Commish Notes, Week 6

Welcome back to Commish notes – Week…….SIXXXXX!!!!

Yup, it’s six weeks down and seven to go here, we’re nearly at the turning point in the 2008 MLOM regular season, and it seems the entire league is in the middle of a crazy Syxx taunt.  Some have pulled the taunt off beautifully, and others are limping around after spraining their ankles.  Some good games this past week, with Norm getting a much needed win, Gabe declaring himself unequivocally the Master of Cobra, and The Birdmen and the Commish both being let down by the Giant Defense.  It remains anyone’s game in the sad-but-true Joe Division, with two teams at 3-3 and the rest 2-4.  That’s right, even the Gang are within 1 game of the division lead.  Yes, that’s just another sign of how bad the Joe Division is.  On the Cobra side, it’s all Gabe, all-the-time.  Despite his inability to score a dominant amount of points, his ability to win games remains impressive and he stands alone atop the league.  The rest of the Cobra Division remains a tight race.  But more on that later.  First we must address the best thing about week six in the NFL.

This Play:

(In case the embedding doesn’t work, here’s the link:

Yes, that’s right, from the “Holy Shit!  These guys are trying to kill me!” Department, it’s Dan Orlovsky making Commish bust a gut.  (Commish must have watched this play 30 times).  I can’t be sure that Dan Orlovsky every played football before taking this snap.  Can someone look this up?   So funny.  Yes, it’s shades of Bob Stevens and his legendary Tecmo loss when he took Raider QB Steve Beuerlein and stepped out of the back of the endzone (in overtime no less).   Though even Bob didn’t manage to spring the hell out of the endzone in such impressive fashion.  The play also manages to sum up the last ten years of Lions football.  Commish’s other two thoughts when watching this play:  1)It’s like a preview of a Quantum Leap episode where he suddenly “leaps” into the QB right as the ball is snapped.  2)It’s like a preview of Roberto Benini movie about “wacky American Football”.  Ah, man, that clip is hilarious.  Commish has never seen anyone sprint out of the endzone like that.  Thank you Dan Orlovsky, for coming into Commish’s life.

OK, back to the rest of the notes.  What’s going on this week in MLOM, anyway?  Let’s take a look.

Inter-Division Watch

It looks like Cobra continues to stay one step ahead of the Joes at every turn.  This is getting to be just silly, like the time the Dreadnoks broke into the PIT and started vandalizing all the Joes’ vehicles.  I mean really, come on.  The 10-4 record of Cobra in inter-division play is impressive enough, but its the clear points domination which has Commish most shocked.  Nothing like that has ever happened in MLOM, and it will be interesting to see how it all plays out.  What Commish can say is that despite the clear-cut domination, at least one of the Cobra teams will not make the playoffs.  That means right now, if things continue at the present level of inter-division beat down, Cobra would send four teams to the playoffs and the Joes two.  The reason is simple – Cobra and the Joes both have too many non-inter-division games so at least two Joe teams will almost certainly have winning records.  A seven win team makes the playoffs – guaranteed.  The six win teams are where it gets interesting.  As far as division rivalries go, Commish did a little research.  And it seems that the two divisions have never really been that close at the end of the season.  There are always exactly 29 inter-division games a season, dating back to the 2004 season, the first year division play was introduced.  We’ve never had an inter-division battle closer than 17-12 in terms of record in the four previous years of division play. Let’s look:  Keep in mind that each column represents the same five teams each year.

2008 season:  Joes 4 wins, Cobra 10 wins

2007 season: Empire 18 wins, Rebels 11 wins

2006 season: Autobots 11 wins, Decepticons 18 wins

2005 season: Ninja 19 wins, Samurai 10 wins

2004 season: Blue Knights 17 wins, Red Knights 12 wins

Analysis:  The current Cobra division has only ever won the inter-division battle once, back in 2006 when the Decepticons let the Autobots have it.  Otherwise it’s been all “Joes”, and of course that’s reflected in the Crown count.  The overall record to date is Joes 69 wins, Cobra 61 wins.  There are four weeks every season of only inter-division battles (all five games), and every other week (9 weeks) with only one inter-division battle.  The scoring issue, however, is uncharted territory.  Commish did not go back and do full research (yet) on this particular subject, but he’s willing to bet that there has never been scoring as lopsided toward one division as in this season.  What’s going to be truly hilarious is when Cobra dominates all season and some lowly Joe snags the Crown.  Oh yes, a Snake Eyes will rise among us and lead us to the promised land.  Just you wait, you Cobra scum.

And now a quick look at Lee Evans versus the receivers drafted by The Poo Fish before Lee Evans:

Points to thru six weeks:
Lee Evans (4th round pick): 55.63 points

Braylon Edwards (holdover): 41.60 points

Marques Colston (3rd round pick): 3.23 points

Santonio Holmes (4th round pick): 35.32 points

(Yes, Commish realizes he is partly schooling himself by putting Holmes up there.)

This Week’s Games

LT’s Crackheeds 106.78 over The Gang 91.08

Player of the Game;  Drew Brees – 37.41 points

From 2001 to 2005 the Heeds and the Gang combined for 4 of 5 MLOM crowns and had numerous big games including two Title Games versus each other (2001 and 2002).   Back then these two once-juggernauts were the envy of the league.  Now…times have changed.  The Heeds have already dropped their two worst performances in team history this season and the Gang, well, the Gang too have seen better days.   But Commish is proud of these two franchises, because in what many assumed could be this week’s toilet bowl, both teams seemed to rise to the occasion just a little and deliver for the fans at home a vision of their former selves, at least to some extent.  It might not have been the epic 2002 Title Game, but at least it was respectable.

Commish is especially proud of the strong work by the Heeds this week, who bounced back from the well documented MLOM depths with a solid win and 100+ points, mostly on the back of Drew “Hercu”Brees.  Thomas Jones takes some credit as well, and seemed to finally justify his high draft pick with a 3-TD performance.  The two combined for 63.19 points.  The rest of the Heeds managed just 43.59 points as a collective.  Normally it’s “All Day” (who’s nickname is quickly becoming “Half Day”) who adds the counter-punch to Brees, but this week it was Jones.  Regardless, the Heeds remain “a couple big stars with some filler” as a team – in other words the perfect formula for a 0.500 season.

The Gang, despite their season’s second highest performance, drop their third straight and continue to spiral down the standings, coming to rest at the bottom of the league.  The once-mighty Gang still have yet to top 100 points on the season, despite putting up 90+ the past 2 weeks, and their overall score certainly reflects that.  The problem starts at QB for the Gang, who this week relied on Gus Frerotte, a man who once celebrated a TD run by head-butting a wall and giving himself a concussion.  The Gang’s WR corps came through this week (50+ points) but their RB tandem did not (11 points).  Worse, Witten and Folk almost certainly take a hit with Romo going down for a few weeks.  Unfortunately for the Gang, things might get worse before they get better.

Fun Fact: The Heeds move to 6-5 all-time against the Gang in the regular season.  Additionally they are 2-1 agains the Gang in the post-season, with both wins being in Title Games.

The GBP 103.44 over the Fightin’ Birdmen 93.46

Player of the Game: Clinton Portis – 27.18 points

Leave it to Jonny G to look to an old pothead for inspiration.  Yes, it was none other than Ricky Williams who was plugged into this game and showed up looking like the 2001 version, even scoring a touchdown.  How much weed was smoked in the GBP locker room post-game this week?  Commish gives a hat’s off to Jonny G and his GBP.  Despite a tough week for byes (Big Ben, Ward, Gonzales, Lendale White) and injuries to two of his best players (Westbrook, Boldin), the GBP banded together and eeked out a tough win against a frisky birdman team.  Who would of thought that noodle-armed Chad Pennington and sixty-three year old Marvin Harrison could have combined for 40+ points just by themselves?  WIth this win the GBP stay well in the hunt for the division, sitting pretty at 4-2.  A nice victory on a critical bye week.

For the Birdmen a tough break to be sure.  Commish must apologize as a Giants fan for the awful performance of the Giant Defense.  No need to rebuke them yourself Birdman – simply turn it over to Papa Stup and watch the beating commence.  What must be concerning for Adman and his Birdman is that despite a pretty effective blow-up by the Chargers, the Birdmen still don’t quite get to a 100 points.  In this game alone it was Chargers players 76 points, rest of Birdmen 16.  Ouch.  Commish just looked at the schedule and it appears that the Rat Pack are the lucky recipient of the Birdmen on the Charger’s bye week.  That said, once superstar Lee Evans returns from his bye next week, all bets are off, and the Birdmen should be just fine, eh Little Buhr?

Fun Fact  The GBP move to 5-3 all-time regular season against the Birdmen.  Adman might have the last laugh however, his Birdmen beat the GBP in the 2006 Title game and took home The Crown that year.

The Poo Fish 129.86 over Cobra Kai 110.77

Player of the Game: Braylon Edwards – 23.77 points

Well Commish has to give props to Braylon Edwards, who managed to single-handedly win this game on his first catch, thanks to a missed tackle by Aaron Ross, when he broke a slant wide open for a huge gain, and thus ended any tension involving Monday Night Madness.  Of course then he went on have a career game against my poor, poor (Defending Champion) G-men and just broke the game wide open.  Kudos to Little Buhr for sticking with his man.  Sure, he’s no Lee Evans but he’s not half-bad.  All Lee Evans trash talk aside (what, don’t think Commish can cram three more Lee Evans references in these notes alone?  Don’t challenge Commish), Commish takes his hat off to the Trout this week for a super performance (and specifically for ordering Romo not to throw any of his TD’s to pouty-pants TO), beating a good team with a solid win and keeping themselves right in the middle of things in the tough-as-nails Cobra division.  They were 0.14 points from an official “Blow Up”, something they lead MLOM all-time in.   With the Poo Fish posting six of nine players in double figures, and no one having less than six points, this performance was more reminiscent of the 2007 Poo Fish, though they also managed to win.  All that said it’s a good thing they won this game because things won’t be getting any easier with Tony Romo going down for a few weeks right as the schedule turns back to beefy division games.

Speaking of old Poo Fish teams, hello 2008 Cobra Kai, Commish would like you to meet the 2007 Poo Fish.  You two just sit over here in this corner, and get to know each other a little.  Commish is sure you will find a lot in common!  How frustrating it must be for poor Fwats, who’s assembled this Stormshadow of a team to somehow end up at 2-4 here six weeks into the season.  (Just for the record the high-score, low-win 2007 Poo Fish were 3-3 at this point last season.)  During Cobra Kai’s two wins, the opposing team has averaged just 67 points.  In the four losses, that number jumps way up to around 128 points.  For some reason most teams (save the Birdmen and PPR) just seem to bring their A-game against the Cobra Kai Dojo.  In fact, Cobra Kai played well enough to beat all but two teams this week (and despite the brilliant deployment of Kyle “Ort, ORT!” Orton – for those of you don’t know what Commish is referring to with that joke, just forget it and know it’s 15 years old and hilarious), and just happened to be playing one of them.  And that’s the third time this season!  Perhaps it’s time for motto change.  Commish Suggestion:  “No Mercy.  OK, maybe just a little.”

Fun Fact:  WIth this win the

Los Pescaderos 99.41 over The Rat Pack 79.97

Player of the Game: Marion Barber – 26.78 points

Well despite the epic trash talk battle and expecations leading into this contest it turned out to be more of a defensive struggle (read: dud).   Suddenly the Rat Pack’s explosiveness was missing – well we knew things had to slow down at least a little at some point, but no one including Commish thought the Rat Pack would drop less than 80 points.   One of the big problems appeared to be fumbles with several players coughing up the football.  Commish must pose the question, do the Rat Pack fear the big game?  Or do they just fear Los Pescas?  (Lifetime record including playoffs 3-9)  Looking at the match-up results it appears the RB, TE, Kicker, and Defense really let the Pack down this week.  Cutler had a sub-par game for his 2008 standards, just 15 points.  All three Rat Pack receivers managed over 13 points however, so that means 55 points come from those four slots, with only 24 points from the other five slots combined.  Guess what?  That’s not going to cut it to be the best in the Cobra Division.  Still, Commish has seen worse games, and “Beast Mode” was on the sidelines with a bye (perhaps that’s what drives this team?).  Either way, Commish expects the Pack to bounce back.

On the other side, Commish wants a piece of Gabe Buhr.  He’s hot.  Isn’t is just like Cobra Commander to find a way to stay in charge despite all the machinations and treacherous plans of his closest advisors?  Yes, it’s true, CC is not the most powerful individual and an organized revolution perhaps could overthrow him.  But he’s shifty and cunning enough to stay on top all the time, even if it leaves others in a modest disbelief.  Yup, that’s this year’s Los Pescaderos.  Don’t get Commish wrong, this is a good team, but a 5-1 team?  Commish would not have thought quite that good.  But then again, here we are.  What’s even more shocking is that Los Pescas havea only managed to get over 100 points once! (Conversely, the 2-4 Cobra Kai have only been UNDER 100 points once – Fwats don’t read that last sentence.)  Los Pescas took this particular contest on the backs of his backs, with holdovers Barber and Gore combining for nearly 47 points.  (Compared to just 10 points from the Rat Pack backs).   David Garrard actually outplayed Cutler and Megatron threw a TD in for good measure.  The end result of all this?  Los Pescas are 5-1, tops in the league, and sport a 3-0 division record to boot.

Fun Fact:  With this win Los Pescaderos move to 8-3 all time against the Rat Pack in the regular season.  It’s their fifth straight win in the series and they haven’t lost to the Rat Pack since 2004.

The Mormon Defenders 111.29 over the Crazy Canucks 79.24

Player of the Game: Maurice Jones-Drew –  28.67 points

Someone pop the champagne!  Oh wait, don’t, this is a Mormon Celebration.  Either way, someone pop something.  Commish is pretty sure that no team needed a win this week as bad as the Defenders.  There must have been some ugly Elder Council Meetings last week (Commish pictures Norm kneeling in knight’s uniform before a half-moon table full of Mormon Elders, trying not to shift uncomfortably when one asks, “So, how’s the season going, brother?”), possibly an inspiration for the Defenders.  Commish must say that he alone believed in Norm.  Look at the voting, and Commish was the lone supporter of the Defenders this week.  And he pulled it off.  MJD, like Frankenstein, finally came to life.  Rodgers is proving he might just be adequate as a poor man’s Brady.  And the sudden disappearance of Santana Moss the last two weeks and the negative one point from Fred Taylor were certainly more than made up for by the explosion of the Tampa Bay Defense to the tune of 26 points.  Can the Defenders use this win to jump start a little run?  WIth a match-up against the spiraling Gang this week, chances are pretty decent.

On the other side the Jeckyl and Hyde Canucks continue the same routine, going Jeckell once again this week (wait is it Jeckyl or Hyde that is bad here?), and still unable to post a score between 86 and 125 points.  This week there were multiple problems from the outset for the Canucks.  First off, Iwan’s sweet pick up ofJets TE Keller really panned out as right after signing with Canucks he promptly laid a goose egg.  Also I’m not sure if Commish’s screen is blurry but it appears that Sproles and Fargas were his starting backfield.  Lastly, and this is hilarious, is that despite being the number 3 scoring WR in all of MLOM right now (no shit – look it up), Roddy White continues to stay on the Canuck Bench.  In fact, White has only made an appearance in the starting line-up for the Canucks just once this season. ONCE.   Commish is going to say that again.  Roddy White is the number THREE highest scoring WR to date in all of fantasy football, and he has only been started once.  Does anyone wonder why this team is 2-4?  Commish rests his case.

Fun Fact: With this win, the Mormon Defenders move to 5-4 all time against the Canucks.

Weekly Awards

Player of the Week:

Drew Brees: Final Stat Line – 26 completions, 4 incompletions, 320 passing yards, 3 TDs, 0 picks, 7 rushing yards; 37.41 points

The Jon Fogerty Sponsored Ronnie Brown Memorial Award:

Roddy White: Final Stat Line -9 catches, 112 yards, 1 TD – 20.97 points

“Put me in coach, I’m ready to play”

Game of the Week:

The GBP over the Birdmen.   Gritty contest rigth down to the wire on MNF.

Team of the Week:

The Poo Fish. A near blow-up, best performance of the week, and a tough and solid win over the high-scoring Cobra Kai.  And so ends the Rat Pack’s streak in this spot…

Coach of the Week:

Gabe Buhr –  All hail Gabe Buhr, the undisputed Cobra Commander.  Not sure how he does it, but all he does is win games.

Goat of the Week:

NYG Defense: Final Stat Line – Minus Three Points;  29 points allowed;  No sacks, no turnovers.

All they needed to do was scrap together five measly points and the Birdmen would have walked away a winner.  Instead, they were embarrassed on MNF against the lowly Browns.  Hey G-men, come get your horns.

(I think I’ve found my favorite goat.  I mean look at this thing.  Ugly, bearded with shit in the beard.  And smirking.  Somehow this sums up the entire Goat of the Week vibe perfectly.  As if he’s saying, “You started me, didn’t you jackass?”)

Power Rankings:

1)Los Pescaderos (5-1, 5th in points) – Yes, the Rat Pack look better on paper, and yes the Cobra Kai can put up tons of points and yes the GBP are finding ways to gut out wins in a tough division and yes the Poo Fish look capable of going off at any given time. And you know what?  Scoreboard.

2)Rat Pack (4-2, 1st in points) – Will be interesting to see how Pack rebounds after big game let-down.  This week, a classic:  Get your backpacks ready, it’s Fwats vs. Eron!

3)The GBP (4-2, 3rd in points) – GBP sit at 4-2, continue to show commish something with tough wins

4)Cobra Kai (2-4, 2nd in points) – It must be frustrating to be in the Cobra Kai dojo, right now, but all Fwats has to do is keep his team focused on scoring points, and wins will follow.

5)The Brown Trout (3-3, 4th in points) – Strong work this week, and right in the hunt.  How will they solve the Romo issue?

6)Birdmen (3-3, 7th in points) – Mediocre squad, but hey good enough in the awful Joe Division.  Commish still predicts a fall.

7)Heeds (3-3, 8th in points) – Brees is top player in MLOM right now, that alone keeping Heeds at least near the middle of the pack.

8)Canucks (2-4, 6th in points) – Jeckyll and Hyde act continues.  They need another win or two and could jump up these power rankings.

9)Mormon Defenders (2-4, 9th in points) – A nice win for Norm’s boys.  A few more of those and we might have a surprise leader in the Joe Division.  They’re only 1 game out.

10)The Gang (2-4, 10th in points) – Could be a long season…

Good luck to all teams next week!



2 responses to “Commish Notes, Week 6

  • Adman

    1) I think Jeckyll is the good guy… the doctor.

    2) Iwan tried to trade Roddy White to me… I don’t know why he hates that guy so much. If I remember right, the one time he DID play him, he blew up.

    I can’t believe the Giants D couldn’t score 5 measly points. I mean, really. Ugh. Watching your RB or QB or something come close to scoring enough points, but not quite, is not nearly as bad as watching your defense slowly bleed them away…

    Blood pressure… rising….

  • Fwats

    First and foremost, THAT GOAT PICTURE is effing gold. That shit eating grin (not shit pecking, Iwan), is priceless. The bead is comically huge if you think about it proportionally to its head, and compare it to human beard-to-head proportions. I laughed so hard I almost gagged, startling nearby work peeps.

    One thing – the Poo Fish vs. Cobrak Kai Fun Fact got caught off, although I’m not sure if there’s anything “fun” about it for my team.

    Another week that looks to be hard fought, and Monday Night Madness looks to be yet again in Cobra Kai’s future. Frustrating as it is, we Cobra Kais never die – we just get more bitter and corrupt. I’ll calling up Terry Silver to help get Sensei Kreese out of his drunken shame spiral.

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