Something stinks in here. Something stinks bad. Something, is downright rotten.
And that something, my little Micks, is nearly half the teams in MLOM during week 3 of the 2008 season. FOUR stinkbombs this week?! FOUR?! That’s downright impressive in it’s awfulness. Did half the NFL players have a bye this week? What gives? There were so many stink bombs this week that one was even good enough to win! Commish didn’t even have to really look (though he did scan the low scoring 2001 season from top to bottom) to tell you that four stink bombs has never happened before in the same week ever in the history of MLOM. Oh, the shame, folks. The shame!
And, I can’t lie, it took Commish quite a serious effort to get these notes going this week. Commish had to dig himself out of a vast hole of self-loathing to even contemplate how to start. The Heeds are bad – REAL bad, and that’s no fun for Commish. But lucky for him – and not so lucky for a few other teams Commish might add – misery loves company. And you trust ole’ Commish, there was a lot of love this week in that respect. In fact, Commish bets that if the four stink-bombers simply join hands and harness the power of our respective shame spirals together, we can open up a collective black hole of shitty fantasy football the likes of which this league, nor any other league, has never seen.
On the other side of the coin, and there is one thankfully, there are some things to celebrate this week. One epic struggle, and one team – not so used to success of late – cashing in and looking like the real deal. It’s no surprise that amongst such massive amounts of filth the Rats would prosper. And this week they did.
But more on that later – let’s go back to the shame spirals a minute.
While wallowing in self-loathing, Commish thought it might be fun to do a little post-analysis on the trade he made at the beginning of this season. It’s not like Bush and Chambers are hot, right? Well, luckily Santonio Holmes has really hit his stride to justify the trade, right? Ah, good. Still a good, fair, balanced trade, a help to both teams right? Let’s look at the actual numbers:
Fantasy Points thru 3 weeks:
Chest Taylor: 19.30
And on the other side:
Reggie Bush: 69.73
Chris Chambers: 37.27
Seen enough? The lesson Commish has learned is: Never Trade.
(Slams head repeatedly into the table)
Moving on, there is one more thing that demands the general attention of the league in these here notes before we get down to specifics, and that is the complete domination by COBRA so far. Things haven’t been this bad for the Joes since Destro first got his Weather Dominator up and running and the world was plunged into chaos. There’s snow on the Sahara, folks, and right now it feels like the entire world is held hostage and Cobra Commander is currently on all TV stations demanding the free world’s surrender. Despite only being 2-1 in interleague play (that’s right only 3 games between divisions so far), one per week, Cobra is hot, hot, hot. ALL FIVE Cobra teams are outscoring all five GI Joe teams – it’s just ridiculous. The real test is week 4 coming up, with all games being inter-divisional. We’ll see what happens. In Commish’s eyes, this is playing out just like a GI Joe episode. Cobra cooks up a nasty surprise, gets the upper hand, and then – WHAM – Joe comes along to save the day. The only problem with this theory is that the current Joe teams are playing more like Bazooka and Dialtone, and less like Snake Eyes and Duke. But let’s remember something here – before COBRA members get too high on themselves – and do a quick crown count. Yup, like I thought. Joe 7, Cobra 2. See you on the field this week boys. Go Joe!
On to the Week 3 Games:
Fightin’ Birdmen 97.97 over LT’s Crackheeds 62.68
Here we see the first and second-smelliest of the bathroom-clearing stink bombs, courtesy of the commish’s own Heeds. We’ll get to them in a second. For the victorious Adman, however, consider this another workmanlike just-get-it-done win for the Birdmen, who appear to be big on wins if not on points this season. Commish thought his boys might roll down easy street in this game once he saw he was facing not one but two Chiefs in the opposing line-up. As it turns out, those two Chiefs put up nearly enough points to match the entire Crackheed Team minus Drew Brees (no shit, it was Bowe/Johnson 29.95, Heeds minus Brees 32.64). And any time two Chiefs can slap around your team like a bunch of ninnies, it’s time to hit the waiver wire hard and maybe, just maybe go try and find Jesus (trust me, I may or may not have wandered out into the rain after this performance with my arms spread and face to the sky asking “Why? WHY?!?”). Tomlinson, to his credit, picked a good week to finally activate. And what about the Heeds? Yikes, they’re in trouble – that’s what. Peterson is already hurt and so that should be fun week in and week out. The Heeds receiving corp at this point might be the worst in the history of MLOM. And Commish is still scratching his head over how a man can throw for over 400 yards and only have 1 TD. Commish wasn’t sure it was physically possible until Brees somehow managed to do it. Truth is, neither one of these teams is giving Commish the warm and fuzzy.
Fun Fact: The Birdmen move to 6-7 all-time against the Heeds in Regular season play. LT’s Crackheeds 62.68 points this week is the worst in franchise history.
The Rat Pack 128.13 over the Mormon Defenders 91.93
Well how about that sassy Rat Pack? Call Commish crazy but he’s going to label them the league’s hottest team right now as they continue to romp around the league, devouring every opponent in sight. Cutler has turned into the potential steal of the draft, Lynch is a man-beast, Chicago D has regained some of it’s old swagger, the receivers are hot – everything is going well for this team except maybe Stephen Jackson and Chris Cooley, and even those guys ain’t chopped liver (except for Cooley – week 1 goat, cock blog, etc.). In fact, if it weren’t for 0.11 points (second closest margin ever, by the way) in week 1, then this Rat Pack team would be 3-0 and on top of the world. Commish likes what he sees here, makes no mistake. And so should the rest of the league – it could mean no more thong. And for Norm this is simply an average loss. Not a terrible game, and playing a hot team. Not much else to say. Norm, as was seen last week, has recovered nicely from the Brady nightmare, and looks to have a few ups and downs along the way. On the plus side, Aaron Rodgers continues to look promising, and you know that one week MJD and Chris Johnson will combine for something like 450 yards and 6 TDs against the right opponents. So far the biggest question mark on this team looks to be Roy “no fun to have on my fantasy team because he’s so talented yet unreliable” Williams. The biggest threat to Norm’s team? It’s Lendale White – he keeps stealing Johnson’s touchdowns.
Fun Fact: The Rat Pack move to 5-3 all-time against the Mormon Defenders. The Rat Pack haven’t scored this high since Week 2 of the 2007 season.
The Gang 69.34 over Crazy Canucks 67.24
Let us all now bow our heads in shame. Ugh. What else can be said but ugh? Welcome to Special Olympics Fantasy Football. Commish supposes that technically The Gang “win” this game but everyone needs to keep in mind that in another, more accurate way, both of these teams lose. In fact the whole league loses just by bearing witness here. Yes, this one was a toilet bowl for the ages. How much so? Let’s look. The combined points of this game total exactly 136.58 points, good enough for fourth place on the all-time lowest scores list. BUT, the top three all come from the 2001 season, when scoring rules tended to be much lower and bonuses did not exist. And with that in mind – this game is only ONE total point off of being second lowest scoring all-time. (Fact is, as high as this game is on the list, we may never see another game like Rat Pack vs. Cobra Kai, week 7 of 2001, only 126 combined points…) It’s certainly the worst, by far, of the “modern scoring” era in MLOM. Furthermore, this is the only game in recorded MLOM history where BOTH teams are under 70 points. Folks, that’s impressive. Shockingly, Commish might have expected this sort of performance from anyone – save the Canucks – who only have 1 other stinkbomb in their team history, tops in the league until now (the Poo Fish also only have 2 of these). The Gang only had three others. Well hats off to them, too – they just earned their fourth. Want more fun facts from this game? Sure, let’s keep going. The Canuck RB production totaled exactly 2.50 points – possibly the worst non-injury related scoring from a pair of RBs in MLOM history. The Gang’s contribution to the stank? How about a negative EIGHT point performance from the New England Defense, at home against Miami. My God that smells bad. Let Commish summate this way – when the best thing about this game is the performance of Julius Jones, you know it’s pure shit.
Fun Fact: The Gang move to 6-4 all-time against the Canucks. The only worse game in Canucks history was a week 10, 2006 loss to Cobra Kai (64.86 points).
The Poo Fish 82.40 over the GBP 56.87
From one toilet bowl to the next. This one may not look as bad on paper, but let Commish assure you that the approximately 139 total points you see before you are clearly in the top ten of worst games ever. The blow is cushioned only by the game above this. But make no mistake, this game stinks almost as bad as the game before it, and lurking somewhere in the depths of this stank-fog, is the vilest, smelliest, nausea-inducing performance of them all. Someone needs to tell Jonny G that the hit-the-brakes-and-they’ll-fly-right-by move works much better for fighter pilots then fantasy football teams. And the Poo Fish, in a resounding bizarro move, dont’ score much at all but claim an actual win rather than pulling their trademark scoring of a million points only to lose to another, somehow hotter team. What is MLOM coming to? Big Ben has to take some of the fall for this disaster for Jonny G. Typically you expect more than negative 3 points out of your 3rd round draft pick, but Commish could be mistaken. (Though, in Ben’s defense, I’m not sure Pittsburgh fielded an offensive line in this game.) And Brian Westbrook’s injury didn’t help any either. The dynamic Pennsylvania Polka that so enamored MLOM in week 1 seems a distant memory now. Which begs, the question, did Jonny G’s boys shoot their wad too fast this year? Six more weeks of Winter? For the Poo Fish, there is nothing spectacular here obviously but frankly put – they’ll take it. They are the last team in MLOM to get a win but one could argue that desite that fact this was their worst game. Go figure. This Fish team is hard to figure – one of the few amusements Commish has left is thinking about just how bad this team might be, after Romo, if Little Buhr hadn’t landed Bush and Chambers in that deal. (Of course, then Commish recalls that it was he who made that awful deal and he straight weeps). And just for the record, while Commish is piling on Little Buhr, I might add that Braylon Edwards remains firmly atop the least productive non-injured holdover board, cumulating a total of 8.87 points (and 9 drops) through 3 weeks of the season. He’s making a strong case for goat of the quarter.
Fun Fact: Little Buhr moves to 5-6 all-time against Jonny G. The GBP haven’t scored this low since week 13, 2004 (56.02 points against Cobra Kai).
Los Pescaderos 124.34 over Cobra Kai 122.62
After so much stank this week, why not end on a high note? And if there’s one pure high note in MLOM this week, it’s this game. Monday Night Madness redefined. The last play of the last game of the week determining the outcome of the game? You can’t make that up, folks. That’s why we show up year after year. The last-second interception by the Charger’s “dee” is the difference between first place and sixth right now, and nothing more. Wow. It’s hard to imagine a team with four 20+ point players taking a loss, but as Fwats’ll tell ya – it happens, especially when the guy on the other side does the same thing but just a little bit better. Looks like the Pittsburgh offense line might be accountable for two losses this week, doing in both Jonny G and Fwats. And at some point the Giants decided there was no need to cover Houshmandzadeh any longer, a fact that had both Fwats and Papa Stup in an obvious tizzy. Also what were the odds of Matt Jones outplaying TO? Wow. Regardless, the back and forths on this game could be on and on – the bottom line is that both of these teams (the two top drafted teams as per the Commish Draft Grades (Tm) I might add) seem to be the squads to beat, here in the early going. Gabe gets plus points for having the best trash-talk to date as well. Oh yeah – he’s got the swagger. And even though Fwats doesn’t take home the win, he’s still in superb position to charge ahead and lead Cobra. Yes he’s relegated to sixth place now, but like Destro he’s biding his time. The highest scoring team in the league won’t be in sixth place for long. For the rest of the league – it’ll be no mercy.
Fun Fact: Gabe improves to just 4-8 all-time against Fwats.
It goes without saying that every touchdown Ronnie Brown amassed on Sunday while on the bench was like an Ivan Drago haymaker right to Little Buhr’s unshielded dome. There’s nothing left to do except shake our heads about it, and of course create a new weekly award! And here it is:
The first-ever Ronnie Brown Award for “Most agonizing player to have on your bench” goes to:
Ronnie Brown, of course. May his 44.40 point game be a constant reminder that Fantasy Football is truly, truly, a harsh mistress.
Player of the Week:
TJ Houshmandzadeh – 24.73 points. Final Stat Line: 12 catches for 146 yards, 1 TD. This monster performance by Housh was easily the difference in the game of the week, so hat’s off.
Runner up: Reggie Bush – 26 points (Most points of the week, but not as essential to victory as that above).
Team of the Week:
The Rat Pack
Top Score of the week, and riding a two-game win streak. Also they’re the second highest scoring team of the week, and that’s especially impressive for the Pack, who have NEVER finished even in the top half of scoring in a single season. Also I might add that the Roston boys are both hot, going 4-0 the past two weeks. Only E-ron has done it in oh-so-slightly more impressive fashion. Commish hat’s off!
Runner up: Los Pescas – Gotta love the Psycho Buhr Swagger right now….
Game of the Week:
Los Pescas versus Cobra Kai
Monday Night Madness. High Scoring Game. Last Play of the Game. Nuff Said.
Bad Coaching Move of the Week:
|Sep 17 3:22pm||New England (NE – DEF)||Add||Free Agents||The Gang|
Good Coaching Move of the Week:
|Sep 17 4:25pm||Trent Edwards (Buf – QB)||Add||Free Agents||Los Pescaderos|
Coach of the Week:
Good coaching move of the week? Check. Optimal line-up played this week? Check. Won the Game of the Week? Check. Sweet effing trash talk so far? Check. Yup, this one was easy.
(And there’s a lesson here, folks, for the rest of you – spice up your trash talk to get on Commish’s good side and win a few awards. Keeping your lame “Cheese Pizza” trash talk for 3 weeks too long? Yeah, that’s dumb. Schooling said lame trash talk in the side-smack talk bar? Yeah that wins points every time. Gabe – you’re hot. Commish wants you.)
Goat of the Week:
Before we announce this week’s goat, let’s give a special hand to last weeks’ voter-favorite goat – Braylon Edwards. Congrats Braylon.
Tough call this week with so much toilet action going on, but Commish can’t look past two players. One is the New England Defense, weighing in at a solid negative EIGHT fucking points, at home, versus Miami. That is simply staggering. Worst score ever? It’s bad, all right, but the Gang still one the game, and frankly it’s no fun calling out a “team defense” as a goat of the week. Oh Commish it’ll do it, if put to the test, but not this week. No, this week’s honor goes to Big Ben.
Ben Roethlisberger: -3.62 points Final Stat Line: 13 of 25, 131 yards, 0 TDs, 1 pick, 2 fumbles lost.
Impressive work for Big Ben. That’s a third round pick folks. The fifth QB off the board. The damage? Second worst loss in GBP history, worst score of the worst week in MLOM history. Ben, buddy, come get your horns.
Well, that’s it. Or is it? Aw shit, let’s keep going. A quick look at the Commish Power Rankings by Tiers:
Top Tier (in no particular order)
-Los Pescas (Tude, swagger, points, trash talk)
-Cobra Kai (highest scoring team, just waiting to bust out on the standings)
-Rat Pack (LIfe has never been this good for the Pack)
Middle Tier (in no particular order)
-GBP (Injuries, Pitt O-line woes make this team uncertain)
-Mormon Defenders (Something tells commish these guys might do some damage)
-Crazy Canucks (last year’s champs might be able to get to 500…)
Bottom Tier (in no particular order)
-Crackheeds (10th place. It’s the receiving core stupid.)
-Birdmen (Points could be a problem)
-The Gang (Enjoy second place while it lasts, then enjoy Matt Cassel at QB)
-The Poo Fish (Stole some of Heeds best players – still can’t get it together yet)
And now that’s it. Good luck to all teams in Week 4 – the battle for Inter-Division Supremacy!