Welcome Back. With the long and dreary off-season and bittersweet preseason finally behind us, this past week marked the start of another beautiful football season. And commish couldn’t be more pleased.
First a hearty thanks to all who made another Best Day Ever possible, from Papa Roston hosting to everyone participating with minimal hiccups. Not sure whether to thank or banish Eron for the thong debacle, but no matter happened that day (and no matter what horrid visuals from that afternoon can never be unseen) it was plain to see that everyone was having a blast – a fact as clearly visible as Eryn’s pasty asscheeks were in that unholy get-up he was sporting.
And with that, let’s dive right in, and get on with the show.
But first – the whores!
Or rather, the games.
It was a rivalry week for the most part in MLOM in week 1 – just the way the Commish likes it. With 3 games documentable as clear-cut rivalries (btw, since Jonny G is too nice a guy to spark a real rivalry, it means we are in essence limited to 4 rivalry games max in a week, so 3 ain’t bad) it was a great way to sass up the opening week of the season. Let’s review.
LT’s Crackheeds 113.57 over Crazy Canucks 86.00
A classic tecmo and MLOM rivalry started the season off right, with now 5 crowns of experience poured into this continuing epic struggle. Last year’s champ Canucks struggle mostly in part from awful TE and Defense play, with Todd “Garbage” Heap (-2.17 points) making a very strong (repeat, VERY strong) case for goat of the week (his final stat line: 1 catch, 5 yards, 1 fumble. He also dropped a touchdown on a different play. Strong work). The Heeds come on solid and look sharp despite an utter disaster of an outing (barely 6 points combined) from easily the league’s worst receiving corp. Regardless, they seem to have plenty of firepower at other positions. No better way to open the season than getting a key division win against the reigning champs.
Fun Stat: This was the 13th (recorded) regular season meeting of these two teams (most frequent rivalry), with the overall edge now narrowly in favor of the Heeds, 7-6.
Fightin Birdmen 83.86 over Mormon Defenders 52.50
Yikes. What’s that Commish hears? The Defenders’ season snapping apart like so many mangled Brady knee ligaments? Lost in the shuffle of this epic injury is the fact that Norm’s team is now Defending not only the Momon Church but also a seven-game losing streak going back to the tail end of last season. Yeesh. The obvious Brady issue aside, this a team that look completely disheartened and flat in week 1. Only 2 players in double digits and an overall performance good for 7th worst all-time in league history. Looks like it’s time for the Defenders to start praying. On the other side of the ball, the Birdmen didn’t look especially good, either. Rather, they were simply in the right place at the right time, doing just enough to win. But hey, it counts. And in the process they notch up their 6th win against the Defenders, taking them to 6-3 all-time in the “Biggest Computer Nerd” rivalry in MLOM, and making the Defenders their most dominated opponent, winning-percentage-wise.
Fun Fact: This game is good for 4th lowest scoring game (combined points) of all time.
Cobra Kai 128.68 over The Gang 65.74
No Mercy indeed. Let’s suppose that Fwats was only allowed to use his two starting running backs and no one else in this game. He’d be in trouble then, right? Wrong. In fact, if that were the case, the final tally would be 66.73 to 65.74, and this game would still remain a victory for the action-oriented Cobra Kai Dojo. Despite only 0.41 points from potential uber-flop Carson Palmer, the Kai Clan still manage to come out smoking, leaving the rest of us to wonder how Fwats could have drafted so well. (One thought: Fwats was the only manager not going blind staring at Eryn’s thong-escaping pubes for the first six rounds of the draft.) And for the Gang? Let’s just say they might be having some trouble adjusting to life post-Peyton. And the worst part? They face him in a Birdmen uniform this week.
Fun Stat: This is only the 4th time in league history PPR’s Gang has dropped a “stink bomb” (Game scoring less than 70 points).
Los Pescaderos 96.91 over The Brown Trout 83.84
Ah, brother sweet brother. It seems pyscho Buhr still has some tricks up his sleeve when it comes to dealing with little Buhr. This game signified a very workmanlike performance for Los Pescas, nothing special but a win nevertheless, which in the end is all that matters. He will certainly need some help at quarterback. (McNabb for Megatron anyone?) On the other side, there’s little Buhr, who went from “Dude – I LOVE my team – it’s SO good” to “Dude, my team is SO bad, I’m pissed” in the span of 3 days, one of the most impressive turnarounds ever. His “vaunted” receiving corps didn’t quite deliver, and in reality 2 of his 4 decent performances came from players he just traded for, leaving many to wonder just how bad did he actually draft?! Time will tell.
Fun Stats: The Brown Trout didn’t score this low ONCE in 2007. Justin still has the edge in this series all-time in recorded history, at 6 to 4 wins.
The Green Bowl Packers 97.64 over the Rat Pack 97.53
Look no further for the Game of the Week, because it happened right here. The 0.11 point win in dramatic Monday Night fashion is really what MLOM is all about. Strike up the music, and go have some fun, because Jonny G’s Steeler-heavy pass attack in conjunction with Philly’s Brian Westbrook paid heavy dividends in some sort of bizarre, fantasy football variant on the Pennsylvania Polka. For Eron, a tough loss. Hard to find the blame really, since a mere TWO more yards from any one player other than the QB would have sealed the win. Still, Commish is looking sternly in Chris Cooley’s direction after a serious let down. Hey Chris, what size goat horns do you wear?
Fun Stat: This is the first opening day win for the GBP since 2001! (Keeping in mind 2003 is not in recorded history for this type of stat).
OK, and now for some awards:
Game of the Week: The GBP defeat the Rat Pack
Too easy. Commish can still recall Eryn frantically texting Little Burh between rides at Disneyland to find out the status of this game on Monday night. Oh, by the way, this is the second closest game in league history.
Player of the Week: Drew Brees 32.88 points
Other potential candidates include “The Burner” with more points and even Fast Willie but in Commish’s opinion, Brees leading the Crackheeds to a decisive victory against his old team and the former champs is too much to pass up. Well done Drew – you can take the cork-black off the right side of your face now.
Team of the week: Cobra Kai
A no-brainer here. Despite the disappearance of Carson Palmer, this “headless” warrior of a team did as advertised in week 1 – showed no mercy.
Coach of the Week: Fwats X
The week 1 coach of the week is really a shout out to a solid draft, and again all eyes are on Fwats here. Even with Brandon Marshall on the sidelines for this week, this team had it’s shit together, and put up a league certified Beat Down Victory (Win by more than 40 points), the franchise’s 9th.
Goat of the Week:
It is hard, and I mean really hard to ignore the sweet, sweet stat line of Todd “Scrap” Heap here. Again, the awesome numbers were 1 catch for 5 yards, a fumble (on that play), and a dropped TD catch, totalling a whopping negative 2.17 fantasy points, which is ridiculously hard for a tight end to do. As far as Commish is concerned, Heap should be investigated for flagrant point-shaving after that debacle. That said, Commish feels he has to crown Chris Cooley (1 catch, 7 yards) as the official Goat of the week, because his lackluster performance, after being the 5th TE off the board mind you, essentially cost his team a win. Chris, come get your horns.