Commish Notes – Week 5
And the season rolls on…
Week 5 wasn’t great in terms of match-ups in either the real NFL or right here in MLOM either. In fantasy terms Week 5 will be remembered as the week the X-Men brought their A-game and wiped the floor with the Brotherhood of Mutants, the extra time training in the Danger Room appearing to have paid off. In the end it was a clean sweep.
In the real NFL, there too occurred a series of beat downs in which a smattering of the league’s numerous awful teams were toyed with and then discarded, not unlike a hapless seal up against a playful and hungry orca.
And then there were games featuring two bad teams, like the Panthers and Redskins. Similarly, the Cleveland Clowns beat the Buffalo Jills in the one of the worst games Commish can recall. Times are indeed troubled when the “winning” quarterback (Derek “Jonbenet here!” Anderson) completed just 2 of 16 passes for 23 yards. (On the upside, Commish’s new boy Mohamed “Mamma Say Mamma Sah” Massaquoi caught one of those passes. He’s half the offense!)
2 for 17, 23 yards – Yup, my work is done here
It took Dallas overtime to beat the lowly Chiefs, but the last laugh was had by E-ron when Miles Austin became Miles AWESOME for a day and simply blew up. It’s just a shame the explosion was neatly contained on the Rat Pack bench. But really, let’s be honest here – that shit was all Romo – no really, you’re fine at QB Gabe.
TD run complete with Hines Ward smile impression
Score all day, score all night!
One of Commish’s favorite new hobbies on Sunday is coming up with more nicknames for Jamarcus Russell. Commish’s current top three are 1)Ja-Awful 2) Ja-Walrus, and 3)The Big Deuce (owing to his uniform number). To copy a phrase from the Sports Guy here, there’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and then there’s Ja-Walrus dropping back to pass.
“You suck, I’m going to punch you now.”
In the MLOM scene the streaking Rat Pack continue to fly high while the other Roston team, the Gang, continues to sink low. The Canucks nab their first loss, and Commish suspects that the once proud Yukon Warriors might have just come over the top a gigantic roller coaster – it’s nowhere but quickly down from here. (Can the re-animation of Braylon Edward’s corpse change that? We shall see.) The Commish’s own struggles continue as his team drops their fourth straight, with goose eggs and negative points galore. That said, the Heeds outscored every other Brotherhood Team this week. (Reading those last two sentences together provides a pretty good summary of the inter-division slaughter that happened this past week, btw.) The GBP continue to climb and sit smartly in second place behind the Rat Pack. The Cobra Kai continue their high point production (no doubt thanks to numerous Sensei Kreese beatings) and might have actually discovered how to win. The Brothers Buhr are jointly victorious and the Defenders need to continue praying. And the Birdmen lose and could be in trouble heading into Golden Boy Peyton Manning’s bye week.
Yup just another week in MLOM.
X-Men JAIL BREAK!
This week featured the second all-out war between the X-Men and the Brotherhood of Mutants and boy was it ugly. The X-Men up and kicked the crap out of their rivals, making it an official sweep. U-G-L-Y, Brutha’hood ain’t go no alibi – THEY UGLY! (clap clap clap) THEY UGLY! Only one X-Men team (The GBP) put up less points than any Brotherhood Team (and hence could have lost), and that score was less than 1 point from being victorious anyway. Commish certainly wouldn’t have wanted to be in the Brotherhood Locker Room at half time or worse, after the game. Magneto was certainly lashing out, throwing his red helmet, bending lockers with his powers, the whole bit. And Commish also heard that The Juggernaut sat there hulking on the bench glumly holding a notice stating that Commissioner Goodell wanted to see him pronto regarding a possible “steroid issue”. Nearby the Blob simply ate a sandwich and didn’t say too much. And it just got worse from there. In some ways it’s just not fair that Professor X can read minds. It really hurts a teams chance for successful play-calling.
Magneto broods in the wrecked locker room
With the 5-0 beat down, the X-Men grab a commanding lead of the inter-division war. They lead 10 victories to 3 at this point. The last two remaining 5 on 5 interdivision mutant brawls won’t occur until weeks 9 and 10. The other weeks, including this week, feature exactly one inter-division game apiece. This week it’s the Canucks vs. The Brown Heap. Remember there are 29 inter-division contests on the year, and the magic number to win the series is thus 15.
Last year the same division (then named Cobra) also started out hot, going 9-4 at this point but eventually sitting at 11-4 before struggling to claim the inter-division prize at 15-14. (Commish is sure we all recall the epic recap done by Fwats for that week 13 game between the Cobra Kai and the Birdmen.) So anything can happen. But the Brotherhood really needs to get its act together or we could have an epic slaughter on our hands.
Umm, Juggernaut, the Commish needs to see you. Can you pee in this cup first?
Inside the Numb3rs
In this episode, AGAIN, he breaks things down into numb3rs. Everything’s numb3rs, you see, even the stupid “E” in “Numb3rs”.
-First off Commish is ecstatic to report a HUGE finding in the archives! Somehow, some way, the 2003 season is now a fully archived season, meaning that the individual games are now present! Before all we had from that season were team records and total points. Now, each week is available (not sure how, or why now), which means that individual match ups can be looked at (for head to head record purposes, beat downs, stink bombs, blow ups, etc.), and so new highs and lows can emerge in the ledger of feats. This is huge! Commish has always hated the lack of the 2003 stats, and now, out of nowhere, they’re here. (For the record, 1999 (season 1) and 2000 (season 2) are still missing). Be assured, it will take a full season and offseason for Commish to process all this newly discovered information, but here are a couple of quick finds to whet the appetite:
-Congrats to Los Pescaderos, who no longer possess the worst game in MLOM league history. Hell, thanks to this treasure trove of new findings, they’re not even second or third worst anymore! The new all time low score in MLOM history belongs to…..(Drum Roll)
The Crazy Canucks! They who dropped an uber-fecal 38.24 points in Week 3 of that season. Second Worst!? The Birdmen, who dropped a fetid 39.45 points in Week 5 of that season. Incidentally, both losses were against the Rat Pack – played in the sewers functioning as the Rats’ home turf no doubt. So we do actually have two sub-forty point games on record. Congrats Iwan! Your consolation? You also have the THIRD worst game ever, at 40.34 points, dropped in week 8 against the 1.21 Jigiwatts in that same season. It’s a retro stink-fest of epic proportions! More on 2003 as Commish discovers it.
-Ah, the Crackheeds, they sit at 1-4, in the midst of an ugly 4-game losing streak (their worst is 5, which has happened twice before). Despite the awful start, they have the most touchdowns in the league and the highest single-game points total of the season (in their week one win of course). If someone can figure this team out, please chime in.
-The Gang sit precipitously at 0-5, which begs the question, what is the worst start in MLOM recorded history? Well, the Brothers Buhr take first and second in the race for that infamous record. Los Pescaderos had an awful start in 2002, beginning 0-6 before recording their first win in week 7. But the worst start ever belongs to Little Buhr, who’s Brown Trout amassed an 0-8 record before finally getting a much need win against The Gang back in week 9, 2005. That 8-game losing streak is tied for the worst overall losing streak in league history as well. Fwats is the unfortunate co-owner of that record, for his own 8-game losing streak as head of the 1.21 Jigiwatts, back in 2004.
-Conversely, the Rat Pack sit undefeated after 5 weeks with a record of 5-0. That ties the all-time best start to a MLOM season. The 2006 Canucks also opened 5-0 before falling to the Birdmen in week 6 of that year. This week, Eron has a chance to claim the title solo. With a win over the Cobra Kai, the record is all his.
-The best win streak ever in a single season? Well, thanks to the new 2003 stats, Commish can assure you that the Gang’s 9-game win streak from Week 3 through Week 11 of that season is the best in MLOM history. Perhaps the Gang can lean on such memories in these dark times.
-Updated Series Records: (Now including 2003 season!)
Brown Trout – 5 wins; LT’s Crackheeds – 4 wins
GBP – 3 wins; Crazy Canucks – 9 wins
Los Pescaderos – 10 wins; The Gang – 3 wins
Cobra Kai – 8 wins; Mormon Defenders – 4 wins
Rat Pack – 6 wins; Birdmen – 7 wins
-Notable Findings in the Record Book:
Strength of Schedule
Hardest: Mormon Defenders – 121.19 points
(Ouch – that’s a near blow up that Norm is facing each week. His average margin of defeat? A whopping 34.22 points, tops in the league.)
Easiest: The Brown Heap – 87.89
(That explains the 3 wins. The Canucks must be just barely ahead of that…)
Most Touchdowns: 33 (LT’s Crackheeds)
Least Touchdowns: 16 (The Gang)
Passing Yards Total, Season: The Birdmen, 1645
Rushing Yards Total, Season: Los Pescaderos, 985
Receiving Yards Total, Season: The Brown Heap, 1629
Passing Yards, Total, Least, Season: Cobra Kai, 1038
Rushing Yards, Total, Least, Season: The Brown Heap, 471
Receiving Yards, Total, Least, Season: LT’s Crackheeds, 863
Total Points Leaders, Top 3, by position, and their points:
1)Manning (Birdmen) – 150
2)Roethlisberger (LT’s Crackheeds) – 120
3)Schaub (Rat Pack) – 119
1)Brown (LT’s Crackheeds) – 88
2)Peterson (LT’s Crackheeds) – 88
3)MJD (Defenders) – 79
1)Steve Smith (NYG, The Gang) – 80
2)Wayne (GBP) – 76
3)Andre Johnson (Cobra Kai) – 73
(Numbers 4-7 are just too good to ignore – it goes 4)Harvin, 5)Burleson, 6)Marshall, and 7)Austin)
1)Clark (Canucks) – 62
2)Winslow (GBP) – 57
3)Celek (GBP) 51
All Pro/All Schmo Week 5
QB – Peyton Manning (Birdmen); 34.64 points
RB1 – Ronnie Brown (Crackheeds); 21.35 points
RB2 – Ray Rice (Cobra Kai); 20.18 points
WR1 – Roddy White (Brown Heap); 33.00 points
WR2 – Andre Johnson (Cobra Kai); 25.73 points
WR3 – Austin Collie (Crackheeds); 22.47 points
TE – Heath Miller (Birdmen); 12.10 poins
K – Lawrence Tynes (Rat Pack); 14.00 points
DEF – Minn (Los Pescas); 24.00 points
Total All Pro Points: 207.47
QB – Joe Flacco (Crazy Canucks); 9.99 points
RB1 – Willis McGahee (Cobra Kai); 0.60 points
RB2 – James Harrison (Crazy Canucks); 1.75 points
WR1 – Derrick Mason (Crackheeds); 0.00 points
WR2 – Mike Sims-Walker (Rat Pack); 0.00 points
WR3 – Megatron (Los Pescaderos); 0.63 points
TE – TIE (Keller/Crackheeds)/(Cooley/Defenders); 0.00 points
K – Scobee (Defenders); 0.00 points
DEF – NYJ (Crackheeds); NEGATIVE 3.00 points
Total All Schmo Points: 9.97 points
-Worst All Schmo output to date!
-Incidentally, worst All Pro output to date as well.
-Sims-Walker and Megatron find themselves on the All Schmo team this week. Last week, they were both on the All Pro team. (It turns out Sims-Walker was a last second suspension from the game by his own team. The reason? Fucking! He reportedly missed a bed-check late the night before in Seattle because he was “visiting a lady friend”. Nice work, E! At least Sims-Walker was scoring somewhere that week!)
-Peyton Manning sits on the All Pro team for the third straight week. At the rate he’s playing, he’s got a decent shot of hitting it on his bye week.
Game: LT’s Crackheeds vs. Brown Heap
This week’s closet game made all the better by Monday Night Madness and also the Little Buhr and the Commish in the same room for 8 hours on Sunday phenomenon. Key highlights included 1) Little Buhr’s “Points Orgasm” which describes a period of 5 minutes when just about every single Brown Heap point was scored – Brady fired a TD pass, Roddy White snaked a 90 yard TD catch, Glen Coffee limped in for a score – basically his whole team went nuts. 2)The debut of Austin Collie. By far the highlight of Commish’s fantasy season was unexpectedly watching Austin Collie score twice in that game with Little Buhr in disbelief. 3)MNF – It became close early and then just stayed there, with the looming implications of the Jets Defense sucking, Keller putting up a goose egg, and Ronnie Brown’s touchdowns somehow lacking because they were driving the Jets defensive points into negative land. Oh God how Commish hates this game sometimes. But regardless, an epic game and YOUR Game of the Week!
Team: Cobra Kai
Highest Scoring Team of the Week with a great outing despite a 3-TD day by the Burner just wasted (or “burned”, if you will) on the bench. Regardless, the mighty Kai have scored over 120 points 3 times already and under 100 points just once (97). Congrats to our Team of the Week.
Coach: Gabe Buhr – by default.
Let Commish explain the modifier. This one was a tough call. It seemed nobody really earned coach of the week this week, but Gabe was less NOT deserving than everyone else. First off, coaches of losing teams really aren’t in consideration. So that cuts out five teams (all the Brotherhood of Mutant coaches oddly enough). Eron was not the best coach this week. He missed the Mike Sims-Walker thing and had Miles Awesome on his bench. Fwats had a 3-TD performance from Burner on his bench. Jonny G? A 2-TD performance from Kellen the Sol-Ja on his bench. Typically Commish doesn’t like to reward these kinds of things, even if the actions or benchings are reasonable. That leaves the Brother’s Buhr. Justin didn’t really do any coaching this week because if you look at his bench you realize just how bad it is and how little there was to be decided between byes and said lack of talent. In the end, this leaves Gabe, who did make the nice call regarding Bradshaw and Choice over his other backs. Otherwise, he didn’t do anything too great, but he was certainly less non-deserving then the other eligible coaches. So, um, congrats to Gabe – Coach of the Week!
Slap Chop (Tm) Official Power Rankings
“You’re Gonna Love My Nuts!”
Power Rankings going into Week 6
1. Rat Pack (5-0, 4th in points); The Pack Cruise to an easy victory over Peyton Manning and the Birdmen despite benching the highly productive Miles AWESOME, choosing instead to start the guy who was scoring all night long in a different way. Talk about swagger?! Commish says FUCK swagger. We’re talking about goddamn Baditude here. Needless to say, Rat Pack stay at the top this week.
2. Cobra Kai (2-3, 1st in points); Commish can’t keep them down any longer. Despite the losing record, this team has more points than any other team by 30+ points. They are solid from top to bottom and at this point it’s hard to find a more complete team. Maybe they’ll finally live up to their hype. No Mercy!
3. Los Pescaderos (2-3, 2nd in points); Similar to the Cobra Kai, Commish isn’t fazed by the 2-3 record. The points are there, and the only potential weakness in this team is at the QB position, which could actually work itself out providing Romo goes to therapy or something. Romo plays a lot of cake games this year, which could really help Los Pescas bring things along. Throw in two straight championship defeats, and we might have the hungriest team in MLOM on our hands.
4. The GBP (4-1, 4th in points); Commish had trouble deciding between Los Pescas and the GBP, but the GBP get dinged a hair for their not so great WR corps after Wayne. Winslow might become a beast now that the rookie Johnson is targeting him constantly. Jonny G’s future success also depends heavily on the Westbrook/Mendenhall tandem keeping up appearances. Remember, if Westbrook had even a marginal game in the semi’s last year, then the GBP are your defending champs.
5. Fightin’ Birdmen (3-2, 3rd in points); The Birdmen fall this week, mostly because all the Brotherhood teams seem outclassed by the X-Men, not just this week but in general. While it’s true that Peyton Manning is a super-weapon right now, to be envied and secretly built by Iran, he can’t do it by himself all year, especially when it gets cold, and the Birdmen seem a little thinner after Manning, Ward, Gates, and Jennings. Still, can’t scoff at this team with Manning always lurking.
6. Mormon Defenders (1-4, 6th in points); Commish can’t figure out why this team isn’t doing better. LBJ and MJD at running back, an all-tude WR corps than can still produce, the serviceable Matt Ryan at QB, and steroids-fix-anything-even-a-lack-of-talent Cedric Benson looking like a solid additional RB. What is the problem? It seems like history itself is working against the Defenders. Are they still haunted by the 2007 collapse? If they can put a few wins together, Commish will gladly move them up the list.
7. Crazy Canucks (4-1, 8th in points); If Braylon Edwards hadn’t reactivated as a member of the Jets, Commish would have contemplated lowering this team further. But suddenly Rodgers, Edwards, Moss, Burleson, and Dallas Clark don’t sound like a half-bad team at all. Unfortuantely the RB corps remains highly unproven, and possibly the worst in MLOM. Still, the Canucks are gamers, and can’t be counted out this early.
8. The Brown Heap (3-2, 9th in points); Commish ranks the Heap ahead of the Heeds only because he said he would do it if the Heeds lost. And the Heeds lost. But Commish is still not high on this team. Brady looks worse by the week, and Slaton is a pile of mush. White, Bowe, and V-Jack do form an impressive WR corps, though, and Little Buhr knows how to get mileage out of WRs. This team is sort of the anti-Heeds right now in terms of positional strengths. But either way, both teams are unimpressive at this point. Eighth? Ninth? What does it matter?
9. LT’s Crackheeds (1-4, 7th in points); Brees. All Day. Ronnie Brown. Sounds like a good start right? But then what? It’s the WR corps stupid. Commish is rolling the dice, hoping to settle on some production at the position and make a run. Good QB, good RBs. Bad everywhere else. Not a good place to be overall. Still, Commish wouldn’t be surprised if this team gets itself together and makes a playoff run.
10. The Gang (0-5, 10th in points); How about that 9-game win streak in 2003? That was really something. It’s not really encouraging when The Gang are picking up the castaways (Parker, Holt) from the 9th ranked team. How about that 9-game win streak again?! There’s nowhere to go but up.
Last Week’s Ranks:
That’s it folks! Good luck to all teams in Week 6.