders, who stepped up and delivered a big time bragging rights victory.  Will it be enough to reshape the power rankings?

Players of the Week

Quarterback

Aaron Rodgers, Crazy Canucks; 31.66 points, 26/39, 396 yards, 2 TD, 1 rush, -1 yards

He trained with Eli in the offseason to learn how to sense and avoid the rush better

Aaron Rodgers makes his second straight appearance here as the QB of the week.  His legs may have been oddly dormant but his arm remained deadly as he notched up nearly 400 yards (again) en route to another 30-plus point outing.  His lowest output this year has been 28 points, rather impressive.  He is now easily the leading scorer in MLOM at 183 points.  The next closest is Tom Brady, well behind at 159.

Running Back

Adrian Peterson, LT’s Crackheeds, 31.17 points, 29 for 122 yards, 3 TDs

You call this an attempted tackle? Pathetic.

It’s kind of hard to shame spiral when a player gets over 100 yards and 3 TDs, but Commish managed to do it this week with All Day.  You see, all of AP’s touchdowns came in the first quarter, leading me to the erroneous thinking that he was due for 12 touchdowns on the day (give or take 2 either way).  When that did not happen, it was actually kind of a letdown.  Fantasy football is a sickness.  But still, All Day got the job done, and makes his second appearance here as the RB of the week.

(Costacos Brothers Poster of the Week)

Congratulations to Adrian Peterson who is the recipient of this week’s Costacos Brothers Poster of the Week Award!  I found this gem of the ‘original’ Curt Warner on the interwebs and it couldn’t be denied.  C-Dub 1.0 used to be a stud RB for the Seahawks back in the day, and his number 28 reminded me of AP.  Peterson might be the more talented player, but his uniform pales in comparison. The get up here really is something else; C-dub 1.0 looks like he stepped out of the best science fiction movie EVAR, and comes fully equipped with Moon Boots, a glowing football that looks like a Tron Disc, Laser Tag Breast Plate, Bladder Armor, Flash Gordon Villain Neck Roll, and some sort of football field targeting computer built into his helmet.  He looks like he arrived on the scene calmly, but the fire trail on the field behind him tells a different story.  And as if he couldn’t kick your ass alone, he’s got Slave I hovering behind him for air support.  All in all, early into the third quarter of the Galactic Bowl, I’m surprised the score is ONLY 28-0, Seahawks over Replicants.

Wide Receiver

Dwayne Bowe, Mitchell’s Marauders, 27.03 points, 7 receptions, 128 yards, 2 TD’s

Double Dwayne Bowe - What does it MEAN?!?

Bowe narrowly edged out Pierre Garcon and his 25 points to claim top honors for the week.  One of his touchdown grabs was positively sublime (highlight above).  It’s odd that despite Megatron’s dominance he has yet to be featured as the top WR of any week.  (When it does happen, though, look for these notes to really devolve into a Megatron love fest.)

Tight End

Vernon Davis, The Gang; 15.85 points, 3 receptions for 39 yards, 2 TD

This doesn’t seem like an actual Vernon Davis (downfield tight end) stat line.  More like Anthony Fasano or his ilk during one random week of the season.  Davis managed to beat out Jimmy Graham (last week’s winner) by less than a point.  Graham’s numbers, 8 for 129 and 0 TDs, definitely seem more like Vernon Davis numbers.  Vernon Davis remains proof that even shitty athletes can succeed in the NFL.

Team of the Week

The Gang, 127.79 points

The Gang, who let a couple of wins slip away the last few weeks, came out strong this week, winning by the largest margin of any team.  They also posted the best overall score and avoided the dreaded losing record, moving instead to 3-2 instead with a solid win over the GBP.   Despite just 20.71 points (Yahoo projection: 20.78, now that’s eerie) from Tom Brady, everyone else came up big with double digit scores except for, notably, the Green Bay members of the Gang to include James Starks (5.6 points) and the GB defense (8 points).  Huge props to PPR for playing Pierre Garcon whose 25.83 points were good for second best WR output of the week.  Going to 2-3 might have been costly for the Gang, but they righted the ship at the right time and should remain firmly etched in the upper tier of the power rankings.

Coach of the Week

Team Fwob

Despite dealing with multiple players on bye weeks and Andre Johnson sidelined with injury, Team Fwob came out guns ablazin’ this week and backed up their swagger with points and perhaps the victory of the season, over rival and previously undefeated Iwan Thomas and his Canucks.  They maintained their undefeated record, and somehow managed to coach a 25.22 point game out of Eli Manning despite his multiple picks and game-ending pick-for-six.    The Eric Decker trash talk session might have not have panned out (0.73 points), but perhaps in making Iwan “fear” him, Fwob succeeded in drawing coverage Decker’s way thereby opening the door for the other players to make plays and score points.  Bob and Fwats have some serious swagger right now, kind of like the street rappers in Teen Witch.  They scare and confuse you a little, and you don’t want to walk to close to their car, but you’re also strangely attracted to them. They wonder aloud, can you ‘top that’?

The Team Fwob Swagger Wagon in Action

Goat of the Week

Vincent Jackson, 3.77 points

Why the long face?

I had trouble with picking a Goat of the Week this week.  Nothing really stood out, but in the end I had to go with an underperforming player on the lowest scoring team in the closest game.  And so, I present Vincent Jackson, whose measly 3.77 points seem horrible when considering his talent level, auction price, quarterback, and quality of opponent this week.  If that guy even has an average game, The Brown Trout are right in this game and with a just a little extra (that you kind of expect with a player of this caliber) they come away with an easy win.  Vincent, until the next time we see you in Oceanaire, come get your horns.

Interdivision War

Enemies of the Crown – 6 wins

MI-6 – 7 wins

Week 5 was the second in back-to-back all-out interdivision warfare weeks, and credit the MI-6 for taking home another round with a 3-2 game edge.  They come out on top 7-3 in the two weeks combined and seem to be making up well for the now all but forgotten 0-3 start.

It will be back to single matches for a few weeks until weeks 9 and 10 when the all-out brawl starts anew, and as we leave our interdivision madness for a few weeks, the cumulative end result of inter-division warfare seems pretty even thus far.  The records are close.   How about points?  It turns out that the Enemies of the Crown have a slight edge with 2842.41 total points as compared to 2753.13 for MI-6.  Conclusions?  The divisions are closer than the vice-commish and I would like to believe.  But the points tell a tale.  The MI-6 has more wins despite less points.  They are clearly the less talented, luckier division.  I think that’s fair.  Or put another way, MI-6 sucks! Torrey Pines High School Football rules!

Let’s see how this week’s individual performances shape up.

The Rat Pack over LT’s Crackheeds

Performance reminiscent of:

“The Chinese have a saying; ‘Before setting off on revenge, you first dig two graves’.”

Roger Moore in For Your Eyes Only

From Wikipedia:

Bond attempts to locate a missile command system while becoming tangled in a web of deception spun by rival Greek businessmen along with Melina Havelock, a woman seeking to avenge the murder of her parents.

A great Moore performance in an underrated Bond film, a nice symbol of Eryn’s (perhaps) underrated performance this week.

Los Pescaderos over Mormon Defenders:

Performance reminiscent of:

“I know the rules, and number one is "no deals'.”

Pierce Brosnan in Die Another Day

From Wikipedia:

Bond leads a mission to North Korea, during which he is found out and, after seemingly killing a rogue North Korean colonel, he is captured and imprisoned. More than a year later, Bond is released as part of a prisoner exchange, and, surmising that someone within the British government betrayed him, he follows a trail of clues in an effort to earn redemption by finding his betrayer and killing a North Korean agent he considers central to his torture.

One of the better Brosnan films, which unfortunately isn’t saying much.  But still it was a nice comeback film after the less than stellar “The World is Note Enough”.  Similarly, Gabe had a nice comeback this week.   (You see the connection?  I spend hours on Bond Wikipedia to come up with crap like this I’ll have you know. )

Mitchell’s Marauders over Crazy Canucks

Performance reminiscent of:

"That gun, it looks more fitting for a woman."

Sean Connery in Thunderball

From Wikpedia:

The film follows Bond’s mission to find two NATO atomic bombs stolen by SPECTRE, which holds the world ransom for £100 million in diamonds, in exchange for not destroying an unspecified major city in either England or the United States (later revealed to be Miami). The search leads Bond to the Bahamas, where he encounters Emilio Largo, the card-playing, eye-patch wearing SPECTRE Number Two. Backed by the CIA and Largo’s mistress, Bond’s search culminates in an underwater battle with Largo’s henchmen.

Thunderball, a Bond classic, was one of the highest critically acclaimed Bonds of all – just as this victory by Team Fwob was!  (Again, note the connections.)

Fightin’ Birdmen over The Brown Trout

Birdmen’s Victory sponsored by:

“How do you like my personal pantheon of great commanders?”

Brad Whitaker!  (One of the villains from “The Living Daylights”)

An ugly win deserves an ugly winner, and who’s uglier than Jo Don Baker playing the role of Brad Whitaker, a fourth tier villain in a third tier Bond film?  From Wikipedia:

“Brad Whitaker is an international black market arms dealer from the U.S. He is fascinated by war, but his actual military career is a failure, so he turns to arms dealing to organize his own personal military force. Expelled from West Point for cheating, he spends a short stint as a mercenary in the Belgian Congo before working with various criminal organizations to help finance his first arms deals. He loves military history, and it is implied that he wargames various historical conflicts using automated miniature figures and effects, such as the battles of Agincourt, Waterloo, and Gettysburg. In a conversation with Bond, Whitaker believes that Pickett’s Charge should have been made up Little Round Top, and that if Grant was in charge of the Union at Gettysburg, he would have crushed the Army of Northern Virginia, ending the war.

Whitaker even has a pantheon of “great military commanders” in his headquarters, which included some of history’s most famous and infamous figures, such as Adolf Hitler, Napoleon Bonaparte, Genghis Khan, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, and Attila the Hun. Whitaker holds these men in high regard and calls them “surgeons who removed society’s dead flesh”. “

Sounds like an amazing character.

The Gang over the GBP

The Gang’s victory sponsored by:

"Mr. Bond, you persist in defying my efforts to provide an amusing death for you."

Hugo Drax!  (The Villian from Moonraker)

From Wikipedia:

“Hugo Drax is a billionaire living in California in a château that was imported from France. He owns Drax Industries, which constructs space shuttles.  Drax sought to destroy the entire human race except for a small group of carefully selected humans, both male and female, that would leave Earth on six shuttles (the one just stolen from NASA to replace one that had faults) and have sanctuary on a space station in orbit over Earth. Using chemical weapons created by Drax’s scientists, derived from the toxin of a rare South American plant, the Black Orchid, at an installation in Italy, he would wipe out the remainder of humanity.  After a period of time, when the chemical agents had become harmless, Drax and his master race would return to Earth to reinhabit the planet. These humans would supposedly live in harmony with one another under his command.”

Slap Chop Official Power Rankings

Watch This - You're Gonna Love my Nuts

Last Week’s Ranks:

1)Crazy Canucks

2)Mitchell’s Marauders

3)The Gang

4)LT’s Crackheeds

5)The Rat Pack

6)Los Pescaderos

7)The Brown Trout

8)The Fightin’ Birdmen

9)The GBP

10)Mormon Defenders

The big news this week is that the Canucks have been ousted from the top spot.  By failing to win over the Marauders despite the injury and bye issues faced by said Marauders, I’ve got no choice but to elevate the Marauders into the lead position.  Though Rodgers and the Canucks point totals are to remain feared, I think the top to bottom depth of the Marauders is superior and they proved it Sunday.  The Gang, on the heels of their big victory over the GBP, round out the ‘top tier’ at the third position.

I’ve got the middle tier teams as really, really even, and they include the Rat Pack, Los Pescaderos, and my beloved Heeds.  I give the nod to the Rat Pack who have hot players like Stafford and Fred Jackson that seem to put up consistently good numbers week to week, though long term I worry about the Rat Pack WR corps and they have played the easiest schedule in the league (aka they are currently the luckiest team).  Los Pescaderos are right there with Lion explosion of Best and Megatron and the re-emergence of Foster, but I’d like to see more consistency from Schaub (and more points) before elevating them further.  In regards to my Crackheeds I’m rather harsh on them this week, dropping them two spots, but they need to win, period.  The Heeds still have the fourth most points but just 2 wins, that’s not going to cut it (as we’ve seen in years past) and the WR corps is more or less a master’s course in unreliable and inconsistent at this point.

I’ve got the last four teams in the lower tier, where I have the Birdmen leading that group due to the emergence of Cam Newton as well as the established bonafides, McFadden and Fitzgerald.  With a potentially healthy Gates looming, the Birdmen could make some noise in upcoming weeks.  The GBP have played the hardest schedule but have been fairly awful the last few weeks and are way too dependent on their WR corps and a faltering (fantasy wise) Rivers.  The Brown Trout are sinking faster than the Titanic (and have put up this year’s only two stink bombs) but stay just ahead of the Defenders who can’t buy points right now save for their defenses, and frankly, that’s reason for concern.

Updated Power Rankings

1)Mitchell’s Marauders (5-0)

2)Crazy Canucks (4-1)

3)The Gang (3-2)

4)The Rat Pack (3-2)

5)Los Pescaderos (3-2)

6)LT’s Crackheeds (2-3)

7)Fightin Birdmen (2-3)

8)The GBP (1-4)

9)The Brown Trout (1-4)

10)Mormon Defenders (1-4)

Final Word

I’m getting these notes in just under the wire.  Look for decent notes again next week but the week following there may be clearly abbreviated notes as my mom and sister will be in town the whole week (meaning I won’t have four-plus hours to spend on notes).   We might even have trouble pulling off a podcast that week, but we’ll see what shakes out.

The podcast has continued to be fun to do.  The following managers have yet to appear:  Little Buhr, Gabe, Norm, PPR, and Jonny G.  I’d like to get them all (not holding my breath on PPR for sure) but if not we’ll start going into round 2 with various guests.  I’m also a little disappointed Bob and I couldn’t find time to do a start ‘em/rape ‘em feature this week on the Bobcast.  Really that’s poor direction by me.  Oh well, next time.


Good luck to all teams this week,

Commish


Shame Spirals, the MLOM Podcast – Week 5 – The BOBcast!

Alright League,

Tragedy struck this week as we recorded – and then lost – an entire 120 minute (and then 16 minute follow up) podast featuring Team Fwob, with both Fwats and Bob.  Due to a combination of my negligence and the recording software I use being D-U-M-B DUMB, it is all essentially gone forever.  Even the final 16 minutes, which I thought I had saved properly, turned out to be broke-dick and I have no idea how to get any of it back.  The original 1:20:00 is lost forever.  The Final 16 looks to be in the same boat.  A shame.  A shame I say!  Yes, the Shame Spirals podcast has featured its first technical shame spiral.  Hopefully there will be no more. I weep for our loss.

We did, however, salvage something.  More than something hopefully.  We lost Fwats (who was unavailable for the re-record) yes, but we managed to get back on the horse with Bob and Bob and I hammered out a good 1:35:00 plus podcast which I’m now calling the Bob-cast.  Part memory to the Fwobcast, part new podcast all its own, and all Bob.   It may not be the original, but it’s good, good enough to stand on its own in my opinion.

 

I give you, the Bobcast, the week 5 Shame Spirals MLOM the Podcast featuring myself and Bob:

 

MLOMBobcastweek5

 

Enjoy.

 

Commish

 


Shame Spirals – The MLOM Podcast Week 4

MLOMweek4podcast

The week 4 podcast is here!   Taped late Friday night, it’s just Iwan and I as Little Buhr had a scheduling conflict at the last minute.  He was suddenly unavailable and thus tempts the possible podcast jinx – if one exists.   Running time is about 1:30:00 again, pretty close to the usual.  Trade talk featuring the Johnson/Vick trade starts around 1:08 minutes or so I think.  The format is the same, a general intro followed by a review of Week 4 games, a review of waiver moves, and finally a look ahead to Week 5 games.

Hope you enjoy!

Commish


Commish Notes Week 4

Commish Notes Week 4

The NFL season just turned the quarter pole and we here in MLOM have finished about a third of the regular season.  MLOM highlights this past week included the revenge of MI-6 in the inter-divisional games, a holy shit game from Mitchell’s Marauders, and those damn Canucks just keep on rollin’ (I wonder if Iwan is constantly walking around doing that old Culpepper “keep on rollin’” move with his arms.   You know the one Dante always did back when the Vikings were good, or at least when he could constantly throw it deep to a young Randy Moss and fool you into thinking HE was good?   And if you’re wondering if I’m just trying to jinx the Canuck by comparing his team to Culpepper in some way, the answer is yes.)   The narrative of our beloved league continues weaving itself week in and week out, and people, I couldn’t be more fired up.

Here are my other thoughts on this past week:

As Gabe foretold, my Crackheeds and I were “Megafucked” this week, and it hurt a bunch, but you know what?  It also felt kind of good.

Here’s why:

http://www.nfl.com/videos/auto/09000d5d822c0e99/WK-4-Can-t-Miss-Play-Megatron-out-leaps-Cowboys

If you’re going to lose, you might as well lose to Megatron.  Am I wrong?

You see, Megatron is awesome.  Now I know what you’re thinking – whoops, Papa Stup genes coming out there stating the obvious and all.  But apparently not everyone gets the message.   It turns out that before the Lions/Cowboys game Rob Ryan (defensive coordinator of the cowboys, brother of Rex, part-time pirate, and full time moron) said something along the lines of “Calvin Johnson would be the third best receiver on this team”.  Whoa, whoa, whoa there jackass, hold the fuck on.   Excuse me?  Oh no you effing dittn’t!  Unbelievable.  Folks, I can honestly say without hyperbole that that statement by Rob Ryan was the single stupidest thing any human being has ever said in the history of human civilization.  Re-watch that highlight if you disagree.  Look at it this way: If a team’s receiving corps consisted of Calvin Johnson, Jesus, Spider-Man, and Jerry Rice in 1994, Johnson would be no worse than that team’s SECOND best receiver.  Believe me.  I now hate Rob Ryan.

Send in the Clowns? 

Lots of talk about clowns this week, mostly from Eryn, who posted this Real Men clip up as his smack-talk, which really bothered me because I had planned on using it here before he even mentioned it.  Great clip from an underrated movie that Fwats and I used to quote non-stop in high school.  What does it have to do with MLOM?  Not sure, something about 009 being killed, dressed as a clown, or whatever.  Just watch it:

“Who are those clowns?”

On to the awards:

Weekly Awards

Game of the Week

The Rat Pack (111.39 points) over The Gang (108.91 points)

Tough call on this game vs. the Pescas/Crackheeds game but in the end I’ll give the edge to the slightly closer game that featured the ever compelling father vs. son drama.  (I imagine an angry family dinner with a lot of dramatic glass shattering eventually culminating in shouts of “YOU’RE NOT MY FATHER!” followed shortly by “I HAVE NO SON.”) Eron was able to pull out a close victory despite benching a 35-point Vick performance (right before trading him) as well as a 21-point Gore performance (good luck seeing that again this season).  Brady came down to earth in this game (just 20.39 points) and though Nicks exploded, PPR was undone by another one of his receivers, Anquan Boldin, who couldn’t score five measly points in what turned out to be a slop-fest on Sunday night and who as a result might just be fitted for goat horns a little later in these notes.   It’s also interesting to think that the Stafford to Megatron connection, dormant in the first half of the Lions/Cowboys game, eventually got white hot and led to both close victories this week, Stafford coming up big for Eron and Megatron for Gabe.

Big Winners in multiple forums this week

Players of the Week

Quarterback

Aaron Rodgers, Crazy Canucks 57.57 points, 29 of 38, 408 yards, 4 TD, 1 Int, 9 rush, 36 yards, 2 TD

Anyone up for a good Rodgering?

I’m not sure if any one player has ever broken 60 points before (possibly Michael Vick on MNF vs. the Redskins last year, or Brady in 2007?) but this might be the all-time single best fantasy performance we just witnessed last week.  Four passing TDs, two rushing TDs, and 400-plus yards.  If not for that lone pick, he would have dropped an official 60-burger.  It’s like Kurt Warner combining with Michael Vick over here.  Forget Iwan’s receivers, running backs, tight ends, or whatever, the Canucks will always be dangerous with Rodgers playing at this level.  This week Rodgers was so good, it leads us to….

(Costacos Brothers Poster of the Week)

I had to go "Full Size" for General Blade

(Oddly enough, this somehow isn’t the most homoerotic of posters I plan on showing this year, but damn it’s good and overall probably my favorite.  This poster cracks me up on so many levels I don’t know where to start.   I have no idea what the General Blade reference is, but I do know that Jim Everett means fucking business with that sword in his hand and his old center resting his arms protectively on Everett’s right shoulder.  He is not to be fucked with here.  Tom Newberry on the left looks just a tad gay and has a giant bomb labeled “SF” in his arms while nearby on the ground Irv Pankey has a giant penis gun in hand and a haunted, shameful look in his eyes.  The other guy on the ground, “Smith”, has some sort of rocket-propelled-grenade-like sex toy and looks mindlessly ready to cram it up somebody’s ass at the slightest provocation.  Hall of Fame tackle Jackie Slater, upper right, is the only one who retains even a shred of dignity here, and that’s being generous. (In fact, scratch that.   The word “dignity” is not to be mentioned in a description of this poster.)  All in all, this piece is beautiful, terrible, and hilarious – a masterpiece of the Costacos Brother collection, and only a performance such as that of Aaron Rodgers this week could possibly be mentioned in the same breath, much less worthy of its honor. Enjoy.)

Running Back

Matt Forte, Mitchell’s Marauders, 29.62 points, 205 rush yards, 1 TD, 4 rec for 23 yards

White guys. They never learn.

Forte has quietly been a beast thus far this year.  He’s currently third in RB scoring behind only LeSean McCoy and McFadden.  (Get that, a couple of “Mc’s” leading Mick’s League O’ Micks!)  At just 30 dollars on draft day, he has been the best bargain of any of the high profile backs and one of the keys to the Marauder’s early success.

Wide Receiver

Hakeem Nicks, The Gang, 24.80 points, 10 receptions, 162 yards, 1 TD

According to Papa Stup, this guy is always bailing Eli out of terrible passes

Nicks had a slow start thanks to an injury but has come on of late and started to look like one of those receivers who’s open even when he’s covered.  He’s exactly the sort of bailout receiver that Eli Manning needs.  Papa Stup agrees, even if he can’t stop calling him “Hicks”.

Tight End

Jimmy Graham, The Rat Pack, 22.80 points, 10 receptions for 132 yards, 1 TD

There is something both artful and "I don't give a fuck" about this shot. No wonder this guy plays for Baditude.

Jimmy Graham appears to be the latest addition to the mutant, huge and fast and uncoverable tight end fad.  Through four weeks he is second amongst tight ends in scoring (60 points), behind only Gronk (62).  The two of them are in a class 10 points above all other tight ends, and Graham appears to be the only dependable weapon in the Saints receiving corps, aside from Darren Sproles of course.

Team of the Week

Mitchell’s Marauders, 173.60 points

With a team score this week good enough for sixth all-time on the best ever single performances in route to another victory and the continuation of their undefeated season, Mitchell’s Marauders are clearly the team of the week.  Not only did they continue their high level of play, they also silenced their doubters who had questioned their ability to play tough against the potentially superior Enemies of the Crown division. (The only downside is that IF they had played their optimal line-up, they would have had 187.53 points, good enough for the best score ever.  Which begs the question, who left that record on the table?  Bob or Fwats?)

Coach of the Week

Iwan Thomas, Crazy Canucks

We’re four weeks in and the worst performance the Canucks have put up is 139 points in Week 2.  Iwan has taken the draft grades and draft day taunts about his team and shoved them up the collective league’s ass, coming out on fire in route to his third straight 4-0 start.  I don’t know if he’ll sustain the pace (he can’t, right?), but with Welker anchoring his suddenly scary WR corps and Rodgers doing his thing on a weekly basis, the Canucks are a force to be reckoned with and Iwan is the man behind it.  Iwan, as of right now it’s your league, and we’re just living in it.

Goat of the Week

Anquan Boldin, The Gang,  2.37 points, 1 catch, 28 yards

Did he play poorly because once upon a time this is the team that broke his face?

The candidates this week include mostly guys who played small and as a result their teams (LT’s Crackheeds, The Gang) lost close games.  I looked at Gronk (just 1 catch), Brandon Marshall (dropped a TD catch), and Boldin.  I chose Boldin mostly because of the timing (all he needed on Sunday night was a very pedestrian 5 points to beat the Rat Pack) and also because someone must pay for that offensive fiasco in the Balt/NYJ game.  Sorry Anquan, you’re one tough motherfucker in general (though not as tough as Iwan), but this week you have to come get your horns.

Interdivision War

Enemies of the Crown – 4 Wins

MI-6 – 4 wins

Kudos to the MI-6 division for leading a coordinated strike this week to even up things in the inter-division war.  With M frazzled the first few weeks, MI-6 finally got their act together and put up a 4-1 record against the Enemies of the Crown, just in time to either a)stop a nuclear device from going off in downtown Amsterdam or b)quell most of the talk of the Enemies being the superior fantasy football division.  I’m not sure which.  With the Canucks the only team to escape with a victory, let’s take a look at each performance this week.

Mitchell’s Marauders (173.60) over Fightin’ Birdmen (126.03)

Performance reminiscent of:

"Manners, Oddjob. I thought you always took your hat off to a lady. "

Sean Connery in Goldfinger

Just a master display by one of the best.

The Brown Trout (112.60) over The Mormon Defenders (94.80)

Performance reminiscent of:

"I don't think the dead care about vengeance."

Daniel Craig in Quantum of Solace

Lesser work from an otherwise very good Bond.  Blunt, but effective.

Los Pescaderos (115.32) over LT’s Crackheeds (112.19)

Performance reminiscent of:

"Governments change... the lies stay the same."

Pierce Brosnan in Goldeneye

Elegant and effective. The best work of a middle tier Bond who looked the part more than owned the part.

The Rat Pack (111.39) over The Gang (108.91)

Performance reminiscent of:

"Maybe I misjudged Stromberg. Any man who drinks Dom Perignon '52 can't be all bad."

Roger Moore in The Spy Who Loved Me.

We’ve seen better work from this middle of the road Bond, but he’s still effective enough here to get it done.

And then the Canucks.  The lone winner for the Enemies of the Crown division.  His win was sponsored by:

"I'm neglecting my other guests. Enjoy yourself, you'll find the young ladies stimulating company. "

Max Zorin! (Villain From “A View To a Kill”)

More on Zorin, courtesy of Wikipedia:

Zorin was born in Dresden around the end of the Second World War, after which Dresden became part of East Germany. He later moved to France and became a leading French businessman, operating on the microchip market. However, it is revealed later in the movie that he was the product of Nazi medical experimentation during World War II, in which pregnant women were injected with massive quantities of steroids in an attempt to create “super-children.” Most of the pregnancies failed. The few surviving babies grew to become extraordinarily intelligent—but also psychopathic.

Zorin is extremely sadistic and displays a near-total lack of loyalty to his own men, as shown when he oversaw the execution of a Soviet spy who attempted to sabotage his oil well operations and when he personally massacred hundreds of his own mine workers to ensure the success of his own plans. Despite his long-standing and intimate relationship with his right hand woman May Day, he willingly sacrifices her for the sake of his plans, although this betrayal would backfire horribly on him later on.

May Day, eh?   Well, we do know that Iwan digs the black chicks.

Iwan can't wait to take Grace Jones home and "really explore the space"

Slap Chop Official Power Rankings

With Iwan’s continued dominance (which hinges more or less completely on Rodgers and Welker but hey at this point who cares?), the Canucks retain the top spot.  Mitchell’s Marauders went ape this week and Papa Roston fell in a close game to his son, so those two flip spots, putting the Marauders right near the top just in time for a game of the century of the week between the undefeated Canucks and Marauders.  The Crackheeds lost but retain a five hundred record and their fourth place in scoring and hence their fourth place in the Power Rankings.  The wheeling and dealing Rat Pack move into fifth place after a gutty win and a few trades – as of right now I like their moxie.  I had a real hard time deciding who was better between The Brown Trout and Los Pescaderos – I gave the nod to Gabe’s boys because of their extra win and because they have Megatron who is the best player in the goddam league holy shit he is so good.  The Birdmen continue their slow climb out of the cellar this week thanks to the continued development of Cam Newton and their inspired 126-point performance (third best this week) in defeat.  The GBP are the big losers this week, all the way down to ninth because of Rivers inability to capitalize on a cake schedule, Mendenhall’s bum hamstring, and the fact that without a spectacular performance from their receivers they seem to have no hope of winning.  The Defenders remain in last place, but I think the acquisition of Michael Vick might bring this team back into the fold.

Last Week’s Ranks:

1)Crazy Canucks

2)The Gang

3)Mitchell’s Marauders

4)LT’s Crackheeds

5)The GBP

6)The Rat Pack

7)The Brown Trout

8)Los Pescaderos

9)Fightin’ Birdmen

10)Mormon Defenders

Updated Power Rankings:

1)Crazy Canucks (4-0)

2)Mitchell’s Marauders (4-0)

3)The Gang (2-2)

4)LT’s Crackheeds (2-2)

5)The Rat Pack (2-2)

6)Los Pescaderos (2-2)

7)The Brown Trout (1-3)

8)The Fightin’ Birdmen (1-3)

9)The GBP (1-3)

10)Mormon Defenders (1-3)

Final Word

-Because of the heavy inter-divisional stuff this week I laid off on the in depth explanation of the Power Rankings and my thoughts about each team, which we tend to cover in the podcast anyway.

-The Podcast this week will feature Little Buhr and we should be taping Friday evening with a late Friday night or early Saturday morning release, if all goes as planned.

-In general I’m trying to push the publishing of both the notes and the podcast up in the week if possible.  By the time both are done on Saturday I feel like people have already sort of moved on to the next week.  That said, we’re doing the best we can here.  These notes take no less than four hours (and often longer given my slow writing/editing pace) to compile per week and the podcasts seem to be more fun on the weekends when I’m not limited by a 7 pm bedtime.  We make do, I guess.  Again, comments, feedback, suggestions, even negative are all welcome.  I can certainly cut these notes out if people prefer to hear the podcast only.

Good luck to all teams this week,

Commish


Commish Notes, Week 3

Commish Notes Week 3

Yesterday evening I randomly caught the last fifty minutes of Mr. Mom on some cable channel.  That movie has lots of nostalgia for me, as a kid I liked it quite a bit.  Rewatching it as an adult I also found it amusing (and quite decent, actually) but for different reasons.  The turning-the-page moment where Michael Keaton shaves the beard and gets his shit together (with the “Gonna Fly Now” song from Rocky)  is particularly good.  But the reason I bring it up here is this – the movie takes place in Michigan and Michael Keaton struts around in Lions gear left and right.  In one pivotal scene where Michael Keaton tries to get his middle kid to get rid of his ‘woobie’, there is a poster on the wall featuring Eric Hipple.  Yes, Eric fucking Hipple, the old Lions QB whom I remember vividly from my childhood as the quarteback who was on the Lions when I started following football.  As an ignorant child, I thought Hipple was pretty solid, and potentially awesome actually, but then just after the movie I went to his stats page on espn.com and found the following:   His career QB rating was 68.7.  His TD/INT ratio was 55/70.   My childhood is now shattered.  Here’s a picture of Hipple in action:

Turns out he was not the pre-Joe-Montana

Here is the wooby scene, featuring the actual poster prominently in the background:

On the other hand, the Lions are now doing well.  (PS: I’m bummed I couldn’t find a good video of the Rocky montage on youtube – that scene is awesome.)  Instead, I implore you to watch the video of this Bears punt return, one of the greatest trick plays of all time:

 http://www.nfl.com/videos/auto/09000d5d8228f7c4/The-punt-return-that-never-was

With that randomness out of the way, let’s get to the awards…

Weekly Awards

Game of the Week:

Mitchell’s Marauders (111.89) over The Brown Trout (104.69)

In truth there were two good contenders for game of the week this week.  I looked at Los Pescaderos vs. The Rat Pack as well but decided to go with this one because of the higher score and the fact that Little Buhr and Team Fwab seem to be the biggest magnets for trash talk each week.  Kind of an odd game here.  The Marauders weren’t really that impressive, relying heavily on defense and special teams (combined 32 points) and were in the tough situation of debating Romo and his Kevlar vest (“I’m Batman”) vs. Kolb and his complete lack of effectiveness.  They opted to go Kolb – to the tune of 12.53 points against Seattle – ouch.   Sadly it was the right call though, as Romo had just 7.6 points on the bench, even though in real life he gutted out the guttiest win ever gutted according to Jaws and Gruden.  Andre Johnson, Ray Rice, Dwayne Bowe, and Owen Daniels all did just enough to get the job done.  Even the great teams need to claw out a few un-sexy wins from time to time, and the Marauders did just that here.

For the Brown Trout, life remains difficult.  There was a nice game from Ryan Fitzpatrick (24.48 points), and Roddy White and Jermichael Finley certainly earned their paychecks, but everything else was fairly lackluster.  Of the remaining players, none scored over 7 points.  Little Buhr’s running back woes continue (only one double-digit RB performance (not on the bench) by the Trout this season, and that was Steven Jackson’s 10.67 points in Week 1), but his defense and kicker got handily outplayed which seems to be the ultimate difference.  If this game had swung the other way (say Little Buhr had actually started his best RB, Felix Jones), then it would be interesting how that would change the league dynamics and the power rankings (though in truth probably not at all at least this week).  Tough for Little Buhr to lose two straight games of the week.

Players of the Week:

Quarterback:

Drew Brees, 35.73 points, 31/44, 370 yards, 3 TD, 2 Int, -1 Rush Yard, 2 2-point conversions

The Brees Knees continues to deliver

Not one but TWO two-point conversions help seal the QB of the week award for Brees over Matt Schaub (32.32 points).   Brees has been humming along so far this season, second only to Tom Brady in terms of QB (and overall fantasy) scoring.   At least Commish is happy with one of his holdovers.

Running Back:

Darren McFadden, 31.22 points, 171 rush yards, 2 Rush TD, 3 receptions for 7 yards

Run DMC stiff-arms some poor white dude

Run DMC surprisingly gashed the Jets defense but good this week.    He currently leads the NFL in rushing and is second in fantasy RB scoring (Lesean McCoy leads).  He also leads the league in induced shame spirals for the Commish with his current point/dollar spent value is (70.85/$40=1.77) easily surpassing Adrian Peterson’s (52.74/$58=0.91), a situation the Commish continues to monitor closely each week, mostly from the fetal position.

Wide Receiver:

Wes Welker, 39.05 points, 19 rush yards, 16 receptions, 217 yards, 2 TD

Welker dominance continues

While I was thinking of what to say here for a few seconds, Welker caught two more passes.  He appears in this slot for the second time in just three weeks after exploding all over the Bills secondary like a Peter North money shot over some poor failed actress’s face.  His performance is without a doubt the key cog to the Canucks’ success at this point and his 16 receptions in a single game have only been bested 5 times in NFL history.  At his current pace, his end of season numbers would look approximately like this: 165 receptions, 2443 yards, 21 TDs.   Damn.

(Costacos Brother Poster of the Week)

The extremely intimidating Steve Largent

(Welker’s performance was so epic this week that I just had to go out and find another white receiver in poster form whom could represent not only Welker this week but the old days where white receivers seemed far more prominent and talented (I’m not talking about the pre-civil rights days, where everyone was white, but rather the period just 20-30 years ago).  The solution?  Steve Largent, whose 819 career receptions were tops in league history when he retired in 1989 (now he’s in 20th place).  What happened to the golden age of white receivers?  I’m talking about your Largent’s, your Collinsworth’s, your Steve Watson’s, etc, who dominated the early 1980’s.   Just look at these guys.  Seeing each one in action lets me cling to the concept that If my early 20’s had coincided with the early 1980’s, I might have been able to play wide receiver in the National Football League.)

Steve Largent - A random neighborhood dad made good...

Kind of in the Andre Johnson mold

Steve Watson - Basically a better athlete than Megatron

Tight End:

Jermichael Finley 27.17 points, 7 receptions for 85 yards, 3 TDs

Jermichael the Man-Beast

Narrowly edging out the Gronk and his 25.77 points, Finley finally lives up to his draft-day hype by putting up not one, not two, but three TDs in his aggravated assault against the Bears secondary.  Every time Finley is on the screen I find myself having difficulty imagining any single defender covering him.  Too big for corners and safeties, far too fast for linebackers, this guy’s a monster and should continue to produce.

Team of the Week:

Crazy Canucks, 150.60 points

The Canucks are firing on all cylinders these first three weeks, averaging 144 points to date and looking like world beaters, not to mention making an absolute mockery of the Commish’s Draft Grades in the process.  Commish wonders how long Coach Iwan can play the “Nobody believes in us!” card before its effect starts to wane.  The Canucks are no strangers to hot starts recently, going 4-0 in each of the past two seasons.  (And both times they ended up winning the Crown, right?)  I’m not sure I still trust them entirely, but these consistent performances can no longer be ignored, either here in the weekly awards or in the power rankings.

Coach of the Week:

Adam Spragg, Fightin’ Birdmen

With his back to the wall, Birdman came out strong and defied his critics this week, securing the blow-out win (52 point margin of victory) of the season to date over the GBP.  With his shiny new toy Cam Newton looking promising and anchored by Run DMC and Fitzgerald, Birdman has his Birdmen looking like they’re not quite ready to throw in the towel just yet.   If they can put a few wins together, we might be far from counting this team out.   Either way, Coach Birdman has done enough to climb out of the bottom of the cellar in the power rankings at the very least.

Goat of the Week:

Michael Vick, 7.67 points

I enjoyed seaching for a good photo for this...

Commish spent a while looking at multiple players on both the Rat Pack and Brown Trout squads this week to figure out who would be the official goat of the week.  There are several solid candidates, including Mike Tolbert (again!), Kenny Britt (-0.30 points – managed to fumble on the play he was injured on, ouch), and Frank Gore (just 0.50 points who also fumbled and was injured), but I decided on Vick because with all else being the same all he needed to put up was a measly 12.76 points against a horrid Giants secondary to supply the Rat Pack with a win.  Instead, he gets smacked around and then whines about it after the game.  Worse, Matthew Stafford must be seething behind him on the bench, where his 32 points went completely to waste.  By the way, Stafford is the third highest scoring player in fantasy football right now, and hasn’t seen a snap of ‘real’ fantasy action.  Sorry Mike, come get your horns.

Interdivision War

Enemies of the Crown – 3 wins

MI-6 – 0 Wins

The struggling MI-6 division has yet to pop the cherry (or show the Japanese Flag as my new favorite expression goes) on the win column yet, losing for the third time in as many weeks.  This week the hapless British Intelligence Agency (represented by the GBP) was shamed by the Birdmen who played the villain role perfectly.  These light skirmishes each week are about to end with full-on interdivision warfare comprising every game in weeks 4 and 5.

Birdman’s Win this week sponsored by:

"You see, Mr Bond, like all great artists I want to create one indisputable masterpiece: the death of 007. "

Francisco Scaramanga!  (The Villain from ‘The Man with the Golden Gun’)

Reading the character’s backstory (courtesy IMDB), it becomes all too clear that the similarities between Scaramanga and the Birdman are eerie.

(Francisco Scaramanga was a British national born in a travelling circus. His father was the ringmaster, a former Cuban national and his mother was the snake charmer. By age 10, he was part of the circus as a trick-shot pistol marksman. At age 15, he became an international assassin-for-hire. He was recruited some years later by the KGB while living in Ipanema, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, and trained in Eastern Europe where for many years he was basically just another “overworked and underpaid assassin” for the KGB. He quit the KGB in the late 1950s, becoming an independent hitman-for hire. No photographs of him exist, but he has unusual anatomy: a third nipple.)

Slap Chop Official Power Rankings

"Stop having boring tuna, stop having a boring life"


Last Week’s Ranks:

1)The Gang

2)Mitchell’s Marauders

3)Crazy Canucks

4)LT’s Crackheeds

5)The GBP

6)The Rat Pack

7)The Brown Trout

8)Los Pescaderos

9)Mormon Defenders

10)Fightin’ Birdmen

At this point in the season, Commish continues to favor points and potential over wins and losses when determining the power rankings, though the influence of each will slowly switch as the season progresses.  It seems every team is showing more chinks in its armor each week as injuries mount up and potentials are not fully realized (Chris Johnson, I’m looking in your direction). This week Commish will finally give the Canucks their do and put them at the top spot, if only to shut down the “nobody believes in us!” card they keep playing.  (Commish doesn’t anticipate the Canucks will last long there.)  I favor The Gang over the Marauders because Brady is better than Romo and that’s that, plus the Fwab is kinda/sorta feasting on easy wins in a crappier division.  The Crackheeds remain the most locked in at the fourth spot, with plenty above and plenty below – they seem consistent if nothing else.  After that, it’s a mess of 1-2 teams that are hard to sort out.  The Rat Pack’s injuries are starting to become a sick joke, but good QB play out of Stafford may keep them in the game long after they’re supposed to be done.  The GBP get a slight edge over the defending champs because the explosiveness of the WR corps is very hard to ignore, though Rivers has not played well at all yet.   I refuse to stop believing in the Brown Trout because they have too much talent and Fitzpatrick’s consistency thus far is promising.  Once they get their RB issues sorted out they should start picking up some wins and moving up the ranks.  It’s a crime to see a team with Megatron (on pace for 32 TD’s this season) stuck so low in the rankings but when he’s poorly coached what can you do?  Los Pescaderos need to hope that the all-Texans-all-the-time routine continues to have solid production.  The Birdmen finally move out of the bottom because they have some serious playmakers on their team who bring excitement to the table and the Defenders, with Chris Johnson still holding out and Big Ben not doing much, seem the most meh and drop the bottom, more or less by default.

Updated Power Rankings:

1)The Crazy Canucks (3-0)  Oh how we laughed at the Canucks horrible WR corps on draft day.  But guess what?  With Welker, Stevie Johnson, and now Maclin, they have not only the best scoring receiver in fantasy currently (Welker) but also 3 of the top 10.

2)The Gang (2-1) With Brady and McCoy the Gang are afforded some serious wiggle room to sort out some of their other issues.  The problem here is the WR corps, with Nicks struggling to stay healthy and Holmes, Boldin, Ford, and Floyd all seeming not very reliable.

3)Mitchell’s Marauders (3-0) Combined record of the teams the Marauders have played?  2-7.  Obviously their three wins account for some of that, but still Commish would like to see them have success against some better competition before moving them up further in the ranks.

4)LT’s Crackheeds (2-1) Forked over 27$ for a goose egg in Deion Branch last week – oh what a shrewd move by the Commish.  Wide Receiver hasn’t been a back-breaker yet for the Commish, but it always seems like a problem, with Bryant constantly nicked up and everyone else but Marshall streaky as hell.

5)The GBP (1-2)  Despite River’s slow start, Commish still believes he’ll be a fantasy stud before it’s done.  His schedule certainly doesn’t get any harder.  The WR corps is perhaps tops in the league, even with Austin injured it remains impressive – Wallace in particular looks like a beast.  I also suspect it will only be a few weeks before Ingram is an every down back for this squad – behind only Marion Barber.

6)The Rat Pack (1-2) Looks like we’ve found this year’s injury ravaged team, who just went and stole the title from the Birdmen in the past two weeks combined.  The biggest question is when will Eron unleash Matthew Stafford?   Is Eron too scared to start him because he knows it would guarantee injury?

7)The Brown Trout (0-3) Despite being winless the Brown Trout are still sixth in scoring and that’s counting their opening day stink bomb.  Without a few wins in coming weeks, however, it will be impossible for the Trout to maintain even this less-than-stellar rank.  The race is on between Little Buhr and Iwan to find out who can start their best two running backs just once in a week.

8)Los Pescaderos (1-2) Los Pescadeos are the only team yet to break 100 points after 3 weeks.  Commish still expects more from Schaub who’s only the 11th highest scoring QB so far.  (Shit, even ShitChad Henne has put up more points.)  When the Texans RB situation gets straightened, Commish foresees Los Pescas picking up the pace and getting back at least toward the middle of the pack.  The third WR spot remains a work in progress.   Until then, Megatron will gladly keep carrying this team on his back.

9)Fightin’ Birdmen (1-2) Out of the cellar and into ninth place.  Nothing too earth shattering, but at least it’s a start.  McFadden is out of this world right now, and there are some other dependable folk on this team.   Ryan Matthews in particular is looking like a player (6th best RB currently). The two biggest issues are Cam Newton’s consistency and Gate’s health.   Luckily Adam has loaded his team with Tight Ends (3 on the roster currently) just in case.

10)Mormon Defenders (1-2)  The Defenders still don’t seem horrible on paper.  But it feels like Chris Johnson is sucking the life out of this team.  Big Ben hasn’t done much and has no offensive line at all.  The WR’s have potential but are incredibly streaky.  Only MJD remains solid but even he is trapped on a bad team.  If there’s a bright side, it’s that Yo This Marques Baby Colston comes back this week, who’s presence should help the anemic TD numbers (only 9 for the whole team to date this season).

Final Word

If you missed the podcast post it should be immediately below this one.  Good luck to all teams this week.

Commish