Week 2. What it do? What it do, indeed. (Look, I know no one here needs help with that reference, but I can’t help myself. Here’s the link, again. Try not to watch it. I dare you.)
Ah, now that we’re done “reading the defense”, we can move on (also few running backs can pick up -the blitz – in fucking hyperspace – like LT. Nice work that guy.)
Week Two is in the books! We’ve got four teams that are 2-0, four teams that are 0-2, and two teams sitting at .500. The lesson is that we officially know nothing yet about this young season. NOTHING!
The first order of business this week is for Commish to eat some crow. (Mmm, tasty crow, you hear that Birdman?!) I spent my last post talking about the sheer mediocrity of Los Pescaderos. Since then, they’ve set out to prove me wrong and hell they’ve really done it. They’ve popped off a 2-0 record in such a dominating fashion that they’ve essentially convinced the rest of the league that anal penetration is fair game on the first date as long as it’s quick. Arian “The Atheist’s Nightmare” Foster is predictably on a roll (Commish called that on draft day), Schaub seems bound for numbers-based glory again (everyone called that), and even the picks Commish was hesitant about (Welker, Gore) are slapping their own ass and making horsey-ride motions like drunken frat boys about to hit up a strip club. This whole team is going off. So congrats, Gabe Buhr, you are the coach of the first two weeks, if such an award actually existed. I for one, pay homage, to all four of your nipples.
Here’s some other things I enjoyed about week 2, fantasy or otherwise:
-LT’s Crackheeds are 0-2. As I was explaining to some on Tuesday night, this has been the least bummed I’ve ever been about a 0-2 start. Normally this sort of catastrophic beginning would be the grounds for a world-class shame spiral for your Commish. These notes would be shut down. I would be unreachable by phone or email, and even in person I might talk or look in your direction. But this season? No such spiral. The reason? Well, it’s two-fold. For one, I still like my team and I’m going to be patient. We’ll have our weeks, and we’ll get our wins. Will we be the best team? Probably not, but if I were another team in the league I wouldn’t look forward to playing us. Second, and perhaps more importantly, I have a new dog. She rocks. She’s really de-stressed me in terms of fantasy. We were hanging out on Monday night, for example. Normally I’d be frothing at the mouth, hoping against hell I’d win that game and wishing Iwan a slow death for daring to have a substantial lead on me going in. But last Monday? I just petted my pooch and watched the game. Yeah we lost, but there’s next week I realized. I petted my pooch some more. Now if only the dog could defuse my Giants-based shame spiral, we might be in business. Might need a second dog for that. Or a full pack. (Actually, what am I talking about? The Giants didn’t even play last week. They’re still 1-0. Let’s move on.)
-Started looking through the record book this week. Here’s some fun things I found in there coupled with some other general comments:
-Los Pescaderos average margin of victory is currently 56.12 points, way tops in the league.
-LT’s Crackheeds average margin of defeat is 7.90 points, lowest in the league. (See? Looking on the bright side. )
-The Brown Trout scored ZERO touchdowns in week 1. Javhid “BEAST” was on the bench that game. While he was busy racking up 17 unscored points, Shonn Greene and Ryan Grant were busy putting up a combined 3.35 points for the Brown Trout that week. I find this hilarious for some reason. Little Buhr is truly running back kryptonite.
-I thought Jonny G had the worst draft of anyone. His team is 2-0, he’s in third overall place and fourth overall place in points. The lesson is, I don’t know a damn thing.
-Through two weeks every team has topped 100 points at least once – except the Brown Trout. Could they lose their overall point leader status for the entire league this season? Commish is betting yes.
-All the games were at least fairly close this week, with the exception of the beat down that Los Pescaderos put on 1.21 Jigiwatts. The point differential in that game was over 46 points. The sad thing? 1.21 Jigiwatts were the second highest scoring team this week. Ouch. Commish feels like this is the third season in a row where Fwat’s boys are the victims of high-scoring losses.
-The Birdmen currently hold the record for lowest team rushing yards (week 1) and lowest team receiving yards (week 2). Yet somehow they are 1-1. Fantasy football folks. Let us now bash our heads against tables.
Recap of Football Watching Action at my house – week 2. We had Birdman at my house early followed by Little Buhr and Iwan late. The running joke of this week had to do with every “Bobby”. For those not here, or those not in the know, the name Bobby is back, and it’s back big time. It started with the resurgence of Bob Stevens himself into our lives. Since then, Bobby has been out of control. To keep it short, here’s the reference chain. Try and follow along. Bob Stevens, aka Bobby Stevens, aka “Real Mature Bobby”, aka “Every-body” equates to “Every BOBBY!” during Eryn’s bachelor party (courtesy of the “Shots” song by LMAO). Somehow that evolved into every Robert in the NFL being called Bobby (aka “Bobby” Bironas) at the draft –and somehow that evolved into every player playing well in the NFL becoming a Bobby, as if the name itself is so sweet it warrants a player’s sweet play be rewarded by deeming that player, simply “Bobby Last Name”. Did you see that one-handed catch by “Bobby” Moss? Did you see that sweet run by “Bobby” Best? Did you see the horrible performance by “Joe” Flacco? You get the idea. It’s funny all right – funny every time. It’s got legs and it hasn’t gotten old. And it won’t.
-Alright, we’re winding down here for week 2. Before I get to the inter-division war, I think I’ll steal a few things and post them up for your amusement.
You know how Tom Brady got in a car crash last week? I thought The Onion nailed it:
Unscathed Tom Brady walks away from car crash in slow motion
-In case Tom Brady hasn’t been made fun of enough, look at this – I mean just LOOK at it. Jesus. It’s like Tom Brady is auditioning to be a Hans Gruber henchman.
More on Arian “The Atheist’s Nightmare” Foster, again courtesy the onion.
Inter-Division War. It’s Predators 2, Aliens 0 folks. But that’s just what you expect from the Crown-Owning Division. (Again, the record is 8-3. Ouch, lesser division. Ouch.)
-Updated Tier-Based Power Rankings: (Note: Order within tiers is irrelevant.)
-Los Pescaderos (Blasting off right now, can’t deny it, but still somehow don’t see it lasting. Prove me wrong Fish!)
-The Gang (Second overall, second in points, The Gang are straight rolling. AuctionDraft is the best thing to happen to gambling savvy PPR in years.)
-Middle Tier with upside:
– LT’s Crackheed’s (0-2, yes. But Brees, Peterson, and McFadden (yeah that’s right – fucking McFadden bitches) as well as solid if underachieving WR corps should start to come on).
-Fightin’ Birdmen (Need to figure out that third WR spot post-trade. Steve Breaston? Not doing it. Otherwise, looking like a solid team.)
-Middle Tier with downside:
-Crazy Canucks: Started out 4-0 last season. Ended up 6-7 and wearing a bikini bras at the draft – and were lucky to get 6 wins. Just traded away a decent running back in a good system finally, because of PTSD from last season. Look, we all know where this is going.)
-1.21 Jigiwatts: Sad to say, I trust exactly two people on this team right now. Andre Johnson and Brady (and Brady is iffy). Here’s hoping Fwats can turn shit around.
-Mormon Defenders: Last year’s champs using last year’s roster, plus a little help from the 2007 all-stars. Probably not enough to get it done, especially since MJD seems stuck in neutral.
-The GBP: Still not sure how a team with no receivers on the roster can be 2-0. Despite the hot start, Commish predicts a downturn.
-The Rat Pack: Two straight dominant seasons seemed to be way behind them now. Commish predicts QB merry-go-round all year. Never a great strategy. Holding onto the Steven Jackson titanic a bit too long?
-The Brown Trout (Loved this team after the draft. How wrong I was. That said, watching Little Buhr’s hatred of Shonn Greene grow week in and week out will be special this season.)
-Good Luck in Week 3.