Commish Notes – Week 4, 2009

Commish Notes – Week 4

 

OK so maybe Commish lied about canceling Commish Notes forever.  But let’s face it, you’ve seen this sort of melt-down-followed-by-rebirth behavior from the Commish before.  In fact, sad to say, it’s sort of becoming a standard Commish move.  Well I’ve done it again.  Monday was a bad night for me to be around a computer with internet access after the game.  I was emotional (just like Brett Favre!), too emotional in fact, and before I even realized what I was doing I was quitting on the season, quitting on Commish notes.  Well, after some whiskey and a good night’s sleep, not to mention a thrilling basketball victory via one Team Slap Chop (!), Commish is back, and ready to bang out some notes with a new format and all.  So let’s get to it. 

 

Week 4 in the NFL will be remembered of course as the Brett Favre-vs.-Green Bay-a-palooza and the circus surrounding it, tightropes, fire-eaters, balancing elephants and all.  Not only did Commish have to watch Adrian Peterson get outperformed by Ryan Effing Grant on Monday night, he also had to endure the non-stop love fest exhibited by the MNF announcers towards The Blouse. 

 

It’s not like Commish wasn’t expecting a big hoopla – of course he was.  It’s just that Commish was expecting to be about  knee deep in the hoopla, a la Starship, and not quite drowning in the hoopla as the case turned out to be.  As the game trudged from quarter to agonizing quarter, Commish to his horror realized that Gruden, Tirico, and Jaws would spend an increasing amount of time absolutely covered in each others’ semen, with a fresh coat being applied each time Favre simply completed a pass, or Gruden recalled yet another amusing  anecdote from Favre’s storied career.  Commish, for one, remains glad they didn’t cut away to a shot of the booth.   The scene would have been…scarring.

 espn_mnf_576

Those pants wouldn’t be staying on long…

 

Here’s what else Commish noticed in Week 4. 

 

-Tom Brady became the first NFL player to actually make an officiating call, when he boldly declared  a “roughing” the passer infraction after Terrell Suggs dared to look in the direction of his poor defenseless knee.  It is rumored that Brady dropped a “Blue Steel” look on the refs to incite the call.  As a reward for being such a handsome pussy, Commish hears that the league will be letting Tom Brady carry his own special penalty flag starting next week. 

 gay_tom_brady

Don’t touch the knee

 

-On an otherwise routine drop back, Eli Manning did some sort of amusing hop-step as a result of an unprovoked but acute attack of plantar fasciitis in his foot.  The play was comical in itself to those who saw it; but earlier this evening when Papa Stup via phone call said “He looked like a damn panzy back there” it became a special play to Commish- forever – and I felt I needed to share.

 

-Drew Brees has put up successive single-digit games and Commish gets the sense he’s going from great fantasy quarterback to great real-life quarterback; winning anyway he can and not just putting up great stats.  Not a welcome transition, Drew.  Let’s get that straight right now. 

 

-Commish hears through his sources that E-ron may not really be a Charger fan after all.  It has been said that he was more interested in the performance of Pittsburgh’s Santonio Holmes on Sunday night then in a Charger’s victory, but Commish isn’t sure this is true.  Commish will defer a final ruling to a pair of objective oustiders – Little Buhr and Iwan.

 

-In the numbers department, Commish is sad to report that the year’s first stink bomb has been dropped, unfortunately, by the once esteemed Gang.  Commish thought it odd that it took four full weeks for us to see one.  (By this time last year we had already seen six going into week 4.)  In 2007, however,  it also took us until the fourth week to see our first stink bomb.  Most stink bombs in a season?  It was last year, in fact, with 16.  Least stink bombs?  The high-scoring 2004 season produced just 4. 

 

-May the better coach win.  Only one game this week would have had a different outcome if everyone had played their optimal line-ups.  Yup, that’s right, Commish’s own Heeds would have chalked up a win if he hadn’t been outcoached.  Particularly painful was the play of one Mike Sims-Walker.  Commish had targeted him earlier in the week with a waiver try.  The Rat Pack’s higher priority won out there, and from there Sims-Walker was deployed by the Rat Pack in All-Pro fashion (see below)  for 20+ points to propel the Pack to victory.  Especially difficult to swallow is the fact that one of his two TD’s was clearly an incomplete pass that somehow even made it through the replay process – wait a second – just popped another valium – much better.  Where was I?

 simswalker

Commish has given a name to his pain

 

-If Fwats had played Ray Rice over Darren McFadden, as Commish is sure he must have been at least considering, and everything else had stayed the same, he would have beat the Birdmen in a squeaker.  Care to join Commish’s support group Fwats?

 

-Adrian Peterson may not have won the game for the Crackheeds, but he sure as hell did for the Canucks – one fumble for six for the Green Bay defense?  That’s 9 points right there.  The Canucks won by 10.   Was the extra point after that touchdown (against Gabe’s MINN Defense) the difference?

 

-We all laughed deeply and richly when the Birdmen drafted the 2004 all-stars.  Well, with Manning, Gates, and Ward all doing their best 2004 impressions (72 combined points this week), the joke may be on the rest of us.

 

-Here is the Defender’s Receiving Corps:  Santana Moss, Chad Ochocinco, Brandon Marshall, and Steve Smith (CAR).  Jonny G will you please trade T.O. to the Defenders?   It’s clearly where he belongs. 

 

-If Commish has to watch LL Cool J yell “PHILIP RIVERS!” through cupped hands again, he may stab somebody.  I’m watching football in hi-def already, now leave me alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inter-Division War

 

In the beginning, Charles Xavier had a dream.  Despite the fear and doubt that existed in the human world, Charles thought that mutants and humans could coexist peacefully.  On the other side stood the powerful mutant Eric Lenscherr, aka Magneto.  Magneto, whose parents were killed in a concentration camp at the hands of the Nazi’s, saw all too clearly the fallacies of mankind and deemed them hopeless.  He aimed to make a better world, one ruled by homo-superior – mutants –  alone.  In Magneto’s vision of a new world, there was no room for normal humans – or mutants who empathized with them.    And thus, amidst these two ideologies, battle lines were drawn and sides taken.

 

Now this war comes to MLOM.

 

We went into this week with the X-men leading the Brotherhood 2-1.  Now after a full week’s worth of inter-division clashes, the X-Men have increased their lead.  Taking 3 of 5 games this week, they now lead 5-3.  Week 5 brings another full plate of inter-division mayhem. 

 

Commish is not yet ready to assign official tags of specific X-men and Brotherhood Mutants.  Perhaps in time.   (Though Commish is pretty sure that Birdman is Sauron for obvious reasons.)  The X-Men have many members, including Wolvering, Cyclops, Colossus, Nightcrawler, Beast, Gambit, and others.  The Brotherhood have Magneto, Toad, Quicksilver, Mastermind, Juggernaut, and Sabertooth, to name a few.  Chicks have been purposely left out, though we could go there.  And trust Commish, if you’re in the X-Men division, you sure as hell don’t want to be labeled Jubilee or The Dazzler.  

 

This Week in Action:

 

 sauronattacks

Birdman Attacks!

 

Vindicator 

 Iwan delivers an X-Men beat down – Canadian Style. 

 

 

wolverineovermagneto

Rat Pack Pon-Yo’s the Heeds!

 

colossus

The GBP lay the wood!

 

Havok

The Brown Heap Cannot be Stopped!  (At least not this week.)

 

 

All Pro’s and All Schmo’s

 

 

 

58557289

Enter Steve Smith 2.0!

 

 

All Pro’s

 

QB – Peyton Manning (Birdmen); 28.72 points

RB1 – Rashard Mendenhall (GBP); 31.48 points

RB2 – Ronnie Brown (Crackheeds); 24.58 points

WR1 – Steve Smith – NYG (The Gang); 29.43 points

WR2 – Mike Sims-Walker (Rat Pack); 21.57 points

WR3 – Megatron (Pescaderos); 16.57 points

TE – Antonio Gates (Birdmen); 27.77 points

K – Robbie Gould (GBP); 14 points

DEF – San Fran (Cobra Kai); 44.00 points

 

Total Points: 238.12

 

All Schmo’s

 

QB – Mark Sanchez (The Gang); NEGATIVE 4.87 points

RB1 – Darren McFadden (Cobra Kai); 0.58 points

RB2 – LaDanian Tomlinson (Birdmen); 1.68 points

WR1 – Justin Gage (Brown Heap); 1.50 points

WR2 – Devin Hester (The Gang); 1.59 points

WR3 – Marques Colston (Crackheeds); 3.20 points

TE – Kellen Winslow (GBP); 2.40 points

K – Tie, Hauska (Balt/Canucks) and Bironas (Tenn/Pescas) – 3.00 points

DEF – Pittsburgh (GBP); 5.0 points

 

Total Schmo Points:  14.08 points

 

58558936

 “Ahhhhhhhhh!!!”

 

Pro/Schmo Comments:

-I didn’t like the “e” in schmo(e) so I stopped using it

 

-Peyton Manning continues his second straight week as the QB of the Pro team

 

-All welcome Megatron as he makes his first (of many) Pro appearances

 

-Fuck Mike Sims-Walker right in the ear

 

-Rashard Mendenhall – All Pro.  Ladanian Tomlinson – All Schmo.  It doesn’t sound right, and I’m sure the Charger fans (you know, Adam, Iwan, Justin, Norm, Jonny G – maybe not so much Eron*) are having trouble facing it.

 

(*Note: Gabe is a Raider fan from what I hear, hence his absence from this list as wel)

 

-Mark “Dirty” Sanchez lives up to his name in this stink-fest, drops the worst performance of the season thus far.

 

-Devin Hester briefly thought he was Brandon Jacobs this week, and tried to bowl over a linebacker and a safety near the goaline after the catch.  The result?  He went 3 yards directly backwards and then into the locker room 2 minutes later, not to return.  Welcome to the All-Schmo Team Devin!

 

-Note to Little Buhr:  The Temperature “Gage” is reading ice cold.

 

Inside the Numb3rs:

 numb3rs

“Everything’s Numb3rs!”  (God this show looks dumb)

 

Head to Head Record Updates:

-Rat Pack 2 wins, Crackheeds 8 wins

-GBP 9 wins; Mormon Defenders 2 wins

-Birdmen 3 wins; Cobra Kai 6 wins

-Canucks 7 wins; Los Pescaderos 3 wins

-The Brown Heap 7 wins; The Gang 2 wins

 

-Lots of uneven series were in play this week.  And only the Birdmen and The Rat Pack get a much needed win in these otherwise lopsided rivalries. 

 

Interesting Things from the Record Book for the season:

 

Strength of Schedule Thus Far:

Hardest:  120.25 – Mormon Defenders

Easiest:    85.77 – The Brown Heap

 

Team Touchdowns Thus Far:

Most: Crackheeds, 24

Least: Canucks, 13

 

 

 

 

 

Weekly Awards:

(New Format:  Includes Game, Team, and Coach only.  Former awards for Player of the Week and Goat of the Week can now be extrapolated and analyzed through the All Pro’s and All Schmo’s.  “Ronnie Brown” of the week award is also cut (for biggest bench blow up), at least for now.  Commish no longer sees the humor in this award – he owns Ronnie Brown.)

 

 

Game of the Week:  Cobra Kai vs. The Birdmen

That niners defense scared the living shit out of the rest of the league this week, but the Birdmen were able to summon the spirits of the 2004 All-Stars to light up the scoreboard and overcome.  Also everyone on Fwat’s team not affiliated with San Francisco (Davis also had 10 points) forgot to show up.  They’ll be extra beatings in the dojo this week, make no mistake.

 

Coach of the Week:  Eron

 

See above.  He scooped Mike Sims-Walker right out from under Commish’s nose and then uglied his way to a win to stay undefeated.   That’s what good coaches do. 

 

Team of the Week: The GBP

Quietly throws up the league’s best total at 127 points and even more quietly slides to 3-1. 

 

 

Slap-Chop (Tm) Official Power Rankings

 

slapchop

 

“You love salad – you hate making it!”

 

 

Because you demanded it…

 

Here’s how Commish does power rankings.  The list below takes into account current record, current assessment of team strength, and future potential.  Basically, if I were setting odds on who I think the favorite to win the Crown of Tin Foil is from the top on down, this is how the list would look.  That means that current record becomes more important as the season goes on.  Right now, everyone can still make the playoffs.  In week 10, that might not be the case, so even if I think you have a great team but are boxed out of the playoffs with a poor record, you couldn’t get higher than 7th because you’re not winning the Crown.  Likewise, a good record alone this early means little to the Commish.  Just check The Canucks ranking if you don’t believe me.

 

Everyone get out your notebooks, because for some of you, here comes some bulletin board material…

 

1. The Rat Pack (4-0, 6th in points);  I put the Rat Pack here for a couple of reasons.  One, they’re currently riding a nine game winning streak going back to last season.  Two, they  remain unbeaten despite a moderately dormant Fitz, and three, nobody else has stepped up and demanded to be the team to beat this year.   Weighing the swagger card heavily, Commish still likes the Rat Pack.  Also, they have  serious blow up potential with Schaub, Felix Jones, Holmes, Cutler, Moreno, among others.  That said, they also have serious implosion potential with Schaub, Felix Jones, Holmes, Cutler, Moreno, among others.  Time will tell in that regard.  But they are anchored by the league’s best defense.  And while Commish does not think they’re as good as last year’s Championship Pack, they are still playing like champs, and that gets them the top spot for this week. 

 

2.The Birdmen (3-1, 2nd in points); Not sure the Birdmen can sustain this pace, but follow the points and here they are.  Manning and Gates are back to their peak forms, the WR corps is very good, and the rest of the team is without glaring holes, though the running back situation worries me a little, especially if Kevin Smith turns out to be injury-prone.  If only Tomlinson could get his act together.  Imagine if Adam had drafted Sproles in the seventh round (before Little Buhr snagged him on the turn in the eighth) instead of Larry Johnson.  (Commish will wait a moment until the Birdmen stop kicing themselves.  There.)  Then, they might have that little edge to push them over the top.  Also a little trash talk before a game or two wouldn’t hurt – in fact it would help.  A lot.  Have we talked about this yet? 

 

3. The GBP (3-1, 3rd in points);  Philip Rivers (“PHILIP RIVERS!”) and Wayne are legitimate fantasy monsters, as is the never-dying Baltimore defense.  If Mendenhall continues to come on and claim the primary runninb back role in Pittsburgh, and Westbrook gets healthy again, then look out, this team could start bludgeoning people something fierce. Unfortunately, those are both big ifs.  After Wayne, Jonny G’s receiving corps doesn’t scare anybody, but that could be fixed .  Well, it could if Jonny G knew that the waiver wire existed, anyway. At this point, Commish looks for the GBP to have a solid and possibly spectacular year. 

 

4. Cobra Kai (1-3, 1st in points);  When in doubt, follow the points as a good predictor for future success.  (Unless you’re the 2008 Cobra Kai, that is.)  This team is solid through and through.  Harvin, Boldin, and Andre “Long and Distinguished” Johnson form a downright scary receiving corps.  RB (Turner, Rice, McGahee) and TE (Gonzo, Davis) are no slouches either.  What worries Commish about this team is the QB situation. Can McNabb stay healthy?  Commish thinks that between McNabb and Eli, Fwats should be just fine, and could very quickly ascend to the top of this list.  Unfortunately, to do that, he’ll need to actually grab a few wins, something which has proved to be quite the elusive task for the otherwise merciless Kai of late.  (Just two wins in last seven games going back to last season.)

 

5.  Los Pescaderos (1-3, 5th in points);  Despite just one win, Commish likes this team.  A dominating WR corp (Megatron, DeSean “I’m sorry Miss” Jackson et al.) and solid RB’s provide a solid nucleus.  But Romo’s setbacks are worrisome if you’re a Pescadero fan.  Is Garrard really the answer at back-up?  Unfortunately, Gabe has proven anything but a quarterback guru in seasons past.  I mean seriously – Trent Edwards people.  Trent. Edwards.  Still, Los Pescas are frisky, like their owner, and with two straight Title Game losses the motivation is certainly there.  Commish expects to see more than a few wins out of this squad before the season is done. 

 

6. Mormon Defenders (1-3, 4th in points);  Commish is having a hard time figuring out why the Defenders are just 1-3, but he suspects things could turn around soon. It’s hard to find a better running back duo than MJD and LBJ.  The receiving corps is incredibly high in attitude as mentioned above, but there is enough talent there to produce points (and racous TD celebrations) too.  Is Matty Ice a good enough fantasy QB?  Tough question, and only time will tell.  It’s hard to predict the future for a team like this, and the Defenders have never been solid in the post-season, but Commish thinks they are solid enough to get it together and possibly make a push. 

 

7. Crazy Canucks (4-0, 7th in points);  The only reason the Canucks are ranked even this high is because, despite no logical explanation, they’ve managed to start 4-0.  Don’t let the record fool you folks, this team is pure vanilla, nothin-doin’, and even Cuddly.  Yup, all of Iwan’s nicknames apply here.  Who knew the Denver Broncos play right here in MLOM?  Well the Canucks are proof .  OK, so they’ve hoarded some quarterbacks and they have Rodgers.  After that?  It’s Randy Moss, Dallas Clark,  and little else.  Forte could easily be a first round bust, and Berrian, Burleson, and Harrison the Clown don’t scare anybody.   The stars have aligned in the schedule department thus far, but look for the Canucks to come crashing back to Earth in the next few weeks. 

 

8.LT’s Crackheeds (1-3, 8th in points); Sigh, my poor Heeds.  Commish had such high hopes and despite early failures, still can’t give up on his team.  Brees should get it together and Big Ben is a suitable back up.  All Day (but not All Night – See MNF) and Ronnie “Flush it Down” Brown are formidable as a RB tandem, but the WR corps after Colston is sorely lacking, and even “Yo this Marquis BABY!” isn’t known for consistency in the Saint’s spread-it-around offense.  And the rotator cuff tear Commish sustained reaching to pluck Greg Olsen in the 7th round still hasn’t healed, in fact it’s getting worse.  But the Jets defense was a nice pick up, and if one of the 15 WR’s Commish has on his roster can actually step up and make a play or two, this team could get hot quick.  Could.  Or, Commish notes could get canceled, again, and again, and again…

 

9.  The Brown Heap (2-2, 9th in points);  Commish’s preseason favorite has certainly been a bit of a letdown.  Despite a 2-game winning streak (first time that’s happened since Week 5 and 6 in 2008 by the way), The Heap have looked by and large like a, well, like a heap.  Brady is in disarray and it’s hard to say if he’ll recover in a fantasy-relevant way.  The extra ten pounds added by Slaton in the offseason have looked more like flab than muscle, and despite the impressive play of V-Jack, the rest of the Brown Heap’s even semi-marquee players (Bowe, Roddy White, Walter) have been lacking.  There’s still time to turn things around, but at this point, but right now Commish isn’t too high on the Heap.

 

10.  The Gang (0-4, 10th in points);  Don’t get Commish wrong, there are things to like about this team.  For starters, Commish believes it’s only a matter of time before DeAngelo Williams and Brandon Jacobs start behaving like themselves.  And the early plucking of Steve Smith (NYG style) off the waiver wire was a stroke of genius (which saved The Gang from a legendary-type stink bomb last week, Commish adds).  But man, do the Gang ever need a spark.  Warner has been more up and down than anyone to this point, and the rest of the roster after Witten is largely uninspired.  The Gang are in a deep hole, with a record of 3-14 going back to the start of the last season.  Perhaps the honeymoon for this team really ended when the let Peyton Manning go back before the 2007 season.  Their record since is just 10-20.   Ouch.

 

 

And there it is.

 

Good luck to all teams in Week 5.

 

Commish

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