Monthly Archives: September 2010

Commish Thoughts Week 2

Week 2. What it do? What it do, indeed. (Look, I know no one here needs help with that reference, but I can’t help myself. Here’s the link, again. Try not to watch it. I dare you.)

Ah, now that we’re done “reading the defense”, we can move on (also few running backs can pick up -the blitz – in fucking hyperspace – like LT. Nice work that guy.)

Week Two is in the books! We’ve got four teams that are 2-0, four teams that are 0-2, and two teams sitting at .500. The lesson is that we officially know nothing yet about this young season. NOTHING!

The first order of business this week is for Commish to eat some crow. (Mmm, tasty crow, you hear that Birdman?!) I spent my last post talking about the sheer mediocrity of Los Pescaderos. Since then, they’ve set out to prove me wrong and hell they’ve really done it. They’ve popped off a 2-0 record in such a dominating fashion that they’ve essentially convinced the rest of the league that anal penetration is fair game on the first date as long as it’s quick. Arian “The Atheist’s Nightmare” Foster is predictably on a roll (Commish called that on draft day), Schaub seems bound for numbers-based glory again (everyone called that), and even the picks Commish was hesitant about (Welker, Gore) are slapping their own ass and making horsey-ride motions like drunken frat boys about to hit up a strip club. This whole team is going off. So congrats, Gabe Buhr, you are the coach of the first two weeks, if such an award actually existed. I for one, pay homage, to all four of your nipples.

Here’s some other things I enjoyed about week 2, fantasy or otherwise:

-LT’s Crackheeds are 0-2. As I was explaining to some on Tuesday night, this has been the least bummed I’ve ever been about a 0-2 start. Normally this sort of catastrophic beginning would be the grounds for a world-class shame spiral for your Commish. These notes would be shut down. I would be unreachable by phone or email, and even in person I might talk or look in your direction. But this season? No such spiral. The reason? Well, it’s two-fold. For one, I still like my team and I’m going to be patient. We’ll have our weeks, and we’ll get our wins. Will we be the best team? Probably not, but if I were another team in the league I wouldn’t look forward to playing us. Second, and perhaps more importantly, I have a new dog. She rocks. She’s really de-stressed me in terms of fantasy. We were hanging out on Monday night, for example. Normally I’d be frothing at the mouth, hoping against hell I’d win that game and wishing Iwan a slow death for daring to have a substantial lead on me going in. But last Monday? I just petted my pooch and watched the game. Yeah we lost, but there’s next week I realized. I petted my pooch some more. Now if only the dog could defuse my Giants-based shame spiral, we might be in business. Might need a second dog for that. Or a full pack. (Actually, what am I talking about? The Giants didn’t even play last week. They’re still 1-0. Let’s move on.)

-Started looking through the record book this week. Here’s some fun things I found in there coupled with some other general comments:

-Los Pescaderos average margin of victory is currently 56.12 points, way tops in the league.

-LT’s Crackheeds average margin of defeat is 7.90 points, lowest in the league. (See? Looking on the bright side. )

-The Brown Trout scored ZERO touchdowns in week 1. Javhid “BEAST” was on the bench that game. While he was busy racking up 17 unscored points, Shonn Greene and Ryan Grant were busy putting up a combined 3.35 points for the Brown Trout that week. I find this hilarious for some reason. Little Buhr is truly running back kryptonite.

-I thought Jonny G had the worst draft of anyone. His team is 2-0, he’s in third overall place and fourth overall place in points. The lesson is, I don’t know a damn thing.

-Through two weeks every team has topped 100 points at least once – except the Brown Trout. Could they lose their overall point leader status for the entire league this season? Commish is betting yes.

-All the games were at least fairly close this week, with the exception of the beat down that Los Pescaderos put on 1.21 Jigiwatts. The point differential in that game was over 46 points. The sad thing? 1.21 Jigiwatts were the second highest scoring team this week. Ouch. Commish feels like this is the third season in a row where Fwat’s boys are the victims of high-scoring losses.

-The Birdmen currently hold the record for lowest team rushing yards (week 1) and lowest team receiving yards (week 2). Yet somehow they are 1-1. Fantasy football folks. Let us now bash our heads against tables.

Recap of Football Watching Action at my house – week 2. We had Birdman at my house early followed by Little Buhr and Iwan late. The running joke of this week had to do with every “Bobby”. For those not here, or those not in the know, the name Bobby is back, and it’s back big time. It started with the resurgence of Bob Stevens himself into our lives. Since then, Bobby has been out of control. To keep it short, here’s the reference chain. Try and follow along. Bob Stevens, aka Bobby Stevens, aka “Real Mature Bobby”, aka “Every-body” equates to “Every BOBBY!” during Eryn’s bachelor party (courtesy of the “Shots” song by LMAO). Somehow that evolved into every Robert in the NFL being called Bobby (aka “Bobby” Bironas) at the draft –and somehow that evolved into every player playing well in the NFL becoming a Bobby, as if the name itself is so sweet it warrants a player’s sweet play be rewarded by deeming that player, simply “Bobby Last Name”. Did you see that one-handed catch by “Bobby” Moss? Did you see that sweet run by “Bobby” Best? Did you see the horrible performance by “Joe” Flacco? You get the idea. It’s funny all right – funny every time. It’s got legs and it hasn’t gotten old. And it won’t.

-Alright, we’re winding down here for week 2. Before I get to the inter-division war, I think I’ll steal a few things and post them up for your amusement.

You know how Tom Brady got in a car crash last week? I thought The Onion nailed it:

Unscathed Tom Brady walks away from car crash in slow motion

-In case Tom Brady hasn’t been made fun of enough, look at this – I mean just LOOK at it. Jesus. It’s like Tom Brady is auditioning to be a Hans Gruber henchman.

More on Arian “The Atheist’s Nightmare” Foster, again courtesy the onion.

Inter-Division War. It’s Predators 2, Aliens 0 folks. But that’s just what you expect from the Crown-Owning Division. (Again, the record is 8-3. Ouch, lesser division. Ouch.)

-Updated Tier-Based Power Rankings: (Note: Order within tiers is irrelevant.)

-Top Tier:

-Los Pescaderos (Blasting off right now, can’t deny it, but still somehow don’t see it lasting. Prove me wrong Fish!)

-The Gang (Second overall, second in points, The Gang are straight rolling. AuctionDraft is the best thing to happen to gambling savvy PPR in years.)

-Middle Tier with upside:

– LT’s Crackheed’s (0-2, yes. But Brees, Peterson, and McFadden (yeah that’s right – fucking McFadden bitches) as well as solid if underachieving WR corps should start to come on).

-Fightin’ Birdmen (Need to figure out that third WR spot post-trade. Steve Breaston? Not doing it. Otherwise, looking like a solid team.)

-Middle Tier with downside:

-Crazy Canucks: Started out 4-0 last season. Ended up 6-7 and wearing a bikini bras at the draft – and were lucky to get 6 wins. Just traded away a decent running back in a good system finally, because of PTSD from last season. Look, we all know where this is going.)

-1.21 Jigiwatts: Sad to say, I trust exactly two people on this team right now. Andre Johnson and Brady (and Brady is iffy). Here’s hoping Fwats can turn shit around.

-Mormon Defenders: Last year’s champs using last year’s roster, plus a little help from the 2007 all-stars. Probably not enough to get it done, especially since MJD seems stuck in neutral.

-The GBP: Still not sure how a team with no receivers on the roster can be 2-0. Despite the hot start, Commish predicts a downturn.

Lower Tier:

-The Rat Pack: Two straight dominant seasons seemed to be way behind them now. Commish predicts QB merry-go-round all year. Never a great strategy. Holding onto the Steven Jackson titanic a bit too long?

-The Brown Trout (Loved this team after the draft. How wrong I was. That said, watching Little Buhr’s hatred of Shonn Greene grow week in and week out will be special this season.)

-Good Luck in Week 3.



Commish “Thoughts” Week 1

Well they’re not quite deep thoughts and they’re not quite Commish Notes.  No, these are much more free form.  In thinking back on it I realized one of my big problems with Commish notes is that there seems to be a forced structure to them which makes them feel too much like work.  Each time I sit down to write them I start out strong, but always bog down in the middle and then crawl to some predetermined and set end just to get a “formal” set written.

Take for example the Draft Review I did but was not meant to be.  The teams nominating on the left side of the big board received more of my attention as I was fresh while I was analyzing the first three or so teams (The Gang, 1.21 Jigiwatts, Los Pescas).  But as I hit the middle of the board, my energy waned and the analysis (and the commentary specifically) suffered.  I didn’t even get to the last 3 teams before the catastrophic loss of information, but trust me I wasn’t exactly excited at the thought of trying to find “insightful” analysis of the 2010 Birdmen, or any of those last three teams on the board for that matter.  It wasn’t that I hated those teams specifically (save the Birdmen), it’s just that I was already spent, and the fact that I FELT like I had to plow through and give each team it’s fair due after doing seven similar analyses just sucked the life out of me.  Fuck those last three teams.  (The only one I was looking forward to talking about was the Rat Pack, because Eryn was so universally trashed at the post-draft weekend festivities for ditching Schaub as a holdover, and instead ending up saving a whole dollar on the Kolb/Cutler combination while losing a roster spot in the process.  Sorry E, but Iwan and Little Buhr were merciless.  Be glad you were on the other side of the pond for that part.)

It’s the same reason I ditched the whole game recaps last year when I was still trying to do Commish Notes.  By that fourth game, didn’t matter who it was, I really didn’t have the energy or care.  That’s why the GBP got two sentences every week when I did do those recaps.

So screw it, I’m just going free form from now on.  Maybe I’ll talk about some teams and not others.  Maybe I’ll talk all Crackheeds all the time (by far the team I’m most interested in oddly).   Maybe there’ll be some numbers.  Maybe just some bear talk or transformers clips (by the way I’m sure that in the previous post the 9:40 second length of the cartoon scared everyone away.  Please note, however, that I linked specifically to the part I wanted you to see and it only takes about 20 seconds when you click on it.)  Who knows?  Who cares?  It’s just coming out how it’s coming out.

For this set I figured I would go over what I remembered from my Draft Review in sort of bullet form.  I don’t remember the specific grades, and I’m not ranking the teams.  Maybe Power Rankings can return again in time but again even those have the “must complete a list and give each team it’s due” type of feel.  (Also I feel like after one week they’re a waste of time.  I mean right now we know Gabe is the number one team on the board but everyone knows that won’t last.)

And now here they are, The Draft Review Memories:

-I liked PPR’s new team, definitely thought it was a step up.  I think I gave him a B+ draft, the highest grade I’d given him in a long while.  I said at the draft and also before week one in my analysis that I thought Hakeem Nicks would be huge.  And….so far he’s huge.  (And unlike Welker, I see it continuing.)

-I also mentioned that The Gang had gone a combined 5-21 in the past two seasons combined.  Ouch.  (Of course now they’re 1-o at the expense of my Heeds.)

-I thought Gabe’s team was just so so.  Loved the Foster pick.  Didn’t love the Gore price or the Welker price (I know, I know, he went OFF in week one, still, I just don’t see it continuing).  I did like the value on Forsett and I loved the Holmes pick up.  I feel like Gabe’s team has .500 with one and done in the playoffs written all over it.

-I broke down the entire record of the “Cobra Kai Era” (lasted four years).  Don’t recall it now but it was close to but just south of .500.  There was a trend in there too but I forget what it was.  (So glad that research was erased!).  On draft dray and draft night I thought I liked Fwat’s team a fair bit.  But I soured as time went on leading into Sunday.  Love Rice and Andre Johnson obviously, and also Brady and Witten, but don’t really believe in Moreno, Wells, T.O, or Mike Sims-Walker.  And that Devin Thomas pick (now discarded) really came out of nowhere.  The Redskins have receivers?

-Here are some the players I thought were great values/steals at the draft:

-Nicks ($13), Collie (1$), Forsett ($7), Holmes (3$), Witten ($9), Bradshaw ($10), Owen Daniels ($1), Maclin ($11), Ronnie Brown ($15), Stafford ($1), Ward ($4)

-Here are some players I thought went too high:

-Matthews ($57) (Said this before week one), Gore ($48), Welker ($22), Ricky Williams ($10), Desean Jackson ($26), Colston ($31), Benson ($37), NYJ Def ($10), Prater (19$), Steven Jackson ($45), Wayne ($41),

-The only “F” grade went to Jonny G’s WR corps, which on draft stay consisted of Mike Wallace, Braylon Edwards, Nate Burleson, and Julian Edelman.  That’s not a WR corps, that’s a WR bench.  Jonny G also spent $29 total on Kicker and Defense – not good.  He would have gotten the worst draft grade had I ranked all the teams.

-Overall I thought the draft went pretty even.  I don’t think any one team is head and shoulders above another.  If I had to sub-divide the teams based on my thoughts going into week one, here’s how I would have done it in tiers:

Top Tier: None

Middle Tier with Upside (Teams I like or think I could like): The Gang, Canucks, Brown Trout, Crackheeds, Birdmen

In the Middle of the Middle Tier: Los Pescaderos

Middle Tier with Downside: 1.21 Jigiwatts, The Rat Pack, Mormon Defenders

Lower Tier:  The GBP

-After week one I might slide Little Buhr down a hair due to the Ryan Grant injury.  Jury’s out on everyone else.

Here are some Week One Thoughts I had:

-I’m trying to think of a situation where I wouldn’t root for Megatron.  Maybe if the Heeds were playing Los Pescas in the Title Game.  MAYBE.

-I’ve always hated the prime time Minnesota vs. New Orleans game.  I feel like it’s schooled me multiple times with huge let downs for my studs.

-I was worried that no one could pick up the slack for the departed Jamarcus Russel in the bad QB’s I love to watch because they’re so awful department.  Luckily, Derek Anderson won the starting job in Arizona and really shined in week one.  And of course Delhomme is still around launching wounded ducks from his wet noodle which warms my heart.

-Favorite nicknames emerging from Week 1.  Bob’s coining of “Dexter McClusterfuck” and of course Arian “Foster – Australian for Touchdown.”

-Found myself in the odd position of rooting fairly hard for McNabb this past week.  He’s still on a division rival, though it’s the one I care about the least, and I love that Dallas lost that game.  I hate that fucking team.

-One of my favorite parts of the football season is my weekly phone break down of the Giant’s game with Papa STup.  I like all the parts of that call, but my favorite portion is the “Here why Eli sucked and I hate him” portion.  This week he couldn’t believe “how much of  a pass Eli gets from the announcers” and better yet he called him a “freaking pansy” because he’s afraid to run with the ball.  I can’t wait until next week, because Papa Stup loves to talk about how much better Peyton is.  I smell an “It’s not even close” coming after week 2, just saying.

-Inter-Division War.  Why type when a picture suffices? Iwan takes the Predators to 1-0.  First all out Inter-Division War Week is week 4.  Enjoy.

That's a PWNYO.

Enjoy Week 2.


Calvin Johnson’s Week 1 Post-Game Press Conference

Found a cool link to Megatron’s post-battle thoughts regarding his catch and the game against the Bears:


2010’s First Bet

Hello Team.

No draft review yet – it’s still in progress.  But I thought I’d go ahead and make FULLY public the first bet of this young 2010 season.  Kudos to Little Buhr and Gabe Buhr for making it happen.

The Bet?  Better record at the end of the season wins, unless the team with the worse record wins the Crown.  In case of a tie, bet is off.

The Stakes?   The winner picks a player jersey for the loser to wear at next year’s draft AND the first week at Player’s to watch football.

The Catch?  The jersey is of the pink, Alissa Milano variety.  Now imagine one of the Buhr brothers in this:

(I highly recommend clicking zoom.)

Game on!

Keep the bets coming!