Commish Notes Week 4
The NFL season just turned the quarter pole and we here in MLOM have finished about a third of the regular season. MLOM highlights this past week included the revenge of MI-6 in the inter-divisional games, a holy shit game from Mitchell’s Marauders, and those damn Canucks just keep on rollin’ (I wonder if Iwan is constantly walking around doing that old Culpepper “keep on rollin’” move with his arms. You know the one Dante always did back when the Vikings were good, or at least when he could constantly throw it deep to a young Randy Moss and fool you into thinking HE was good? And if you’re wondering if I’m just trying to jinx the Canuck by comparing his team to Culpepper in some way, the answer is yes.) The narrative of our beloved league continues weaving itself week in and week out, and people, I couldn’t be more fired up.
Here are my other thoughts on this past week:
As Gabe foretold, my Crackheeds and I were “Megafucked” this week, and it hurt a bunch, but you know what? It also felt kind of good.
If you’re going to lose, you might as well lose to Megatron. Am I wrong?
You see, Megatron is awesome. Now I know what you’re thinking – whoops, Papa Stup genes coming out there stating the obvious and all. But apparently not everyone gets the message. It turns out that before the Lions/Cowboys game Rob Ryan (defensive coordinator of the cowboys, brother of Rex, part-time pirate, and full time moron) said something along the lines of “Calvin Johnson would be the third best receiver on this team”. Whoa, whoa, whoa there jackass, hold the fuck on. Excuse me? Oh no you effing dittn’t! Unbelievable. Folks, I can honestly say without hyperbole that that statement by Rob Ryan was the single stupidest thing any human being has ever said in the history of human civilization. Re-watch that highlight if you disagree. Look at it this way: If a team’s receiving corps consisted of Calvin Johnson, Jesus, Spider-Man, and Jerry Rice in 1994, Johnson would be no worse than that team’s SECOND best receiver. Believe me. I now hate Rob Ryan.
Send in the Clowns?
Lots of talk about clowns this week, mostly from Eryn, who posted this Real Men clip up as his smack-talk, which really bothered me because I had planned on using it here before he even mentioned it. Great clip from an underrated movie that Fwats and I used to quote non-stop in high school. What does it have to do with MLOM? Not sure, something about 009 being killed, dressed as a clown, or whatever. Just watch it:
“Who are those clowns?”
On to the awards:
Game of the Week
The Rat Pack (111.39 points) over The Gang (108.91 points)
Tough call on this game vs. the Pescas/Crackheeds game but in the end I’ll give the edge to the slightly closer game that featured the ever compelling father vs. son drama. (I imagine an angry family dinner with a lot of dramatic glass shattering eventually culminating in shouts of “YOU’RE NOT MY FATHER!” followed shortly by “I HAVE NO SON.”) Eron was able to pull out a close victory despite benching a 35-point Vick performance (right before trading him) as well as a 21-point Gore performance (good luck seeing that again this season). Brady came down to earth in this game (just 20.39 points) and though Nicks exploded, PPR was undone by another one of his receivers, Anquan Boldin, who couldn’t score five measly points in what turned out to be a slop-fest on Sunday night and who as a result might just be fitted for goat horns a little later in these notes. It’s also interesting to think that the Stafford to Megatron connection, dormant in the first half of the Lions/Cowboys game, eventually got white hot and led to both close victories this week, Stafford coming up big for Eron and Megatron for Gabe.
Players of the Week
Aaron Rodgers, Crazy Canucks 57.57 points, 29 of 38, 408 yards, 4 TD, 1 Int, 9 rush, 36 yards, 2 TD
I’m not sure if any one player has ever broken 60 points before (possibly Michael Vick on MNF vs. the Redskins last year, or Brady in 2007?) but this might be the all-time single best fantasy performance we just witnessed last week. Four passing TDs, two rushing TDs, and 400-plus yards. If not for that lone pick, he would have dropped an official 60-burger. It’s like Kurt Warner combining with Michael Vick over here. Forget Iwan’s receivers, running backs, tight ends, or whatever, the Canucks will always be dangerous with Rodgers playing at this level. This week Rodgers was so good, it leads us to….
(Costacos Brothers Poster of the Week)
(Oddly enough, this somehow isn’t the most homoerotic of posters I plan on showing this year, but damn it’s good and overall probably my favorite. This poster cracks me up on so many levels I don’t know where to start. I have no idea what the General Blade reference is, but I do know that Jim Everett means fucking business with that sword in his hand and his old center resting his arms protectively on Everett’s right shoulder. He is not to be fucked with here. Tom Newberry on the left looks just a tad gay and has a giant bomb labeled “SF” in his arms while nearby on the ground Irv Pankey has a giant penis gun in hand and a haunted, shameful look in his eyes. The other guy on the ground, “Smith”, has some sort of rocket-propelled-grenade-like sex toy and looks mindlessly ready to cram it up somebody’s ass at the slightest provocation. Hall of Fame tackle Jackie Slater, upper right, is the only one who retains even a shred of dignity here, and that’s being generous. (In fact, scratch that. The word “dignity” is not to be mentioned in a description of this poster.) All in all, this piece is beautiful, terrible, and hilarious – a masterpiece of the Costacos Brother collection, and only a performance such as that of Aaron Rodgers this week could possibly be mentioned in the same breath, much less worthy of its honor. Enjoy.)
Matt Forte, Mitchell’s Marauders, 29.62 points, 205 rush yards, 1 TD, 4 rec for 23 yards
Forte has quietly been a beast thus far this year. He’s currently third in RB scoring behind only LeSean McCoy and McFadden. (Get that, a couple of “Mc’s” leading Mick’s League O’ Micks!) At just 30 dollars on draft day, he has been the best bargain of any of the high profile backs and one of the keys to the Marauder’s early success.
Hakeem Nicks, The Gang, 24.80 points, 10 receptions, 162 yards, 1 TD
Nicks had a slow start thanks to an injury but has come on of late and started to look like one of those receivers who’s open even when he’s covered. He’s exactly the sort of bailout receiver that Eli Manning needs. Papa Stup agrees, even if he can’t stop calling him “Hicks”.
Jimmy Graham, The Rat Pack, 22.80 points, 10 receptions for 132 yards, 1 TD
Jimmy Graham appears to be the latest addition to the mutant, huge and fast and uncoverable tight end fad. Through four weeks he is second amongst tight ends in scoring (60 points), behind only Gronk (62). The two of them are in a class 10 points above all other tight ends, and Graham appears to be the only dependable weapon in the Saints receiving corps, aside from Darren Sproles of course.
Team of the Week
Mitchell’s Marauders, 173.60 points
With a team score this week good enough for sixth all-time on the best ever single performances in route to another victory and the continuation of their undefeated season, Mitchell’s Marauders are clearly the team of the week. Not only did they continue their high level of play, they also silenced their doubters who had questioned their ability to play tough against the potentially superior Enemies of the Crown division. (The only downside is that IF they had played their optimal line-up, they would have had 187.53 points, good enough for the best score ever. Which begs the question, who left that record on the table? Bob or Fwats?)
Coach of the Week
Iwan Thomas, Crazy Canucks
We’re four weeks in and the worst performance the Canucks have put up is 139 points in Week 2. Iwan has taken the draft grades and draft day taunts about his team and shoved them up the collective league’s ass, coming out on fire in route to his third straight 4-0 start. I don’t know if he’ll sustain the pace (he can’t, right?), but with Welker anchoring his suddenly scary WR corps and Rodgers doing his thing on a weekly basis, the Canucks are a force to be reckoned with and Iwan is the man behind it. Iwan, as of right now it’s your league, and we’re just living in it.
Goat of the Week
Anquan Boldin, The Gang, 2.37 points, 1 catch, 28 yards
The candidates this week include mostly guys who played small and as a result their teams (LT’s Crackheeds, The Gang) lost close games. I looked at Gronk (just 1 catch), Brandon Marshall (dropped a TD catch), and Boldin. I chose Boldin mostly because of the timing (all he needed on Sunday night was a very pedestrian 5 points to beat the Rat Pack) and also because someone must pay for that offensive fiasco in the Balt/NYJ game. Sorry Anquan, you’re one tough motherfucker in general (though not as tough as Iwan), but this week you have to come get your horns.
Enemies of the Crown – 4 Wins
MI-6 – 4 wins
Kudos to the MI-6 division for leading a coordinated strike this week to even up things in the inter-division war. With M frazzled the first few weeks, MI-6 finally got their act together and put up a 4-1 record against the Enemies of the Crown, just in time to either a)stop a nuclear device from going off in downtown Amsterdam or b)quell most of the talk of the Enemies being the superior fantasy football division. I’m not sure which. With the Canucks the only team to escape with a victory, let’s take a look at each performance this week.
Mitchell’s Marauders (173.60) over Fightin’ Birdmen (126.03)
Performance reminiscent of:
Sean Connery in Goldfinger
Just a master display by one of the best.
The Brown Trout (112.60) over The Mormon Defenders (94.80)
Performance reminiscent of:
Daniel Craig in Quantum of Solace
Lesser work from an otherwise very good Bond. Blunt, but effective.
Los Pescaderos (115.32) over LT’s Crackheeds (112.19)
Performance reminiscent of:
Pierce Brosnan in Goldeneye
Elegant and effective. The best work of a middle tier Bond who looked the part more than owned the part.
The Rat Pack (111.39) over The Gang (108.91)
Performance reminiscent of:
Roger Moore in The Spy Who Loved Me.
We’ve seen better work from this middle of the road Bond, but he’s still effective enough here to get it done.
And then the Canucks. The lone winner for the Enemies of the Crown division. His win was sponsored by:
Max Zorin! (Villain From “A View To a Kill”)
More on Zorin, courtesy of Wikipedia:
Zorin was born in Dresden around the end of the Second World War, after which Dresden became part of East Germany. He later moved to France and became a leading French businessman, operating on the microchip market. However, it is revealed later in the movie that he was the product of Nazi medical experimentation during World War II, in which pregnant women were injected with massive quantities of steroids in an attempt to create “super-children.” Most of the pregnancies failed. The few surviving babies grew to become extraordinarily intelligent—but also psychopathic.
Zorin is extremely sadistic and displays a near-total lack of loyalty to his own men, as shown when he oversaw the execution of a Soviet spy who attempted to sabotage his oil well operations and when he personally massacred hundreds of his own mine workers to ensure the success of his own plans. Despite his long-standing and intimate relationship with his right hand woman May Day, he willingly sacrifices her for the sake of his plans, although this betrayal would backfire horribly on him later on.
May Day, eh? Well, we do know that Iwan digs the black chicks.
Slap Chop Official Power Rankings
With Iwan’s continued dominance (which hinges more or less completely on Rodgers and Welker but hey at this point who cares?), the Canucks retain the top spot. Mitchell’s Marauders went ape this week and Papa Roston fell in a close game to his son, so those two flip spots, putting the Marauders right near the top just in time for a game of the century of the week between the undefeated Canucks and Marauders. The Crackheeds lost but retain a five hundred record and their fourth place in scoring and hence their fourth place in the Power Rankings. The wheeling and dealing Rat Pack move into fifth place after a gutty win and a few trades – as of right now I like their moxie. I had a real hard time deciding who was better between The Brown Trout and Los Pescaderos – I gave the nod to Gabe’s boys because of their extra win and because they have Megatron who is the best player in the goddam league holy shit he is so good. The Birdmen continue their slow climb out of the cellar this week thanks to the continued development of Cam Newton and their inspired 126-point performance (third best this week) in defeat. The GBP are the big losers this week, all the way down to ninth because of Rivers inability to capitalize on a cake schedule, Mendenhall’s bum hamstring, and the fact that without a spectacular performance from their receivers they seem to have no hope of winning. The Defenders remain in last place, but I think the acquisition of Michael Vick might bring this team back into the fold.
Last Week’s Ranks:
6)The Rat Pack
7)The Brown Trout
Updated Power Rankings:
1)Crazy Canucks (4-0)
2)Mitchell’s Marauders (4-0)
3)The Gang (2-2)
4)LT’s Crackheeds (2-2)
5)The Rat Pack (2-2)
6)Los Pescaderos (2-2)
7)The Brown Trout (1-3)
8)The Fightin’ Birdmen (1-3)
9)The GBP (1-3)
10)Mormon Defenders (1-3)
-Because of the heavy inter-divisional stuff this week I laid off on the in depth explanation of the Power Rankings and my thoughts about each team, which we tend to cover in the podcast anyway.
-The Podcast this week will feature Little Buhr and we should be taping Friday evening with a late Friday night or early Saturday morning release, if all goes as planned.
-In general I’m trying to push the publishing of both the notes and the podcast up in the week if possible. By the time both are done on Saturday I feel like people have already sort of moved on to the next week. That said, we’re doing the best we can here. These notes take no less than four hours (and often longer given my slow writing/editing pace) to compile per week and the podcasts seem to be more fun on the weekends when I’m not limited by a 7 pm bedtime. We make do, I guess. Again, comments, feedback, suggestions, even negative are all welcome. I can certainly cut these notes out if people prefer to hear the podcast only.
Good luck to all teams this week,