Monthly Archives: November 2010

Commish Thoughts Week 11

Well the arrival of the in-laws for Thanksgiving combined with my own overbearing and hectic work schedule this weekend has proved deleterious to my ability to produce proper Commish Notes, or at least semi-proper Commish Thoughts.  Here we are, already firing up week 12 after the Thanksgiving games – it’s Saturday – and I’m left trying to slip away from said guests for a few minutes to get some thoughts out before the rest of the big Week 12 showdowns begin tomorrow.

I really don’t like the Thursday games honestly because they only add more football that I feel obligated to pay attention to in otherwise already busy week.  I will give Thanksgiving a pass, however, because that’s tradition dammit, and hence I don’t mind the Thanksgiving games.  But these one-hit Thursday games on NFL network starting a couple of weeks ago and going until the end of the season really annoy me.  We are stuck with them, though, and simply must make the best.  There are worse things in fact then “more football” on different nights.   Much worse things.

The real story this week is that the playoff picture continues to heat up.  In week 11, with just three games to go, the pivotal playoff shaping games included most notably the Brown Trout barely edging out the GBP as well as Los Pescaderos getting a crucial win and really ruining The Rat Pack’s chances.  The Crackheeds aka “Straight E-Hurt” (if Commish was smart he’d never change that name it was so good) got a huge win over the rival Canucks to push their hopes from “not great” to “possible”.  The Birdmen closed the division race with a win over the defenseless Jigiwatts and the Reigning Champ Mormon Defenders beat up on The Gang in what was likely the least important match of the week , playoff wise.

In the real NFL it wasn’t a good week to be a Manning.  Peyton played a solid game only to throw an awful pick at the end against the hated Patriots and Eli rallied his team around a depleted offense only to go absolutely honkey in the worst way possible.  What’s “going honkey” mean you ask?  Just watch the linked video of the play and phrase should no doubt explain itself.  (Critics suggested that Michael Vick edged Eli by a hair in the athleticism department when the two quarterbacks were compared.)

Yup it was Manning Face left and Manning Face right to end Week 11, which led me to discover again this sweet site, which I know many readers here may enjoy also – check it out:

Manningface.com

Week 11 – Enter the Double Manning Face


And just in case you missed it, the video of “going honkey” taken to a new level.

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-fantasy/09000d5d81c511ad/Eagles-defense-fumble-recovery?r_src=ramp

As a result of the aforementioned events in Week 11, my weekly post-game Giants wrap up call with Papa Stup was especially good this week.  I knew it would be good before –hand, so I actually started looking for “Record Conversation” apps on my phone (no joke).   Nothing panned out (mostly because I talk with him thru the Blue Tooth while driving) in terms of recording, but the conversation was simply awesome as expected.  My dad’s new favorite thing is to label Eli a grade-A “Panzee” and criticize his “complete lack of strength” (which is his explanation for the hideously uncoordinated fumble).    Some choice quotes:

“Mike – I’m telling you he has no StrENTH!”   (my dad uses the “Strenth” phrasing, minus the “g” for some reason.)

“He’s got no strength in his legs, his hands, or his arms.  He’ a panzee!”

“You ever see Eli Manning do a QB sneak!?  Me neither.  Because the coaches know he has no strength!”

“He’s an average quarterback getting paid like a superstar.  I think he’s terrible.”

And so on.  It’s hard to impart the proper tone with typed quotes, but believe you me it was priceless.

OK, time is short so let’s move on the MLOM Discussion.  Here’s our current playoff picture/power rankings.

In the Playoffs, for all intents and purposes (*)

1)Crazy Canucks (8-3) Still have a little work to do to lock up the division and the first round bye.  Commish wonders if the disappearance of Randy Moss, Ahmad Bradshaw’s fumbling issues, and the slowdown of LDT are starting to worry the Canuck.  They probably should.  A win against the Birdmen this week and the Canucks lock up the division and the bye.

2)Fightin’ Birdmen (7-4) The Birdmen continue to look strong even without a healthy Antonio Gates.   The emergence of Brandon Lloyd, Steve Johnson, and Dez Bryant are really making the Birdman look like some sort of King Midas this year.  Even Baltimore’s defense (a good “real life” defense and poor fantasy defense most of the season) blew up in Adam’s possession.  And don’t forget Carson Fuckface Palmer  (if Commish were the Owner of the Bengals I would pay Adam a million dollars per game to start that guy each week).  All in all, bye week or not, it’s starting to look like the Birdmen’s year more and more.

3)The Gang (7-4) Yikes, Hakeem Nicks is regrettably the latest in long line of critical injuries for PPR’s boys.  It started with Jermichael Finley, continued with Austin Collie and Tony Romo, and now Nicks.  It might be too much for the Gang to actually turn around at this point, but with a strong early season start and seven wins already, the Gang will still be in the mix come playoff time and you really can’t ask for more than a chance at this point in the season.  They still have an outside shot at the division title to boot.

In the Hunt:

4)Los Pescaderos (6-5) The MLOM points leader is primed to lock down a playoff spot with a win in either of the last two weeks.   And with the fast start on Thanksgiving (4 TD’s from the WR trio of Holmes, Megatron, and Welker), things are looking even more promising.  Time for Gabe to start focusing on his most important priority – winning that Pink Jersey bet.

5)The Brown Trout (6-5) Little Buhr did a lot to salvage his season with a close win over the struggling GBP.   Unfortunately the running back situation has gotten so bad in Brownsville that Little Buhr actually turned to Brandon Jacobs this week .  (Papa Stup will tell you what he thinks of that move.)   Win this week and Little Buhr can breathe a sigh of relief and start to focus on the a playoff run.  Lose this week and it will ALL come down a huge week 13 showdown against the Commish’s own *team to be named later*.  High drama here we come.

6)The GBP (6-5) Jonny G’s hemp-loving rag tag bunch are just 2-5 in the past seven weeks and have only scored over 100 points twice in that span (and just ONCE in the past six games).  Mendenhall and Wallace are certainly adequate, but once Dallas Clark went down the GBP were left essentially with little but the godlike Philip Rivers to do all the work for this team.  That in essence makes the GBP just like the Chargers, with the only difference being that the Chargers have been winning recently.

7)LT’s Crackheeds (5-6) The name keeps changing week to week but the story stays the same.  A talented but under-achieving roster struggling to make the playoffs.  Commish feels like Brees should have had about 30 more points on Thanksgiving but he can’t be too upset after a furious two-minute run at the end of that game.  If Commish can get by the Defenders this week the Heeds are actually in decent position with a huge week 13 match-up against the Brown Trout.   The only question remains what sort of team name can make Little Buhr go fetal?

Not Mathematically Out

8.The Rat Pack (4-7) Thought it seems unlikely, the Rat Pack have enough points to scare folks if they can win their last two games in convincing fashion and get to six wins.  As it sits now, they are well ahead of both the Brown Trout and the GBP in terms of total points and are easily within striking range of the Crackheeds as well and as we know in this league anything can happen.   Michael Vick certainly brings a new scary dimension to the Rat Pack and the roster, though underachieving this year, has the feel of a group that can suddenly activate any moment and drop 150 points on somebody (kind of like they did on some poor sap just two weeks ago.)

Spoiling the Party

9)1.21 Jigiwatts (3-8) The hits keep coming against the poor Jigiwatts, who are playing defense like the Houston Texans secondary right now.  They are absorbing a whopping average of 124.1 points per game against them, which is nearly a “blow up”  a week in Ledger of Feats terms.  That has to be a record.   Astoundingly, they’ve had 100 or more points scored against them in all but one game this season, and have had six 120-plus point games against them this year.  And they’re not even playing that bad, scoring over 100 points in their past seven games!   The Jigiwatts are proving that fantasy football is a harsh mistress indeed.  Also, their roster is loaded right now and Commish wouldn’t want to be playing them this week or any week.

10)Mormon Defenders (3-8) As bad as things are for the Crown Hangover Defenders right now, at least it’s not their worst season (a 2-win effort in 2006).  And unlike the other 3-8 team, the Defenders only have themselves to blame as they’ve put up more than 100 points just four times this season.  Despite the all world RB tandem of Light Blue Jesus and MJD, they just haven’t been able to get it going this year.  The Defenders seem to have the highest number of “good football players who aren’t good fantasy football players” on their roster.   Looking for their first winning streak of the season of this week, they can play the ultimate spoiler by burying the Crackheeds with a victory.

Seven Wins Good Enough?

Commish has always thought that seven wins was a guarantee to a playoff spot here in MLOM.  Historically it has always been, and essentially it still is.  BUT, in doing the math this week, Commish has hatched out a scenario where seven teams can have seven or more wins and thus one of those teams would miss the playoffs.  Here’s how it would have to happen:

Week 12:

-Crackheeds defeat Defenders

-Brown Trout Defeat 1.21 Jigiwatts

-GBP/Los Pescaeros game – Winner affects what must happen week 13

-Other games irrelevant

Week 13:

-Crackheeds defeat Brown Trout

-GBP defeats Rat Pack OR Los Pescas defeats 1.21 Jigiwatts (depending on week 12 outcome of GBP/Pescas game)

-Other games irrelevant

If these events happen, we will have 7 teams with 7 wins or more.  In fact, in one particular situation, we could have exactly FIVE teams with a 7-6 record and thus one of them would be hosed.

What are the odds of having more than six teams get to at least seven wins this season based on the above?

One in Thirty-Two or 3.125 percent.

But it COULD happen.

OK, that’s all I have time for this week.  Everyone enjoy the games and the playoff mix, whether you’re high on Mount Clinched, right in the mix, or spoilin’ for a spoilin’.   Next week hopefully we can do some more stat analysis, an update on the inter-division war (hint: Predators win) and get talking about what must happen to have our pink jersey bet come through.  Remember we ALL lose if Little Buhr and Gabe tie for season record – some games in week 13, might have to be, uh, finessed.  (On the flipside, imagine for a minute an identical record Brown Trout/Los Pescaderos Title game this season.  Best ever?  Best ever. )

Commish

Advertisements

Commish Thoughts Week 10

Commish Thoughts Week 10

 

I want to start a column like Matthew Berry.  No, I really do.

 

OK, I don’t really but I didn’t know how to open this week’s edition of “Commish Thoughts” so I figured I’d go with a Matthew Berry parody.  Have you ever noticed that every one of that guy’s dumb columns starts with a single or double sentence “sassy” paragraph, like the one above?  I call it high school writing 101, and though I’m no writer, it drives me ape every time I see it.  He uses the gimmick over and over again.

 

Check out the list below of his most recent openings.  Keep in mind these are his full and complete opening paragraphs.   (I just looked back at his last 10 columns or more.  With the exception of two columns, where he actually opened with a normal multi-sentence paragraph, these were his actual opening paragraphs.  He does two columns a week.   One about waiver wire pick-ups, the other about love/hate.  Don’t read them like I always seem to.  They’re really a waste of time.  Unless you’re Little Buhr and you are on his jock.)

 

Here are they are:

 

“I was shocked. And not for the reasons you think.”

“Sunday night’s Green Bay-Dallas game marked a number of events.”

“I get e-mail.”

“I’m jealous.”   (Bonus: The second paragraph was also a single sentence:  “I’m insanely jealous.”)

“How do I do a Halloween fantasy football column that isn’t totally hacky?”

“I had to bump you.”

“Why?”

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

“Really? Realllly?!”

“I quickly understood why.”

“Not impossible.”

“I’m not gonna lie. I was nervous.”

 

And there you have it.  Matthew “Kurt Vonnegut” Berry.  That guy drives me nuts for some reason.  It’s not his content so much, it’s his tone and attitude.  I can’t handle it. He seems so LA to me.  I love it when deadspin posts pictures of him picking up on chicks at bars.  I really can’t believe Little Buhr is so enamored with him.

 

OK, with that out of the way, let’s move on to week 10.

How about that NFL?  As much as I’ve come to hate fantasy football this year, I must say I enjoy just watching football.  I’m just a football fan, eh Iwan?  I hate the Eagles, but even I had wide eyes as Michael Vick went all Tecmo Bowl Randal Cunningham against a real NFL team last Monday.  That first pass to DeSean Jackson, which traveled 65 yards in the air by my (unofficial) count, was a sight to behold.   It was fun to watch, all right.  Now let’s all collectively hope the Eagles resume sucking.

Sorry Mike Shanahan, you’ve been pwnyo’d

 

 

Iwan also brought to my attention this weekend that Peyton Hillis, who is awesome, has one of the best nicknames ever.  We’re talking “Megatron” level nickname here.  I present to you, the Juggernaut.

 

Peyton Hillis will be giving the X-Men fits no doubt

 

 

OK, onto the league.  Here in MLOM, we’re ten games down and have just three games to go.  The playoff picture is slowly beginning to coalesce.  A few teams can breathe easy as they’ve already staked their claim in the MLOM 2010 playoff picture.  Other teams are starting to sweat as their chances grow increasingly dim.  Let’s take a look.   Keep in mind that 7-win teams are essentially in no matter what and six win teams come down to points.   In fact, since we went to the six team playoff format, here are the number of six-win teams followed by the number of six-win teams  that made the playoffs:

2006 – 3/2

2006 – 2/0

2007 – 3/1

2008 – 2/1

2009 – 2/1

 

Summary:  Four of twelve 6-win teams have made the playoffs, meaning that if you get to six wins you have to be solid in points for the tie-breaker.  Also of note, 100% of 7-win teams have made the playoffs in all years of MLOM.  OK, onto the playoff picture.

 

 

Officially In the playoffs:

Canucks (8-2): A loss this week (during the Rodgers bye week) but still 8-2 and in the driver’s seat to get the coveted first round bye.  After an 11.13 point performance, it doesn’t look like Fitzpatrick (“Oh, HARVARD?!” *giant whack-off motions*) will be taking over the starting QB position for the Canucks any time soon.

The Gang (7-3): May not have the official Yahoo asterisk marking the playoff formality but it’s essentially impossible to get 7 or more wins and miss the playoffs in our current format.  A big kudos to PPR for getting his team back to the dance after two miserable years at the bottom of the league.

 

On the bubble:

Six wins is good enough if you have the points come tie-breaker time.  Most of our teams currently with six wins will get in.  Though that said, you have to go back to 2006 to find a season where a 6-4 team didn’t manage to miss the playoffs.  (It happened with the 2007 Defenders, 2008 Birdmen, and 2009 Canucks).   Any six win team needs just one more win with three games left to clinch a spot.

Birdmen: (6-4): Six wins and being second overall in points at this juncture all but assures the Birdmen of a playoff spot.  That said, we all remember the 2007 Defenders who were 6-1 before dropping 6 straight and missing the playoffs, and so nothing is certain until that seventh win appears.  Still, Birdmen are as close to a lock as there is without actually having seven wins.  Next three games:  Jigiwatts, Canucks, Gang.  Not a cake-walk by any stretch, but Commish is confident Birdmen will get in.  The bigger question might be if they can take the division or not – a big game against the Canucks in two weeks could prove huge.

The GBP (6-4). Despite having the second least point total the GBP are primed to slide into the playoffs and make a run.  Playing in the softer division doesn’t hurt.  Next 3 games:  Brown Trout, Los Pescas, Rat Pack.  Just need to win one, and shockingly Jonny G’s boys are in pole position to get the Alien’s bye week.

 

Almost there:

These 5-win teams need to win two games outright, win one and have the points, or hope teams below them keep losing.  Odds are at least one of these guys stumbles in.  But odds are one of these guys misses out.  Plus both of these teams are involved in the best bet of all time.  Commish is going to be pissed if they tie.  Really pissed.   (Might need to throw that week 13 game against the Brown Trout.  This season may go down in flames for the Crackheeds, but Commish will be damned if he doesn’t see a Buhr brother in a pink jersey next season.)

Los Pescaderos (5-5). Top scoring team is in good position.  With just a single win they are a lock if they can go 2-1 over this last stretch.  Favorable schedule going forward means things are looking up for Los Pescas despite subpar play from Matt Schaub as of late.

Die Braun Forelle (5-5). The Brown Vaginas are right in the mix.  Point output is just seventh best in the league, which doesn’t help, and the remaining schedule (GBP, Jigiwatts, Crackheeds) promises to dramatically affect the MLOM playoff picture.  Commish can’t wait to have Los Pescas rooting with all four nipples for the Crackheeds in week 13.

On the outside looking in:

These teams can guarantee a spot only by winning all three remaining games outright or by winning two AND getting some help.  Commish is willing to bet that one of these teams climbs in and one is left out in the cold.

LT’s Crackheeds (4-6): What else can happen to these guys?  Commish has a feeling it’s just not their year.  But they can still take a crack, and last year they came from exactly this same record and won two of their last three and crawled into the playoffs – and actually a won in the first round!  The week 13 match-up against The Brown Vaginas will be huge on many levels.

The Rat Pack (4-6): Wow, if Michael Vick can keep up his current rate of production, the Rat Pack may pull a modern version of the 2003 Rat Pack, crawl into the playoffs, and straight win the Crown (and possibly prompt a four-team playoff system come next season – you see there’s no limit to the amount of Eryn Roston Rules we can make in this league).

Just a fool’s hope:

1.21 Jigiwatts (3-7): Need to win three straight and keep their fingers crossed.  Schedule includes Birdmen,  Los Pescaderos, and The Brown Vaginas.  Even if they don’t get in they will affect the playoffs dramatically.  Pity the Jigiwatts who have missed the playoffs for two straight years already and hold the “Points Against” title currently by more than 80 points over the next closest team.  (The locked up that title last season as well.)

Out of the Race:

Mormon Defenders (2-8). Unfortunately even if they win three there’s just no chance for the Defending Champs.  On the bright side, Norm can look at his nice trophy for several more weeks and at least hope to play spoiler.  Truth is it’s just tough to win back to back Crowns.  Only one, supremely legendary, incredibly ahead-of-it’s-time franchise has ever done it.  Only one.

 

One last thing

 

Since all the bye weeks are now complete, I wanted to look back at the auction draft and see about any trends in bidding, dollar amounts, points scored, and value.  This week, I looked at the quarterback position.

Points  = Total points this season (rounded to an integer)

Bid = Dollar amount bid at the draft

Points/Dollar = Basically equals points per dollar bid.

The players are listed from most points to fewest.  From Rivers to Schaub are your top 13 scoring QB’s so far this year.  I threw in some others (Henne and afterwards) for good measure, and mostly because they were drafted.  Honestly, I have no idea how to interpret the data yet.  If you’re looking at draft value, well then Orton and Eli Manning are clearly the cream of the crop.  Oh, and don’t forget about Joe Montana 2.0, I mean Carson Palmer, who scored 40 of his 170 total points in one game, where he only had 4 points at halftime as well, only Commish forgets what game that was.  Apparently he’s valuable too.  On the other side the LEAST valuable QB in the league is Drew Brees, earning just a 4 point/dollar value.  Not sure what lessons there are to draw from this, but feel free to take a gander and see what you think.  Looking at it quickly Commish suspects there needs to be a different formula to figure out the true value of points versus cost for the QB position.  Hmm, perhaps in time we can figure out something. Hopefully in time the other positions can be analyzed as well.  Here’s the list:

 

 

Player Points Bid Points/Dollar
Rivers 226 17 13
Orton 214 1 214
P. Manning 209 27 7
Brees 201 43 4
Rodgers 200 28 7
Brady 193 25 7
E. Manning 182 1 182
Ryan 181 2 90
Vick 180 n/a N/a
Palmer 171 1 171
Cassel 166 n/a n/a
Flacco 163 16 10
Schaub 155 26 5
Henne 121 5 24
Favre 88 7 12
Cutler 129 5 25
Kolb 71 10 7
Mcnabb 128 1 128

 

That’s all this week.  Wanted to knock something out before the weekend.

 

 

Good luck this week.

 

Commish


Mid Season Report, 2010

Don’t look now, but just one week after my worst fantasy defeat of all time, I quite surprisingly was inspired (it must be Lee Evans) and thought I’d spend some time putting together a mid-season report.  Yes, we’re technically eight thirteenths of the way through the season, but that’s mid-season enough.  And since after the actual mid-season (immediately following week 7) Commish was still too fetal to type, I thought this would be a more appropriate week.  And so here we are, now eight weeks in, and it’s about time we sit down and take a look at this thing.

What we have so far in my estimation is yet another scattered season.  After the first six games, especially, the league seemed to be separating into the haves and the have nots.   At least four of the teams (Gang, Pescas, Canucks, GBP) seemed to be ascending towards greatness, while four other teams were spiraling into the bowels of fantasy shame (Crackheeds, Jigiwatts, Rat Pack, and Mormon Defenders). The two remaining teams (Birdmen, Brown Trout) were up and down and basically seemed about as vanilla as the average Dave Matthews Band song.

But then things stated to shift.   Of the teams that started out strong, only the Canucks seemed to remain that way now eight weeks in, even though star player and holdover Randy Moss is on his third team and starting RBs Joseph Addai and Pierre Thomas are injured.   The Gang startedvery  strong (hell they’ve already equaled their last two seasons combined in wins) on the back of the incendiary Hakeem Nicks but in recent weeks have lost their starting quarterback and star tight end and all of a sudden seem very pedestrian.  The GBP started out 4-0 only to drop the next 4 and find themselves reeling in fivehundredville, and looking lost.  It seems that despite the spectacular play of Phillip Rivers they cannot overcome the fact that they have only 1.5 starting receivers on their team.  Los Pescaderos started out huge at 3-1 and are leading the points category but they suddenly dropped three straight before staging a nice come-from-behind win against their season-long nemesis The Brown Trout last week.  The two early season vanilla specials (Birdmen, Brown Trout) have come on strong and started to stake a claim of their own in their respective division races.  Of the losers, well, most of those teams are still losers, though Commish’s own Heeds, through the power of (and I firmly believe this) Lee Fucking Evans, have started to show signs of life despite suffering the worst fantasy defeat in the history of fantasy sports in week 7 (not an exaggeration and more later).

In summary, the league as always remains in a fairly consistent flux.  One playoff spot is already fixed (Canucks) and over the next five weeks the next five playoff spots will be determined.  And, you can most assuredly bet that at the end of it all everyone will be a lot more stressed and not all that happy, no matter the outcome.  And THAT, friends and colleagues, is just the nature of fantasy football – the ultimate lesson in self loathing.

Inter-Division War:

Predators 10, Aliens 6

Due to a lack of participation, primarily by the Commish, this season’s division themes haven’t really hammered home in any resounding fashion.  Part of it is the lack of Commish notes of course, and part of it is the fact that Justin has admittedly never seen Aliens (a travesty).  Either way it’s sad.  With multiple predator movies, multiple Aliens movies, and multiple Aliens vs. Predators movies, this really should have been a fun one.  Remember when we went to see Predators last summer and picked characters and Iwan was the Mexican guy who was killed first, his body a booby trap who could only utter the words “Help Me” as he clung to life?  Ah, those were good times.    Wait, where was I?  Oh yes, the inter-division war.  We’ve done two of our four slated head-to-head inter-division weeks and the Predators division is riding high with a 4-game advantage.  Last year the former X-Men, now Aliens division dominated in inter-league play and Commish can tell that the Predators are out for a little payback.

Record Book Notables:   (To date)

-Strength of Schedule

-1.21 Jigiwatts are suffering an average 124 points against each week.  Damn it’s tough to win when you face that kind of onslaught.  Where’s the defense?

-Easiest strength of schedule?  The Gang, facing an average of just 90 points a week.  (To put that in perspective, if the Crackheeds had just 90 points scored on them each week this season, they’d be 7-1.  I will now head-butt the desk for ten straight minutes.)

-Kicking Points.  What do they mean?  According to the record book, not much.  Little Buhr’s “Die Braune Forell”  (which is German for “The Brown Vagina”, hey that gives me an idea for his eventual bachelor party) have scored the most in the kicking game, averaging 9.5 points a week.  On the flip side, there’s Fwats 1.21 Jigiwatts (which is French for “121 points against each week”), who’s team has put up the least kicking points and is averaging just 6.62 points per week.  The difference?  A whopping 3 points a week.  The lesson is;  Never spend 19 dollars on your fantasy kicker at an auction.

-Defensive Points seem to be a bigger deal.  The difference between the largest (Rat Pack, averaging 14.12 points per game) and the smallest (LT’s Heeds, 6.5 points per game) is about 8 points and seems much more significant.

-Your season total touchdown leader is Los Pescaderos (45 total).  The lowest number belongs to the Defenders (just 29).

-In terms of total yards per position, let’s take a look at the numbers:

-Passing Yards:  Most, The GBP, 331 yards per game courtesy of Phillip River’s monster passing season;   Least, The Rat Pack (206 yards per game) courtesy of injuries and QB by committee.

-Rushing Yards: Most, Los Pescaderos, 201.37 per game, courtesy of Arian “Atheist’s Nightmare” Foster’s monster season, Least: The Brown Vagina, with just 101.7 yard per game, courtesy of paying a combined 65 dollars for both Ryan Grant and Shonn Greene and generally being RB kryptonite.

-Receiving Yards: Most, The Brown Trout, 317.7 per game, courtesy of Little Buhr placing a huge emphasis on WR at the draft (Roddy White, Brandon Marshall, Dwayne Bowe, Maclin, combined cost 81 bucks);  Worst, The GGP 224 yards per game, courtesy of the worst WR draft in the history of MLOM (26 total dollars spent on WR, and Dallas Clark (20 dollars), the best actual receiver on the team, going down with an injury).

Player Stats:  Things that amused and surprised me about scanning the stats after eight weeks…

-The top QB’s in order, with points, that make up the top tier:  (Rivers 192, Manning 189, Brees 180, Orton 177, and Rodgers 164).   After that, next best is Carson FUCKFACE Palmer at 133 points and then it’s downhill from there.   Again, fuck Carson Palmer.   Never has a worse real life player had as good a fantasy season as this piece of shit.

-The top five RB’s in order, with points:  (Foster, Peterson, Gore, Johnson, and McFadden), at (148, 133, 132, 131, and 128 points, respectively).   Surprises after that?  Peyton Hillis is number 8 on that list at 101 points.

-The top five WR’s in order, with points: (Lloyd, White, Nicks, Megatron, Harvin) at (118, 117, 114, 111, 104) points respectively.  Surprises after that?  Two of the top ten (Collie, Britt) are currently free agents.  Andre Johnson and Reggie Wayne are currently out of the top 10.  Steve Johnson, Santana Moss (!), and Danny Amendola are currently 14th, 16th, and 17th, respectively.   How about Brandon Fucking LLoyd being the top scoring receiver currently?  That’s wild.

-The top five TE’s in order, with points: (Gates, Miller, Davis, Lewis, Keller), (127, 74, 74, 73, 71).   Antonio Gates is a beast.  An absolute beast.  And rumor has it he used to play basketball…

Season Highlights:   Defining Moments of the 2010 NFL and MLOM Season

Here are some things I thought have made this fantasy (and NFL) season stand out to me, your Commish.

The Pink Jersey Bet:

Hat’s off to the Buhr brothers who have taken the concepts of MLOM season betting to the next level.  Again, the loser of this bet has to wear a pink jersey of the winner’s choosing to the draft next year and also to Player’s Sports Bar for week one.  It’s great on so many levels.  The decision process for which jersey to pick has to be the most intriguing part of all.  Commish prays it stays close until the end, but not TOO close of course; remember the caveat that if the teams tie then the bet is off.  That would be a horrible.  Here’s a sample of what we might be in store for:

This is gonna rock.

The Auction Draft:

Man that was sweet.  Commish has to be honest.  With his dumb work schedule the morning of the draft and the stress involved there, and also the lack of an after-party, as well as two far-away participants, the 2010 Best Day Ever won’t go down as Commish’s favorite or even close.  That said, the draft itself, THE  AUCTION, was a site to behold and was simply awesome, one of those seminal moments in MLOM where there’s no going back (similar to the creation of divisions, the move to six playoff teams only, the Sunday to Tuesday waivers idea, and all the other “Eryn Roston Rules”.)  Did we really used to do snake drafts?  Ah, those days were cute.  The auction is on now, and it’s never stopping.  Such a great move – thanks to all who pushed for it.

Speaking of the draft, here’s a quick take at the biggest steals and busts of the draft  (injured players excluded):

Biggest Steals:  Antonio Gates – $16, Terrell Owens-$9, Percy Harvin-$15, Hines Ward-$4, Arian Foster-$22, Jeremy Maclin-$11, Santana Moss-$5, Pitt Defense -$2, Hakeem Nicks-$13, Orton-$1, Palmer-$1 (the best one goddam dollar ever fucking spent in the history of the fucking league), Austin Collie -$1, McFadden-$4, Ahmad Bradshaw -$10

Biggest Busts: Ryan Matthews-$57, Steve Smith (CAR) – $25, Deangelo Williams -$32, Shonn Greene -$31, Cedric Benson $37, Jonathan Stewart -$21,  Crabtree -$16, Prater -$19

-There are definitely more candidates on both sides, but that’s who stands out to me at first glance.

Shanahan Calls McNabb “McFlabb”

Imagine my surprise watching the Redskins/Lions game last weekend.  The Skins are down by 6 with 1:40 left and two timeouts.  They get the ball back, come to the line, and wait, is that Rex Grossman in the game?!  Yes.  Yes it is.  Cut away to pouty McFlabb standing on the sidelines in disbelief.  Cut back to the field.  On the first snap, Rex Grossman drops back to pass, is promptly crushed my multiple defenders, fumbles, and the Lions return it for a touchdown.  Game over.  Later that week the rat-faced Shanahan calls out McNabb’s knowledge of the two-minute drill and cardiovascular conditioning all in one fell swoop.   Man, that’s good stuff.  Though he needs a better PR person to break the news.  My suggestion:  Craig Vittitoe.

Press:  “Craig, why did coach pull McNabb?  He must have thought he played a terrible game.”

Craig: “No, that’s not true.  That’s not true at all.  Coach felt that McNabb played a very good game – a very strong game.  But the enemy of any sport is fatigue, you see, and in the end McNabb….”

That would have been awesome.

The Fall of the Cowboys

This has been a blast to watch.  When does Jerry Jones have to give back his pre-season Lombardi trophy?  That will be sweet.  I never root for injury, and so I’m actually bummed Romo (even) got hurt.  But otherwise I’ve loved every minute of the Dallas collapse.

The worst loss in the history of fantasy football.

And now for a personal moment.  It came down to a 4th and 1 in garbage time of a Monday Night Football game long over – a game which featured which featured by beloved G-Men pounding Dallas no less.  Fourth and one, under a minute left.  Kitna passes to Dez Bryant, who takes it fifteen yards and puts up his third touchdown of the night.  Despite this, the score STILL favors the Crackheeds.   Until the extra point.  Then the defense loses five more points and it all goes to hell.  Game over.  Season over.  Life over.  It’s still too painful to talk about.  My worst defeat ever.  Picture me staring at a screen which reads “Delete entire fantasy league, are you sure?   Yes/No”   It was very close to being yes.  Very close.  I may one day forget all the details of the 2010 season, but I will never forget that loss, and as result of the way I felt  I will never take fantasy football as seriously again.  (Which honestly, is probably a good thing.)

Mid Season Awards

Team of the Season Thus Far:    Crazy Canucks. 7-1 despite significant injuries (Addai, Pierre Thomas, DeSean Jackson), and the Moss drama.  Despite a significant amount of flux, the Canucks have managed smoothly and put up 100 plus points in all but two games.

Coach of the Season Thus Far:   Iwan Thomas.  For all the reasons above, Iwan has managed the Canucks previously and it hasn’t been autopilot either.

(Runner up:  Papa Roston.  Great use of the auction format to launch a significant turnaround.  Hats off to PPR.)

Player of the Season Thus Far:

Tie:  1)Phillip Rivers and 2)Antonio Gates.   These two guys have been monsters.  Rivers is putting up insane yardage numbers and Gates is a lock for a touchdown every single week and is just destroying his TE competition.

Game of the Season Thus Far:   Week 7, Fightin’ Birdmen 130.97 over LT’s Crackheeds 126.84

For all the reasons above.  The ultimate in improbable Monday Night Madness.  The losing manager hanging on every play.  The winning manager starting Carson Palmer and not giving a shit.  A 40+ point running back on the bench.  The ultimate proof that Fantasy Football is probably a giant waste of time and certainly way more stress than fun almost every time.  The psychological beat down caused a lack of sleep and a fundamental change in attitude and philosophy of the losing coach, not to mention a presumed permanent team name change (to be determined).  This game had everything.  And hell, it was also a big divisional game and Commish it may springboard the Birdmen to bigger and better things.  Until the devil comes calling to collect his end of the bargain, of course.

Goat of the Season thus far:

Again, discounting injuries this award has to go to Ryan Matthews. (I guess the Bolts are sweeping all the awards).   57 dollars. 45.51 points to date.  You do the math.

-Standings Analysis:

Current Standings:

  1. Crazy Canucks
  2. The Brown Trout
  3. Birdmen
  4. The Gang
  5. Los Pescaderos
  6. The GBP
  7. Crackheeds
  8. The Rat Pack
  9. 1.21 Jigiwats
  10. Mormon Defenders

If this was a points-based league, the current standings would be:

  1. Los Pescaderos
  2. The Birdmen
  3. Crazy Canucks
  4. LT’ Crackheeds
  5. The Gang
  6. 1.21 Jigiwatts
  7. The Rat Pack
  8. The Brown Trout
  9. The GBP
  10. Mormon Defenders

Look at the differences there.  The only team that would be the same based on either ranking would be Norm’s poor Mormon Defenders.   That’s a tough Tin Foil hangover for a team that doesn’t even drink.  At least they can cling desperately to 2009 glory.  Just don’t forget to have that trophy polished come worst day ever, Norm.

Slap Chop ™ Power Rankings


So using these two lists, and a little Commish sass, let’s formulate some power rankings.  After eight weeks, here we go:

Top Tier:

1.  Canucks   (Top record, good enough in points.  Playoff spot locked up.  Aaron Rodgers is Crown material, and despite the Randy Moss shuffle as well as Pierre Thomas, Joseph Addai and DeSean Jackson injuries, the Canucks have a good enough roster to maneuver and make a strong run deep into the playoffs.  Easily the favorite currently.  And how about the Ahmad Bradshaw?  Such a great pick up at the draft.)

2.  Birdmen  (With Manning (Peyton, not Eli, for anyone that’s confused) playing at the top of his game, all things are possible, including of course the Crown.  The Birdmen are very solid and they have Gates, who has nearly doubled – that’s right fucking DOUBLED – the next best tight end’s scoring output (see above).  If they can lock down a solid second RB then they can be a scary team come playoff time.   Commish likes the direction the Birdmen are heading.  Also the Birdmen have clearly sold their soul to the devil, putting up 130 points during the Manning/Wayne bye week, using primarily Carson Fucking Palmer and his 34 point second goddam half.  Enjoy it now, Birdmen, because the devil always gets the last laugh.

    Middle Tier:

    3.  Los Pescaderos (Started out like gang busters and the huge point totals (tops in the league) will come in handy come playoff seeding time.  Megatron is heating up and Foster and Gore have been hot all season.  Problem areas include Schaub quietly underperforming in many games this year and an otherwise quiet WR corps after Megatron.  The Pittsburgh Defense has been monstrous, however, and is intimidating on its own.)

    4. The Brown Trout (Tough to get a solid read on this team.  They rattled off a five-game win streakmid-season after an 0-2 start before a dropping a close one this week.  They sit atop the Aliens division but don’t have many points.  They are absolutely stacked at WR but the RB spot is a disaster and Commish is unsure if Flacco has what it takes down the stretch to get a title.)

    5.  The Gang (Would have been several spots higher if not for crippling injuries to Romo and Jermichael Finley.    Hakeem Nicks has been a stud, and McCoy and Boldin have been steady producers.  Unfortunately the injuries may be too much to overcome.  Still, a nice turnaround for a team that was better known as the league’s punching bag the past couple of seasons.)

    6.  The GBP (Rivers is playing out of his mind and that might be enough come playoff time.  Mendenhall is the only other star on this team, and WR corps is very underwhelming as even Mike Wallace cannot be counted on week to week.  Need to score more points with Crackheeds breathing down their necks.)

    7.  LT’s Crackheeds (Nothing really wrong with the roster, and this might be the year that “The Raider Strategy” pays off with Bobby Miller and Bobby McFadden providing some nice outputs (it’s even better when you start them!).  The problem for the Heeds is that they just can’t seem to find a way to win games they should; three of their five losses are by six points or less.  And how will they bounce back after suffering the worst fantasy defeat of all time?  Might be too much to overcome.  Bring on the bear-themed team name already.)

              Bottom Tier:

              8.  1.21 Jigiwatts (Another season, another high output, low win team from Fwat’s boys.  Not sure why everyone brings their A-game every week to play against Fwats, but it just keeps happening.  And how does Ray Rice only have two touchdowns this year?  He has been quietly disappointing.  The ‘Watts have three “Hundred-Plus” losses (meaning they scored over 100 points and still lost), easily tops in the league.  Let’s call it the curse of Brady’s hair.   (“How would you like your sirloin sir?  Bloody.”)

              9.  The Rat Pack (Turns out moving to London probably isn’t the best strategy for coaching up a proper fantasy team, even though when Commish moved to Europe he won a title in his first year there – must be a mainland thing.  The story here has mostly been the QB carousel stemming from poor play and more importantly injuries.  Still not sure how much the decision to ditch Schaub as a holdover at the draft will affect the overall standings, but for now it still seems like the wrong move.  Also there will be another candlelight vigil this evening for missing WR Larry Fitzgerald.  We’re all praying for you Larry.)

              10. Mormon Defenders  (The starting RB tandem remains solid though unspectacular this season and every other position is rife with mediocrity.  Santana Moss has been a nice surprise, but not nice enough.  At least Norm gets to look at the trophy everyday for a little while longer.)

                    Good luck to all the teams,

                    Commish