Monthly Archives: September 2008

Commish Notes – Week 3

Something stinks in here.  Something stinks bad.  Something, is downright rotten.

And that something, my little Micks, is nearly half the teams in MLOM during week 3 of the 2008 season.  FOUR stinkbombs this week?!  FOUR?!  That’s downright impressive in it’s awfulness.  Did half the NFL players have a bye this week?  What gives?  There were so many stink bombs this week that one was even good enough to win!  Commish didn’t even have to really look (though he did scan the low scoring 2001 season from top to bottom) to tell you that four stink bombs has never happened before in the same week ever in the history of MLOM.  Oh, the shame, folks.  The shame!

And, I can’t lie, it took Commish quite a serious effort to get these notes going this week.  Commish had to dig himself out of a vast hole of self-loathing to even contemplate how to start.  The Heeds are bad – REAL bad, and that’s no fun for Commish.  But lucky for him – and not so lucky for a few other teams Commish might add – misery loves company.  And you trust ole’ Commish, there was a lot of love this week in that respect.  In fact, Commish bets that if the four stink-bombers simply join hands and harness the power of our respective shame spirals together, we can open up a collective black hole of shitty fantasy football the likes of which this league, nor any other league, has never seen.

On the other side of the coin, and there is one thankfully, there are some things to celebrate this week.  One epic struggle, and one team – not so used to success of late – cashing in and looking like the real deal.  It’s no surprise that amongst such massive amounts of filth the Rats would prosper.  And this week they did.

But more on that later – let’s go back to the shame spirals a minute.

While wallowing in self-loathing, Commish thought it might be fun to do a little post-analysis on the trade he made at the beginning of this season.  It’s not like Bush and Chambers are hot, right?  Well, luckily Santonio Holmes has really hit his stride to justify the trade, right?  Ah, good.  Still a good, fair, balanced trade, a help to both teams right?  Let’s look at the actual numbers:

Fantasy Points thru 3 weeks:

Santonio Holmes:15.70

Chest Taylor: 19.30

Total:  35.0

And on the other side:

Reggie Bush: 69.73

Chris Chambers: 37.27

Total: 107.0

Seen enough?  The lesson Commish has learned is:  Never Trade.

(Slams head repeatedly into the table)

Moving on, there is one more thing that demands the general attention of the league in these here notes before we get down to specifics, and that is the complete domination by COBRA so far.  Things haven’t been this bad for the Joes since Destro first got his Weather Dominator up and running and the world was plunged into chaos.  There’s snow on the Sahara, folks, and right now it feels like the entire world is held hostage and Cobra Commander is currently on all TV stations demanding the free world’s surrender.  Despite only being 2-1 in interleague play (that’s right only 3 games between divisions so far), one per week, Cobra is hot, hot, hot.  ALL FIVE Cobra teams are outscoring all five GI Joe teams – it’s just ridiculous.  The real test is week 4 coming up, with all games being inter-divisional.  We’ll see what happens.  In Commish’s eyes, this is playing out just like a GI Joe episode.  Cobra cooks up a nasty surprise, gets the upper hand, and then – WHAM – Joe comes along to save the day.  The only problem with this theory is that the current Joe teams are playing more like Bazooka and Dialtone, and less like Snake Eyes and Duke.  But let’s remember something here – before COBRA members get too high on themselves – and do a quick crown count.  Yup, like I thought.  Joe 7, Cobra 2.   See you on the field this week boys.  Go Joe!

On to the Week 3 Games:

Fightin’ Birdmen 97.97 over LT’s Crackheeds 62.68

Here we see the first and second-smelliest of the bathroom-clearing stink bombs, courtesy of the commish’s own Heeds.  We’ll get to them in a second.  For the victorious Adman, however, consider this another workmanlike just-get-it-done win for the Birdmen, who appear to be big on wins if not on points this season.  Commish thought his boys might roll down easy street in this game once he saw he was facing not one but two Chiefs in the opposing line-up.  As it turns out, those two Chiefs put up nearly enough points to match the entire Crackheed Team minus Drew Brees (no shit, it was Bowe/Johnson 29.95, Heeds minus Brees 32.64).  And any time two Chiefs can slap around your team like a bunch of ninnies, it’s time to hit the waiver wire hard and maybe, just maybe go try and find Jesus (trust me, I may or may not have wandered out into the rain after this performance with my arms spread and face to the sky asking “Why?  WHY?!?”).  Tomlinson, to his credit, picked a good week to finally activate.   And what about the Heeds?  Yikes, they’re in trouble – that’s what.  Peterson is already hurt and so that should be fun week in and week out.  The Heeds receiving corp at this point might be the worst in the history of MLOM.  And Commish is still scratching his head over how a man can throw for over 400 yards and only have 1 TD.  Commish wasn’t sure it was physically possible until Brees somehow managed to do it.  Truth is, neither one of these teams is giving Commish the warm and fuzzy.

Fun Fact:  The Birdmen move to 6-7 all-time against the Heeds in Regular season play.  LT’s Crackheeds 62.68 points this week is the worst in franchise history.

The Rat Pack 128.13 over the Mormon Defenders 91.93

Well how about that sassy Rat Pack?  Call Commish crazy but he’s going to label them the league’s hottest team right now as they continue to romp around the league, devouring every opponent in sight.  Cutler has turned into the potential steal of the draft, Lynch is a man-beast, Chicago D has regained some of it’s old swagger, the receivers are hot – everything is going well for this team except maybe Stephen Jackson and Chris Cooley, and even those guys ain’t chopped liver (except for Cooley – week 1 goat, cock blog, etc.).  In fact, if it weren’t for 0.11 points (second closest margin ever, by the way) in week 1, then this Rat Pack team would be 3-0 and on top of the world.  Commish likes what he sees here, makes no mistake.  And so should the rest of the league – it could mean no more thong.  And for Norm this is simply an average loss.  Not a terrible game, and playing a hot team.  Not much else to say.  Norm, as was seen last week, has recovered nicely from the Brady nightmare, and looks to have a few ups and downs along the way. On the plus side, Aaron Rodgers continues to look promising, and you know that one week MJD and Chris Johnson will combine for something like 450 yards and 6 TDs against the right opponents.  So far the biggest question mark on this team looks to be Roy “no fun to have on my fantasy team because he’s so talented yet unreliable” Williams.  The biggest threat to Norm’s team?  It’s Lendale White – he keeps stealing Johnson’s touchdowns.

Fun Fact: The Rat Pack move to 5-3 all-time against the Mormon Defenders.  The Rat Pack haven’t scored this high since Week 2 of the 2007 season.

The Gang 69.34 over Crazy Canucks 67.24

Let us all now bow our heads in shame.  Ugh.  What else can be said but ugh?  Welcome to Special Olympics Fantasy Football.  Commish supposes that technically The Gang “win” this game but everyone needs to keep in mind that in another, more accurate way, both of these teams lose.  In fact the whole league loses just by bearing witness here.  Yes, this one was a toilet bowl for the ages.  How much so?  Let’s look.  The combined points of this game total exactly 136.58 points, good enough for fourth place on the all-time lowest scores list.  BUT, the top three all come from the 2001 season, when scoring rules tended to be much lower and bonuses did not exist.  And with that in mind – this game is only ONE total point off of being second lowest scoring all-time.  (Fact is, as high as this game is on the list, we may never see another game like Rat Pack vs. Cobra Kai, week 7 of 2001, only 126 combined points…)  It’s certainly the worst, by far, of the “modern scoring” era in MLOM.  Furthermore, this is the only game in recorded MLOM history where BOTH teams are under 70 points.  Folks, that’s impressive.  Shockingly, Commish might have expected this sort of performance from anyone – save the Canucks – who only have 1 other stinkbomb in their team history, tops in the league until now (the Poo Fish also only have 2 of these).  The Gang only had three others.  Well hats off to them, too – they just earned their fourth.  Want more fun facts from this game?  Sure, let’s keep going.  The Canuck RB production totaled exactly 2.50 points – possibly the worst non-injury related scoring from a pair of RBs in MLOM history.  The Gang’s contribution to the stank?  How about a negative EIGHT point performance from the New England Defense, at home against Miami.  My God that smells bad.  Let Commish summate this way – when the best thing about this game is the performance of Julius Jones, you know it’s pure shit.

Fun Fact: The Gang move to 6-4 all-time against the Canucks.  The only worse game in Canucks history was a week 10, 2006 loss to Cobra Kai (64.86 points).

The Poo Fish 82.40 over the GBP 56.87

From one toilet bowl to the next.  This one may not look as bad on paper, but let Commish assure you that the approximately 139 total points you see before you are clearly in the top ten of worst games ever.  The blow is cushioned only by the game above this.  But make no mistake, this game stinks almost as bad as the game before it, and lurking somewhere in the depths of this stank-fog, is the vilest, smelliest, nausea-inducing performance of them all.  Someone needs to tell Jonny G that the hit-the-brakes-and-they’ll-fly-right-by move works much better for fighter pilots then fantasy football teams.  And the Poo Fish, in a resounding bizarro move, dont’ score much at all but claim an actual win rather than pulling their trademark scoring of a million points only to lose to another, somehow hotter team.  What is MLOM coming to?  Big Ben has to take some of the fall for this disaster for Jonny G.  Typically you expect more than negative 3 points out of your 3rd round draft pick, but Commish could be mistaken.  (Though, in Ben’s defense, I’m not sure Pittsburgh fielded an offensive line in this game.)  And Brian Westbrook’s injury didn’t help any either.  The dynamic Pennsylvania Polka that so enamored MLOM in week 1 seems a distant memory now.  Which begs, the question, did Jonny G’s boys shoot their wad too fast this year?  Six more weeks of Winter?  For the Poo Fish, there is nothing spectacular here obviously but frankly put – they’ll take it.  They are the last team in MLOM to get a win but one could argue that desite that fact this was their worst game.  Go figure.  This Fish team is hard to figure – one of the few amusements Commish has left is thinking about just how bad this team might be, after Romo, if Little Buhr hadn’t landed Bush and Chambers in that deal.  (Of course, then Commish recalls that it was he who made that awful deal and he straight weeps).  And just for the record, while Commish is piling on Little Buhr, I might add that Braylon Edwards remains firmly atop the least productive non-injured holdover board, cumulating a total of 8.87 points (and 9 drops) through 3 weeks of the season.  He’s making a strong case for goat of the quarter.

Fun Fact: Little Buhr moves to 5-6 all-time against Jonny G.  The GBP haven’t scored this low since week 13, 2004 (56.02 points against Cobra Kai).

Los Pescaderos 124.34 over Cobra Kai 122.62

After so much stank this week, why not end on a high note?  And if there’s one pure high note in MLOM this week, it’s this game.  Monday Night Madness redefined.  The last play of the last game of the week determining the outcome of the game?  You can’t make that up, folks.  That’s why we show up year after year.  The last-second interception by the Charger’s “dee” is the difference between first place and sixth right now, and nothing more.  Wow.  It’s hard to imagine a team with four 20+ point players taking a loss, but as Fwats’ll tell ya – it happens, especially when the guy on the other side does the same thing but just a little bit better.  Looks like the Pittsburgh offense line might be accountable for two losses this week, doing in both Jonny G and Fwats.  And at some point the Giants decided there was no need to cover Houshmandzadeh any longer, a fact that had both Fwats and Papa Stup in an obvious tizzy.  Also what were the odds of Matt Jones outplaying TO?   Wow.  Regardless, the back and forths on this game could be on and on – the bottom line is that both of these teams (the two top drafted teams as per the Commish Draft Grades (Tm) I might add) seem to be the squads to beat, here in the early going.  Gabe gets plus points for having the best trash-talk to date as well.  Oh yeah – he’s got the swagger.  And even though Fwats doesn’t take home the win, he’s still in superb position to charge ahead and lead Cobra.  Yes he’s relegated to sixth place now, but like Destro he’s biding his time.  The highest scoring team in the league won’t be in sixth place for long.  For the rest of the league – it’ll be no mercy.

Fun Fact: Gabe improves to just 4-8 all-time against Fwats.

Weekly Awards

It goes without saying that every touchdown Ronnie Brown amassed on Sunday while on the bench was like an Ivan Drago haymaker right to Little Buhr’s unshielded dome.  There’s nothing left to do except shake our heads about it, and of course create a new weekly award! And here it is:

The first-ever Ronnie Brown Award for “Most agonizing player to have on your bench” goes to:

Ronnie Brown, of course.  May his 44.40 point game be a constant reminder that Fantasy Football is truly, truly, a harsh mistress.

Player of the Week:

TJ Houshmandzadeh – 24.73 points. Final Stat Line: 12 catches for 146 yards, 1 TD.   This monster performance by Housh was easily the difference in the game of the week, so hat’s off.

Runner up:  Reggie Bush – 26 points (Most points of the week, but not as essential to victory as that above).

Team of the Week:

The Rat Pack

Top Score of the week, and riding a two-game win streak.  Also they’re the second highest scoring team of the week, and that’s especially impressive for the Pack, who have NEVER finished even in the top half of scoring in a single season.  Also I might add that the Roston boys are both hot, going 4-0 the past two weeks.  Only E-ron has done it in oh-so-slightly more impressive fashion.  Commish hat’s off!

Runner up:  Los Pescas – Gotta love the Psycho Buhr Swagger right now….

Game of the Week:

Los Pescas versus Cobra Kai

Monday Night Madness.  High Scoring Game.  Last Play of the Game.  Nuff Said.

Bad Coaching Move of the Week:

Sep 17 3:22pm New England (NE – DEF) Add Free Agents The Gang

Good Coaching Move of the Week:

Sep 17 4:25pm Trent Edwards (Buf – QB)  Add Free Agents Los Pescaderos

Coach of the Week:

Gabe Buhr

Good coaching move of the week?  Check.  Optimal line-up played this week?  Check.  Won the Game of the Week?  Check.  Sweet effing trash talk so far?  Check.   Yup, this one was easy.

(And there’s a lesson here, folks, for the rest of you – spice up your trash talk to get on Commish’s good side and win a few awards.  Keeping your lame “Cheese Pizza” trash talk for 3 weeks too long?  Yeah, that’s dumb.  Schooling said lame trash talk in the side-smack talk bar?  Yeah that wins points every time.  Gabe – you’re hot.  Commish wants you.)


Goat of the Week:

Before we announce this week’s goat, let’s give a special hand to last weeks’ voter-favorite goat – Braylon Edwards.  Congrats Braylon.

Tough call this week with so much toilet action going on, but Commish can’t look past two players.  One is the New England Defense, weighing in at a solid negative EIGHT fucking points, at home, versus Miami.  That is simply staggering.  Worst score ever?  It’s bad, all right, but the Gang still one the game, and frankly it’s no fun calling out a “team defense” as a goat of the week.  Oh Commish it’ll do it, if put to the test, but not this week.  No, this week’s honor goes to Big Ben.

Ben Roethlisberger: -3.62 points  Final Stat Line: 13 of 25, 131 yards, 0 TDs, 1 pick, 2 fumbles lost.

Impressive work for Big Ben.  That’s a third round pick folks.  The fifth QB off the board.   The damage?   Second worst loss in GBP history, worst score of the worst week in MLOM history.  Ben, buddy, come get your horns.

Well, that’s it.  Or is it?  Aw shit, let’s keep going.  A quick look at the Commish Power Rankings by Tiers:

Top Tier (in no particular order)

-Los Pescas (Tude, swagger, points, trash talk)

-Cobra Kai (highest scoring team, just waiting to bust out on the standings)

-Rat Pack (LIfe has never been this good for the Pack)

Middle Tier (in no particular order)

-GBP (Injuries, Pitt O-line woes make this team uncertain)

-Mormon Defenders (Something tells commish these guys might do some damage)

-Crazy Canucks (last year’s champs might be able to get to 500…)

Bottom Tier (in no particular order)

-Crackheeds (10th place.  It’s the receiving core stupid.)

-Birdmen (Points could be a problem)

-The Gang (Enjoy second place while it lasts, then enjoy Matt Cassel at QB)

-The Poo Fish (Stole some of Heeds best players – still can’t get it together yet)

And now that’s it.  Good luck to all teams in Week 4 – the battle for Inter-Division Supremacy!

Commish


Commish Notes – Week 2*

* Also know as The Wrath of Hochuli

With Week 2 in the books, and with all of MLOM now engaged in an all out brawl with little to no indication as to how the season is going to ultimately play out (everybody is 1-1, except two teams – and we’ll get to those), Commish has several questions he would pose to Commish Notes readers.

-Who are this year’s favorites in MLOM?

-Who’s in trouble?  (*cough* Little Buhr  *cough*)

-And most importantly, did Gabe Buhr visibly shake and scream “Hoch-u-li” a la Shatner in the fourth quarter of the San Diego/Denver game?

These are just some of the questions Commish sets to ponder as we dive in to the week 2 proceedings.

On to the games.

Mormon Defenders 124.22 over LT’s Crackheeds 86.77

Player of the Game: Aaron Rodgers, 33.80 points

Norm had the perfect excuse to give up for the year, with injuries to Brady and half the Jags O-line in week1.  But did he?  No.  Perhaps looking to the story of Job (Commish likes to think the AD character Gob, not the biblical hero Job) for inspiration, Norm persevered (and hopefully did the chicken dance), and most importantly made the shrewd move of grabbing Aaron Rodgers off the waiver wire.  It certainly didn’t hurt that the Saints can’t play defense (Santana Moss might have equaled his points from all of last year in this game).  Amusingly, had Desean Jackson not been a jackass and dropped that football in celebration before scoring, this game would have been a blow-up (more than 130 points) and a blow-out (win by more than 40 points).  As of now, it just stands as a very convincing win.  After losing seven in a row, something tells Commish that’s good enough for Norm.  Not much to say about the Heeds this week – a pretty meh peformance all around.  We’ll call it your standard let-down game.  Commish must say he is curious just how good “All Day” might be if Tavaris Jackson’s presence on the field didn’t guarantee TEN effing men in the box on every play…

Fun Fact:  Norm is now 8-5 lifetime regular season against the Heeds, his most dominated opponent.

The Gang 80.81 over The Fightin’ Birdmen 72.62

Player of the Game: Nick Folk, 14 points

U. G. L. Y.  This game ain’t got no alibi – it’s ug-lay!  Imagine the Commish’s furrowed, disbelieving brow as he looks over sets of mediocre points from players in this game and tries to pick a player of the game before ultimately deciding on the fucking kicker.  Let’s look at some numbers.  Number of points by all Birdmen running backs, receivers, and tight ends (that’s six players) combined:  25.51  Number of players in this game combined scoring less than 5 points: 7 of 18  Number scoring less than 10 points?  11 of 18.   Actual score of this game if kickers and defenses not counted:  The Gang – 50.81, The Birdmen – 43.62.   You get the idea.  Anemic offense, even with great defense and kicking does not good fantasy football make.  Lost in the shuffle of this game’s meh-ness is the cover story of Peyton Manning facing his old team.  Looks like it’s Gang one, Peyton zero.  For now.  These two teams are now the two lowest scoring teams in MLOM after two weeks.  The weird thing?  PPR, because of his 1-0 division record (whereas all other teams in the “Joe” Division have marks of 1-1 or 0-1) , is now on TOP of the division, and technically in second place in the league, despite having the lowest total score in the league!  The lesson is:  Win those division games.

Fun Fact: The Gang continue to own the Birdmen, upping their record to 7-3 all-time (regular season).

The GBP 145.10 over Cobra Kai 105.14

Player of the Game:  Anquan Boldin 33.33 points

Many might be quick to look at Hurricane Ike and the rescheduling of the Houston/Baltimore game as a possible issue here.  But look again – even if Andre Johnson had played, he would have needed a 40-point outing to help the Kai smote the mighty GBP.  Jonny G’s team is “so hot right now”, and on the back of Boldin’s 3 TD game they record the first official Blow-Up (Team over 130 points) of the 2008 season.  This Pack is clicking on all cylinders – they put up 11 TD’s in this game alone, and only had one player (Marvin Harrison) score less than 10 points.  Not too shabby.  On the other side, the Cobra Kai Dojo remains strong, with one potential huge Achilles’ Heel, Commish must add – the Quarterback position.  WIth a combined 2.83 points from the position in two weeks, Fwat’s QB play looks about as good as well-worn pair of Mike Aref’s pants, and one can only imagine Fwats at his terminal in his Mobile Command Center pouring over the waiver wire and trade possibilities, feverishly working to fix the problem.  And a problem it is. (Fwats – Mcnabb is on the board.)

Fun Fact: WIth this win the GBP move to 8-5 all-time against Fwats (regular season)

Crazy Canucks 125.13 over Los Pescaderos 85.36

Player of the Game,  Kurt Warner, 36.69 points

Relying on ole’ Faithful, K-dub, and after the shrewd pick-up of Scheffler, the Maple Leafs (Leafs?  Leaves? I’m confused.)  look strong in week 2, delivering the second official Blow Out win of the 2008 MLOM season.  Going from Heap in week 1 to Scheffler in week 2 at the TE position might have been the single biggest TE turnaround in league history.  The only thing the Leaf’s got wrong in this game was benching McFadden (Kevin Smith really is more talented).  Regardless, this game might just represent a solid return to form after their “Super Bowl Hangover” loss from week 1.  And Los Pescas?  It looks like the rest of the squad can’t keep up with strong performances from Megatron (has everyone seen this guy play?  He is fucking ridiculous), the Barbarian (who runs as if he’s Ookla the Mok from that Thundarr the Barbarian show), and Gore.  Megatron is emerging as a real leader on this team, which is no surprise given his namesake.  But if Johnson is Megatron, who is Starscream?  Commish’s early hunch is that it’s Houshmandzadeh.  He thinks he’s bigger and better than he is, but when it comes down to pressure time (i.e. Ocho Cinco is hurting and he actually faces double coverage) everyone realizes he’s no better than a typical second banana.  Mark that down as a subplot to watch.

Fun Fact:  The Canucks are now 6-3 (regular season) all-time against Los Pescaderos

The Rat Pack 126.66 over the Poo Fish 121.04

Player of the Game:  Gulp, it’s Eli Manning, 29.49 points (or is it Ed Hochuli?)

Ah, where to begin with this gem?  Let Commish pose this question:  What isn’t E-ron willing to give up to beat his arch-nemesis Little Buhr?  Clearly he’s willing to give up a Chargers win (I mean come on, Ed Hochuli, bad call, next play is a TD to Royal, without which the Rat Pack lose?!)  He’s clearly willing to play someone he hates (Eli Manning).  Looking at the last three digits of his score, he might even be willing to give up his soul.   I suppose, it can be said, he at least wasn’t willing to totally capitalize on the Bolt’s loss.  He didn’t play Cutler, who would have earned him 43 points and locked up player of the week.  Yes, he beat his enemy, but at what cost, Commish wonders?  War is truly hell.   And then there’s Little Buhr.  Ed Hochuli cost him and the Chargers a win.  Or was it Shayne Graham and his zero points?  (My how Commish laughed out loud when he saw Graham unceremoniously dumped before even the waiver wire selections were announced.)  Or was it holdover Braylon Edwards and his measely 3 points?  Whatever it was, please tell me someone filmed Little Buhr watching the end of that Charger’s game and realizing all the repercussions.  Please.  Someone.  If Gabe went Shatner, Commish is pretty sure Little Buhr went Thousand Yard Stare followed shortly by Fetal.   Huzzah MLOM!  You can’t make this kind of stuff up.

Fun Fact: The Rat Pack break the tie, going 7-6 all-time against Little Buhr.

(Before we get to the awards, Commish apologizes for the relative uncreativity of the Fun Facts this week and will try to spice them up as the season progresses.  This was a tough workweek for Commish.  (I realize most of you are thinking, after seeing me hang loose in SD, ‘this guy actually works?’ Alas, it’s true, and I was a beaten man this week).  That said, I’ve been toying with adding another award to the list below, called “Bad Coaching move of the week”.  I couldn’t come up with a good example this week (benching McFadden didn’t seem to be enough, the Canucks still won, who could’ve known, etc.), so I didn’t include it, but I like the idea.  We could even call it the “Gabriel Buhr Honorary Bad Coaching Move of the Week Award” in ode to the worst coaching move of all time in MLOM history, that of course being the benching of Marshall Faulk – a Hall of Fame back in his prime on a blistering offense mind you – for a game back in 2001.  “Reason” justifying the benching: He is playing against the oh-my-god-they’re-so-scary Miami Defense.  It all happened back in week 3 of the 2001 season (I looked it up).  Faulk only ended up with 88 yards rushing, 72 yard receiving, and 3 total TDs, so good call on that Miami Defense.  To be fair, Los Pescas still won that game, 82-74 over PPR, but still man, utterly ridiculous.  One of my favorite moments in MLOM history.  Anyway, let me know what you think about said award – I’m serious about wanting to include it – and that wasn’t just an excuse to retell that “Marshall Faulk benching” story.

And now on to the awards…

Player of the Week:

Aaron Rodgers, 33.80 points

With all eyes on him after the departure of Favre..uh Brady from the Packers – uh, Defenders, no one thought he could live up to that kind of pressure, and he delivered in a big way, sealing the easy victory for the Defenders and getting the squad out of a seven game skid.

(Runner Up:  Boldin – Receivers over 30 points deserve special mention.)

Game of the Week:  The Rat Pack defeat The Poo Fish

Looks like I’ve finally given in to the fact that Little Buhr’s team is actually called the Poo Fish.  Regardless, comparing this to the other week 2 games in terms of picking the Game of the Week is like comparing Papa Stup’s physical strength to some kid named Chris’s.  It’s not even close.

Team of the Week: The GBP

Jonny G’s boys rocket to the number one slot in the league on the backs of two strong games and in week 2 record the first official “Blow Up” of the 2008 MLOM Fantasy Season.  Another no-brainer here.  Congrats to the Green Bowl Pack.

Coach of the Week: Norm Hamson

On the heels of the Brady injury, Norm pulls in a potential superstar free-agent to lead his team to victory, in the process ending the now infamous 7-game losing streak.  Strong work.

(Runner Up:  Iwan Thomas – nice pick up on Scheffler, strong win for the canucks.  If only he hadn’t sat McFadden…)

Goat of the Week:

New angle for this week.  I’m going to leave it to a vote in the comments.  Here are the choices (No write-ins allowed);

-Jeremy Shockey (negative 0.53 points – good for worst score of the week)

-Larry Johnson (1.83 points – against the Raiders?!)

-Delhomme 2.42 points (Dude that’s my Quarterback…)

-Braylon Edwards 3.63 points (from a holdover in a 5 point Poo Fish loss…)

-Ed Hochuli (Cost the Chargers and the Brown Trout a win)

Winner is the selection with the most votes in the comments, ties broken by Commish!

With that, I’m out – Good luck to all teams (except the Birdmen) next week!

Commish Mick


Commish Notes – Week 1

Welcome Back.  With the long and dreary off-season and bittersweet preseason finally behind us, this past week marked the start of another beautiful football season.  And commish couldn’t be more pleased.

First a hearty thanks to all who made another Best Day Ever possible, from Papa Roston hosting to everyone participating with minimal hiccups.  Not sure whether to thank or banish Eron for the thong debacle, but no matter happened that day (and no matter what horrid visuals from that afternoon can never be unseen) it was plain to see that everyone was having a blast – a fact as clearly visible as Eryn’s pasty asscheeks were in that unholy get-up he was sporting.

And with that, let’s dive right in, and get on with the show.

But first – the whores!

Or rather, the games.

It was a rivalry week for the most part in MLOM in week 1 – just the way the Commish likes it.  With 3 games documentable as clear-cut rivalries (btw, since Jonny G is too nice a guy to spark a real rivalry, it means we are in essence limited to 4 rivalry games max in a week, so 3 ain’t bad)  it was a great way to sass up the opening week of the season.  Let’s review.

LT’s Crackheeds 113.57 over Crazy Canucks 86.00

A classic tecmo and MLOM rivalry started the season off right, with now 5 crowns of experience poured into this continuing epic struggle.  Last year’s champ Canucks struggle mostly in part from awful TE and Defense play, with Todd “Garbage” Heap (-2.17 points) making a very strong  (repeat, VERY strong) case for goat of the week (his final stat line: 1 catch, 5 yards, 1 fumble.  He also dropped a touchdown on a different play.  Strong work).  The Heeds come on solid and look sharp despite an utter disaster of an outing (barely 6 points combined) from easily the league’s worst receiving corp.  Regardless, they seem to have plenty of firepower at other positions.   No better way to open the season than getting a key division win against the reigning champs.

Fun Stat:  This was the 13th (recorded) regular season meeting of these two teams (most frequent rivalry), with the overall edge now narrowly in favor of the Heeds, 7-6.

Fightin Birdmen 83.86 over Mormon Defenders 52.50

Yikes.  What’s that Commish hears?  The Defenders’ season snapping apart like so many mangled Brady knee ligaments?  Lost in the shuffle of this epic injury is the fact that Norm’s team is now Defending not only the Momon Church but also a seven-game losing streak going back to the tail end of last season.  Yeesh.  The obvious Brady issue aside, this a team that look completely disheartened  and flat in week 1.  Only 2 players in double digits and an overall performance good for 7th worst all-time in league history.  Looks like it’s time for the Defenders to start praying.   On the other side of the ball, the Birdmen didn’t look especially good, either.  Rather, they were simply in the right place at the right time, doing just enough to win.  But hey, it counts.   And in the process they notch up their 6th win against the Defenders, taking them to 6-3 all-time in the “Biggest Computer Nerd” rivalry in MLOM, and making the Defenders their most dominated opponent, winning-percentage-wise.

Fun Fact:  This game is good for 4th lowest scoring game (combined points) of all time.

Cobra Kai 128.68 over The Gang 65.74

No Mercy indeed.  Let’s suppose that Fwats was only allowed to use his two starting running backs and no one else in this game.  He’d be in trouble then, right?  Wrong.  In fact, if that were the case, the final tally would be 66.73 to 65.74, and this game would still remain a victory for the action-oriented Cobra Kai Dojo.  Despite only 0.41 points from potential uber-flop Carson Palmer, the Kai Clan still manage to come out smoking, leaving the rest of us to wonder how Fwats could have drafted so well.  (One thought:  Fwats was the only manager not going blind staring at Eryn’s thong-escaping pubes for the first six rounds of the draft.)   And for the Gang?  Let’s just say they might be having some trouble adjusting to life post-Peyton.   And the worst part?  They face him in a Birdmen uniform this week.

Fun Stat:  This is only the 4th time in league history PPR’s Gang has dropped a “stink bomb”  (Game scoring less than 70 points).

Los Pescaderos 96.91 over The Brown Trout 83.84

Ah, brother sweet brother.  It seems pyscho Buhr still has some tricks up his sleeve when it comes to dealing with little Buhr.   This game signified a very workmanlike performance for Los Pescas, nothing special but a win nevertheless, which in the end is all that matters.  He will certainly need some help at quarterback.  (McNabb for Megatron anyone?)  On the other side, there’s little Buhr, who went from “Dude – I LOVE my team – it’s SO good” to “Dude, my team is SO bad, I’m pissed” in the span of 3 days, one of the most impressive turnarounds ever.  His “vaunted” receiving corps didn’t quite deliver, and in reality 2 of his 4 decent performances came from players he just traded for, leaving many to wonder just how bad did he actually draft?!   Time will tell.

Fun Stats:  The Brown Trout didn’t score this low ONCE in 2007.  Justin still has the edge in this series all-time in recorded history, at 6 to 4 wins.

The Green Bowl Packers 97.64 over the Rat Pack 97.53

Look no further for the Game of the Week, because it happened right here.  The 0.11 point win in dramatic Monday Night fashion is really what MLOM is all about.   Strike up the music, and go have some fun, because Jonny G’s Steeler-heavy pass attack in conjunction with Philly’s Brian Westbrook paid heavy dividends in some sort of bizarre, fantasy football variant on the Pennsylvania Polka.  For Eron, a tough loss.  Hard to find the blame really, since a mere TWO more yards from any one player other than the QB would have sealed the win.  Still, Commish is looking sternly in Chris Cooley’s direction after a serious let down.  Hey Chris, what size goat horns do you wear?

Fun Stat:  This is the first opening day win for the GBP since 2001!  (Keeping in mind 2003 is not in recorded history for this type of stat).

OK, and now for some awards:
Game of the Week:  The GBP defeat the Rat Pack

Too easy.  Commish can still recall Eryn frantically texting Little Burh between rides at Disneyland to find out the status of this game on Monday night.  Oh, by the way, this is the second closest game in league history.

Player of the Week:  Drew Brees 32.88 points

Other potential candidates include “The Burner” with more points and even Fast Willie but in Commish’s opinion, Brees leading the Crackheeds to a decisive victory against his old team and the former champs is too much to pass up.  Well done Drew – you can take the cork-black off the right side of your face now.

Team of the week: Cobra Kai

A no-brainer here.  Despite the disappearance of Carson Palmer, this “headless” warrior of a team did as advertised in week 1 – showed no mercy.

Coach of the Week:  Fwats X

The week 1 coach of the week is really a shout out to a solid draft, and again all eyes are on Fwats here.  Even with Brandon Marshall on the sidelines for this week, this team had it’s shit together, and put up a league certified Beat Down Victory (Win by more than 40 points), the franchise’s 9th.

Goat of the Week:

It is hard, and I mean really hard to ignore the sweet, sweet stat line of Todd “Scrap” Heap here.  Again, the awesome numbers were 1 catch for 5 yards, a fumble (on that play), and a dropped TD catch, totalling a whopping negative 2.17 fantasy points, which is ridiculously hard for a tight end to do.  As far as Commish is concerned, Heap should be investigated for flagrant point-shaving after that debacle.  That said, Commish feels he has to crown Chris Cooley (1 catch, 7 yards) as the official Goat of the week, because his lackluster performance, after being the 5th TE off the board mind you, essentially cost his team a win.  Chris, come get your horns.


Good luck to everyone next week!

Commish


Coming Soon

Commish notes for week 1!

I’m back in Deutschland, victim of a combination of harsh jetlag and the standard post-vacation depression.  That said, I’m looking to pump out some commish notes by Thursday or Friday.  In general, expect the chatter around here to increase as “real life” resumes…

Commish